Since I enjoy 20 weekly doses of Real World/Road Rules: Hepatitis Outbreak XX episodes as part of MTV, VH1 and BET’s attempt to out-do each other on Reality Shows That You Could Get You Fired For Talking About Them At Work, I’m not aware of most music videos anymore.
Despite that, I still have managed to hear that Best Buy’s favorite musical act, The Black Eyed Peas, have a new song.
The song’s name?
“Boom Boom Pow”.
I repeat: “Boom Boom Pow”.
I don’t know about you, but I see that and think of the following things immediately:
1. 1960’s Batman punches/graphic effects
2. little kid crashing Tonka trucks into each other
3. frat boy describing his one-night stand with a frosh
4. Chris Brown
Not exactly great company, but then, when it comes to The Black Eyes on Hip-Hop The Black Eyed Peas, I rarely think of the term “great” unless it’s “Man, it’s great to see Fergie’s sex re-assignment is almost complete”.
Can you imagine the conversation that went into creating that song?
will.i.am: Looks like my money’s run out pretending to be a politically-minded ass-hat. Time to get back to doin’ what the B.E.P.s do best–sellin’ out as a group!
Fergie: No problem there for me; my last album sold out everywhere! (laughs hi-5’s Mexican guy in group)
Taboo (Mexican guy): Ay yi yi, Fergie, that was a good one. Boom! (hi-5’s Fergie, confused by how much larger her hands are than his)
(Philipino guy, who I think does not speak English): (nervously watches others laughing around the room): Hee hee, ‘boom’…..’Boom! Boom!’ (looks for validation from others)
will.i.am: Wait a sec–Stitch is onto something. We just got our next song, y’all. Let’s start writing!
Fergie: I’ll get my notepad! (grabs crystal meth, foams at mouth, sleeps)
This song title only further convinces me that when it comes to the B.E.P.s, this is what it takes to be a recording industry star:
- dress like a homeless break-dancer
- have an appearance best described as a “bitter beer face”
- get 1 Lilo & Stich-looking Philipino guy, 1 vampire-looking Mexican, 1 guy who looks like The Soloist, and 1 Fergie
- pee self on stage as much as possible*
Now, to be fair, I went through a “B.E.P.s-with-Fergie” period. It was a period not as embarrassing as a girl’s first period and less ridiculous than the period’s found in will.i.am’s name.
It was a period marked by enjoying songs with the words “mama”, “shutup” and “funk”.
It was a period marked by making outlandish statements like the following:
- “Let’s get it started–in here!” whenever I walked into a restaurant, meeting, funeral or bedroom.
- thinking to myself, “I want ‘Where is the Love?’ played at my wedding
- “This heroin is great; Fergie is so Smurf-ing hot. Huh? That’s the Mexican dude? Fuggit. Let’s get it started–in here!”
I’m not phunking with you; it was tragic.
But I’ve since removed their “United Colors of Bennetton-meets-Kidz Songs” sound toxins from my body, iPod and memory.
But I have a feeling that somehow, some way, Boom Boom Pow will make its way to my head, like ringworm.
It’s a space already unfortunately occupied by Flo.rida’s “Round Round” song; I wish both would go round and round in the toilet.
*I’m charitably leaving off Will.i.am’s desperation-grab for attention a la his “Obama Video” since I know a great many of you found that celebrity-self-congratulating video “inspirational”, “cool” and a “great chance to see Scarlett Johannsen’s boobs again”. If you prefer your manipulation in viral internet form, so be it. You’re welcome.