Monthly Archives: May 2009

We Only Got 6 Words to Save the World

Recently, NPR, the station that loves to make you feel as though you’re not doing enough in your life, did a segment on 6-word memoirs. The idea was to encapsulate some segment/moment/etc in your life in only 6 words.

Pretty neat idea huh?

Well, my closest celebrity friends and I decided to give this a try, too, and so, the results of our efforts.

Enjoy!

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: So You Think You Can Count? Celebrity 6-word Memoirs

  • Uh-oh; Conference Finals are in Denver–Kobe Bryant, future all-time NBA great, sometime adulterer
  • ‘Paris’ is now an STD. Hot.–Paris Hilton, well-known socialite, and first-ever namesake genital disease
  • Jessica Biel’s locked in my basement.–Justin Timberlake, SNL cast member, suspected coke-head, kobe-bryantsometimes makes music
  • Dear God, Angelina: please release me.–Brad Pitt, monkey-faced Hollywood star, side-architect for over-priced homes in impoverished sections of New Orleans
  • Better pizza. Better ingredients. Papa John’s.–Rosie O’Donnell, former loud-mouthed hack from The View, currently and quickly fading into obscurity
  • I have sex with Heidi Klum.–Seal, 90’s pop-artist, unmasked Phantom of the Ope05sealra
  • Please, let me feed your child.–Salma Hayek, Maxim 100’s Hottest Milk Bottle
  • Who wants pictures of Vanessa Hudgens?–Zach Efron, current teen star, next Freddie Prinze Jr.
  • onlee sex words is ‘ard, innit? yea it is you bet your knickers adn tits it ‘ard it is. i dont nkow how to tell me ole life sorty in only that bit you scags i thnnk I jsut peeed on meself i did oops–Amy Winehouse, drunk
  • Hey Ryan, we should really do lunch.–Carson Daly (to Ryan Seacrest), former MTV TRL personality, the Wilt Chamberlain of pre-teen to 18 yr old girls.carson
  • Oh Jenny, how sad: John Mayer.–Angelina Jolie
  • Help! Help! This bitch is crazy!–Nick Cannon, husband of Mariah Carey
  • Vote ‘change’–well, maybe not gays.– Barack Obama, popular merchandise personality
  • Not now; shooting new minstrel movie.–Tyler Perry, playwright, screenwriter, TV producer, suspected agent of the GOP
  • Maybe I should’ve shown two titties.–Janet Jackson, past-her-prime pop-star, suspected body double of Michael Jackson, current breast-feeder of Jermaine Dupri
  • One day I’ll find him Nicole.–OJ Simpson, former NFL great, lifetime World’s Worst Dad-slash -Husband
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Now Playing Near You 3: Geeks Unite!

Ok, so due to some weird technical difficulties, the last installment of “Now Playing Near You” and this installment are both appearing on the same Friday. The bad news is that you get to read about twice as many crappy movie reviews than usual; the good news is that there’s enough crappy movies to write about to fill an adult diaper. This is a good thing for you and I, kids.

So the drill is simple: I give arrogant, hilarious mini-reviews of movies I have not, and most likely will not, see at all. I do this out of elitism, as a word of caution to you, and because I’m short on ideas on a given Friday.

Enjoy!

Playing Right Now

  1. X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Full disclosure. I am, if you have not already noticed on here, a huge comic book fan. In particular, I am a huge X-Men fan. And yet, I am on the fence. Part of me wants this movie to fail
    Look they even made him disappear in the poster! Money well spent.

    Look they even made him disappear in the poster! Money well spent.

    miserably (please note that this movie has already grossed about 484 kabillion dollars) because the last X-Men movie sucked. But then I read this description: “Hip-hop Black-Eyed Peas frontman, Will.i.am plays  mutant named ‘Wraith’ who possesses the ability to disappear’. Any script savvy enough to call for Will.i.am to disappear is at worst worth $12, at best, an Oscar. I’ll take 4 tickets please.

  2. Star Trek: You want to know how you know life is unfair? When you look at the fact that after co-starring in pothead-laughfest Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle and Harold and Kumar Make One Too Many Movies, the subsequent fallout has your co-star headed to teach classes at the University of Pennsylvania and then the White House, your best gig is watching Zoe Saldana get space herpes from a Vulcan. Set your phasers to ‘fail’.
  3. Angels & Demons (opening today): Ok, another full disclosure moment. I tried reading The Da Vinci Code
    Don't worry Harold: in space no one can hear you scream.

