Now Playing Near You

It’s the weekend! It’s the weekend! And the weather here on the East Coast is going to be great–sunny, bright and warm. You know what that means?

People will be in the movie theatres.

You want to know why Americans are so Klump-y? Because in the summer, when most others are playing outside, traveling, pirating ships–whatever, enjoying life–where are we?

Inside a communal living room watching Fast and the Furious 8: Darth Vader meets Shrek.

And the night is either opened or ended with a trip to Red Lobster-bee’s Garden.

We thick, yo.

So anyway, I thought that I’d meet you all 1/2-way by reviewing the movies you’re probably seeing, going to see, and maybe saw. Just short, quick blurbs.

Full Disclosure Before We Proceed: the following movies are all films that I will not, would not and wouldn’t dream of seeing. Ever. At all. As a matter of fact, if someone said, “see this movie; your mother’s life depends on it” I would say, “hand me the pistol and I’ll shoot her myself–for $5 I can pay a woman-of-the-night to let me call her  ‘mom’, I cannot get 90mins of my life back”.

1. Fast and the Furious: Reunion Time! Years ago, when I first saw Vin Diesel, I thought, “it’s a damn shame someone shaved this monkey and made it learn people-words”. My opinion has

Stop monkeying around you two and make a movie!

Stop monkeying around you two and make a movie!

not changed. There is no apparatus that you can put Vin Diesel behind to make him entertaining: cars, planes, time machines, George Foreman grills, Jennifer Lopez–nothing makes Vin Diesel cool. Meanwhile, Paul Walker wonders if he’d have a better career if he changed his name to “Paul Wall” and Jordana Brewster keeps hoping people with think she’s ‘Punky Brewster’.

2. Hannah Montana: The Movie: A movie in which Miley Cyrus (whose name sounds like a fast-spreading virus, as in “there’s a virulent strain of Miley Cyrus causing explosive diarrhea, heart palpitations and werewolf transformation all over NYC”) perfects the formula of appealing to every American white girl demographic: sometimes she’s blonde, sometimes she’s brunette–I think it depends on which Jonas Bros she’s about to sleep with. Hannah Montana is sort of like Jem meets Prussian Blue. There’s a good bet that the movie’s cast will be as white as

"Don't shoot til you see the whites of their sombreros! USA! USA!"

"Don't shoot til you see the whites of their sombreros! USA! USA!"

a bridal store–and just as virginal with it’s ‘G’ rating. The ‘G’ stands for ‘gonorhea’ which is what you get when you watch, look at, or touch Miley Cyrus. Ask the Jonas Bros.

3. Knowing: It’s a movie starring Nicholas Cage. He plays a professor who finds a formula that predicts the future. Hey, I’m no math prof, but I’ve got a future-predicting formula too: Nicholas Cage + movie about anything that allows Nicholas Cage to act= Worse Movie Released Since Last Nicholas Cage Film. That’s all the ‘knowing’ you need.

4. Monsters vs Aliens: In which Miley Cyrus plays a sometimes-curly haired, sometimes pony-tailed who gets mistakenly placed into Minuteman service at the Texas border for her Spring Break Internship. While there, she learns growing up’s not easy, finds true love with Javon, the Mexican boy her age trying to cross into the states, and the courage to stand up for what’s right–by shooting Javon. In 3-D. By Dreamworks.

5. Observe and Report: A movie where Seth Rogen plays a skinny dickhead slacker instead of a fat one. We’re now at 14mins, 55secs of the “Seth Rogen Experience”.

6. I Love You, Man: Paul Rudd, a funnier graduate of the Judd Apatow School For White Guys Who Refuse to Age stars in a movie that gives Andy Samberg another chance to ‘be funny’ by playing a gay person. But Quincy Jones’ hot daughter is in it. This makes me happy, but probably crushes Quincy.

7. A Haunting in Connecticut: Aka “When Gentrification Goes Really, Really Bad”. I never understand why these families don’t do their HW on their real estate agent…or the neighborhood….or the previous owners. “Spacious 5-bedroom house in barren remote neighborhood looking for an unassuming white family unafraid of poltergeist and orgy-hungry ghouls. Pure souls only need apply. No credit check required.”

COMING SOON

8. Obsessed: Beyonce’ wears a bad wig and tries this acting thing a bit harder. This time with Ali Larter and one of the guys from The Wire. All three of these people will regret this decision.

"I told you, I don't know anyone named 'Kelly Rowland'."

"I told you, I don't know anyone named 'Kelly Rowland'."

We are now 1 movie closer to Beyonce’ remaking B.A.P.S.

9. 17 Again: A night with R. Kelly? No. It’s Matthew Perry going from making $1 million/episode playing Chandler Bing to being the handler for Zac Effron’s bling.

10. Crank That High Voltage: It’s a Souljah Boy remix! Or, “Daily Things You Hear On Death Row”. Jason Statham continues to get paychecks making the same movie 14,000 different ways.  Vin Diesel should talk to him.

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1 Comment

Filed under Now Playing Near You

One response to “Now Playing Near You

  1. Claudia

    This was one of my favorite posts today. Hysterical. Too bad I couldn’t read the whole thing because me and the kids are rushing off to see Haunting at 10am, and then 17 Again after that…

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