Boom! Boom! Pow!: A B.E.P.s story

Since I enjoy 20 weekly doses of Real World/Road Rules: Hepatitis Outbreak XX episodes as part of MTV, VH1 and BET’s attempt to out-do each other on Reality Shows That You Could Get You Fired For Talking About Them At Work, I’m not aware of most music videos anymore.

Despite that, I still have managed to hear that Best Buy’s favorite musical act, The Black Eyed Peas, have a new song.bep

The song’s name?

“Boom Boom Pow”.

I repeat: “Boom Boom Pow”.

I don’t know about you, but I see that and think of the following things immediately:

1. 1960’s Batman punches/graphic effects

2. little kid crashing Tonka trucks into each other

3. frat boy describing his one-night stand with a frosh

4. Chris Brown

Not exactly great company, but then, when it comes to The Black Eyes on Hip-Hop The Black Eyed Peas, I rarely think of the term “great” unless it’s “Man, it’s great to see Fergie’s sex re-assignment is almost complete”.

Can you imagine the conversation that went into creating that song? Looks like my money’s run out pretending to be a politically-minded ass-hat. Time to get back to doin’ what the B.E.P.s do best–sellin’ out as a group!

Fergie: No problem there for me; my last album sold out everywhere! (laughs hi-5’s Mexican guy in group)



Taboo (Mexican guy): Ay yi yi, Fergie, that was a good one. Boom! (hi-5’s Fergie, confused by how much larger her hands are than his)

(Philipino guy, who I think does not speak English): (nervously watches others laughing around the room): Hee hee, ‘boom’…..’Boom! Boom!’ (looks for validation from others) Wait a sec–Stitch is onto something. We just got our next song, y’all. Let’s start writing!

Fergie: I’ll get my notepad! (grabs crystal meth, foams at mouth, sleeps)

*End scene*

This song title only further convinces me that when it comes to the B.E.P.s, this is what it takes to be a recording industry star:

  1. dress like a homeless break-dancer
  2. have an appearance best described as a “bitter beer face”



  3. get 1 Lilo & Stich-looking Philipino guy, 1 vampire-looking Mexican, 1 guy who looks like The Soloist, and 1 Fergie
  4. pee self on stage as much as possible*

Now, to be fair, I went through a “B.E.P.s-with-Fergie” period. It was a period not as embarrassing as a girl’s first period and less ridiculous than the period’s found in’s name.

It was a period marked by enjoying songs with the words “mama”, “shutup” and “funk”.

It was a period marked by making outlandish statements like the following:

  • “Let’s get it started–in here!” whenever I walked into a restaurant, meeting, funeral or bedroom.
  • thinking to myself, “I want ‘Where is the Love?’ played at my wedding
  • “This heroin is great; Fergie is so Smurf-ing hot. Huh? That’s the Mexican dude? Fuggit. Let’s get it started–in here!”

I’m not phunking with you; it was tragic.

But I’ve since removed their “United Colors of Bennetton-meets-Kidz Songs” sound toxins from my body, iPod and memory.

But I have a feeling that somehow, some way, Boom Boom Pow will make its way to my head, like ringworm.



It’s a space already unfortunately occupied by Flo.rida’s “Round Round” song; I wish both would go round and round in the toilet.

*I’m charitably leaving off’s desperation-grab for attention a la his “Obama Video” since I know a great many of you found that celebrity-self-congratulating video “inspirational”, “cool” and a “great chance to see Scarlett Johannsen’s boobs again”. If you prefer your manipulation in viral internet form, so be it. You’re welcome.


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