Monster’s Balls

As most of you are probably unaware the NBA Playoffs started this past weekend. As a matter of fact I think only me, David Stern and about 100 player posses care that it’s the playoffs.

Basketball will forever be more entertaining on a game-to-game basis than baseball. Basketball? Constant movement, player emotion, relentless running and scoring, and at least 2 teabag dunks a night.

Baseball? It’s a sport where you can sit, drink a beer, eat a hot dog, a pretzel, chat with your buddies and occasionally look at the score when the crowd goes wild.

And that’s just the players.

Anyway, one of the thrilling things about the NBA playoffs is the high-stakes drama involved in the finishes of close, dramatic games, like say last night’s Bulls-Celtics game where Ray Allen hits the game-winner.

What’s my favorite thing about moments like this though, are the celebrations after the big play. In football, when someone makes a big play, like say they get a huge 1st down or score a touchdown, they do fun celebratory things like endzone dances and stabbing people (hi Ray Lewis!).

In baseball when they make a big out or score the game-winning homerun/single, once they labor around the bases with the aid of an oxygen tank, they are showered with junk food and steroids by their teammates. During post-game interviews, you’ll usually see the players chasing each other in the background with bottles of champagne, and HGH syringes. Ah, America’s Past-time.

But in basketball, thanks to Sam “Earth Girls Are Easy” Cassell, they have the Big Balls Dance,

Sam Cassell, Founding Father of the BBD

Sam Cassell, Founding Father of the BBD

my favoritest celebration for doing something awesome.

The Big Balls Dance (BBD), is done after hitting a clutch jumper to win or sometimes even tie the game. After the shot, the player strides down the court in an elaborate duck-like waddle while cradling two extremely large imaginary testicles in both their hands down near their knees.

It’s awesome, vulgar, ridiculous and hilarious all at once. And since most networks aren’t savvy enough to get what the player is doing (they probably think it’s some “hip-hop dance”) and because NBA games are actually, you know, exciting, you’re garaunteed to see it a couple of times during the season.

So I was thinking; who else deserves a BBD lately? Let’s take a look:

  • Ms. California: After fielding a question about same-sex marriage from openly-gay and nauseatingly obnoxious pageant judge Perez Hilton, she said, “No offense to anyone, but I think a marriage is between a man and a woman”. I shudder to think what a similar
    "God Bless America--and Straight People!"

    "God Bless America--and Straight People!"

    response from her would’ve been like during the Jim Crow Era. Still, BBD Ms. California: on pageantry’s biggest stage and with the crown on the line (she was one of the final 5), you pulled off a monster play. I don’t agree with you, but you ma’am deserve a BBD.

  • Simon Cowell: Who deserves to do the BBD every week, really, but especially lately when he BBD’ed all over American Idol’s first-ever blind contestant. I imagine Cowell does similar takedowns at orphanages (“I really think that if you really wanted a mummy and daddy, you’d have one already”) and burn victim wards (“I’ve seen better skin on KFC chicken, really.”).
  • Vin Diesel: After only recieving scripts lately for the titular role in a live-action “Joe Camel: the Camel, the Myth, the Cancer” and an offer to play all three Beagle Boys in a live-action Duck Tales movie, Vin Diesel held out before someone was drunk and dead-hooker-blackmailed enough to make another sequel to ‘The Fast and the Furious’. And it made gobs of money it’s opening weekend ($70 million), putting Vin Diesel back on the map of relevancy and sparing him from appearing on VH1’s Dr. Drew’s Heroin Re-hab AdventureClinic. That alone deserves a BBD.
  • R. Kelly: A little old, sure, but it still amazes me that someone that was on trial for underage-Golden-showering can still make records and release a 22-chapter LSD-inspired series that is Trapped in the Closet which had everything from 3-somes, to midgets, to cross-dressers to gay lovers and I think the blind guy from American Idol. And people bought and watched and supported him over the years. Amazing. Put the key in the ignition, Kells, and do your BBD.

I’d also like to suggest times for the Average Joe/Jane to do their own BBD’s. Here’s some opportunities to incorporate them into your everyday life:

  • Hooked up with a hot guy or girl? The following morning, as they’re getting dressed, BBD around the bed. It’s playoffs time!
  • Got a great sale/find on something out shopping? Once you’ve paid for the item, BBD your way to the car. I suggest dangling the sales items’ bag from your teeth so your hands are free.
  • Quitting a job in the middle of a staff meeting. Stand up, high-5 others and BBD first around your boss’ chair and then as security escorts you out. It will look like a rap-video. Yell, “who’s coming with me?!” a la Jerry Maguire.

So maybe now you’ll tune-in to the NBA Playoffs.

The NBA: Where BBD Happens.


1 Comment

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One response to “Monster’s Balls

  1. Brian D

    Dammit…we should have done this all around nodding head when we won quizzo.

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