    Don't worry Harold: in space no one can hear you scream.

    (or Duh Vinci Code as I like to call it) and after about 50 pages of the lamest attempt to make Jesus and monks interesting, I decided to read something more enjoyable, so I found some old funeral programs we saved from deceased relatives. Anyway, Angels & Demons continues the formula of sending Tom Hanks on a desperate religious search to find out what the Smurf happened to his career. He should’ve never done Cast Away. I stand by this. Anyway, between Wolverine, Spock and Jesus, this week’s a great week at the movies for folks who like science fiction characters.

Coming Soon:

  1. Terminator Salvation: It’s got to be pretty tough to be a Terminator and taken seriously. When the first one was made, it came from the future, where apparently American scientists perfected the process of sending butt-naked Austrians into alleyways. The future year he came from in that film? 2029, meaning we’re only 20 years away from border-crossing killing machines (less if you count the drug war going on south of us in Mexico). This seems rather impossible to me. To date, the most advanced robot walking amongst us right now is Laura Bush. Oh, and peope who read The Da Vinci Code. I’m just saying, I think mankind will win this fight.

    LAURA-2000 BELIEVES IN CHILDREN'S LITERACY AT ALL COSTS

    LAURA-2000 BELIEVES IN CHILDREN'S LITERACY AT ALL COSTS

  2. Night At the Museum 2: Escape from the Smithsonian: Ben Stiller is comedy’s Tom Cruise. Same character in damn near every movie he’s in: the likable, bumbling, stuttering Good Guy. Tom always play the cool, level-headed, “dammit can’t you see that I’m seriously acting here so you’ll love me as an icon?”, grinning jackass.  I initially wanted to like Tom Cruise in the same way that I want to like, but can’t, Kobe Bryant: fun to watch perform, but those grins both say “guess who just porked your mom and sister while you napped?” and therefore, ruin the experience. The joke in Tropic Thunder was that Stiller’s character was the least relevant, arguably least talented one of the group who felt the need to overcompensate with this film. I daresay that’s a fair description Stiller period.  Still, these men are both better than Robin Williams , who I believe has a special ring of Hell reserved for him: it’s a room full of Robin Williams. I want Tommy Lee Jones to punch every single one of them in the face. Twice. Yes I know this has nothing to do with Night At the Museum 2 but sometimes these things must be said.

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Now Playing Near You: 2

NOTE: This post was originally supposed to appear a couple of weeks ago. We at The Kids….HQ apologize for this late delivery of funniness. Enjoy!

Happy Friday! Time to take a look at what’s coming to the big silver screen and internet torrent sites this weekend.

If you hadn’t noticed, we did this last week too, to much fanfare, and by “much fanfare” I mean, “thank you Claudia for leaving a comment on that post”. So, in the interests of at least entertaining one of my two readers, I present “Now Playing Near You: 2”; a quick review of movies that I’d never see, but am willing to review anyway.

Again, these are movies that you should avoid at all costs–but some of you will probably see anyway. Here goes…..

1. Obsessed: I’m almost too giddy to think of things to say about this movie. First of all, it stars Idris Elba; he’s currently on The Office,  and possesses a name that sounds fitting for Star Wars. Anyway, Idris Idris Binks was also on The Wire, which means he’s got some experience

Type Of Lines You'll Probably Hear In 'Obssessed': "I like my coffee like I like my men: black."

Type Of Lines You'll Probably Hear In 'Obssessed': "I like my coffee like I like my men: black."

dealing with hookers, which was why he’s been paired with…Beyonce’ a woman familiar with giving any “job” possible. And then there’s Ali Larter, who’s left Heroes to play, well, His Ho. Someone’s career is not going to survive this movie. Horrendous stereotypes, bad plotting, worse dialogue and bad hair abound, and yet amazingly this is not a Tyler Perry movie. Huh.

2. The Soloist:  How do you like your Jamie Foxx? I like mine ‘done’. Another word for this might be ‘unemployed’. Anyway, in The Soloist, Foxx plays a musician who finds himself homeless and crazy in L.A. I thought it was a bit soon to make a movie about Akon, but then what do I know? I also think it’d be better if Downey Jr. played the reporter who plays as the black homeless man who plays the violin.

3. Fighting: Terrence Howard gets punched in the face for squandering the praise he got for acting in Hustle & Flow. No, this one’s about a white guy who’s literally fighting his way out of the inner city. I don’t even see how this is a movie, unless it’s a documentary-style one with one of those cool “shaky cameras” the whole time and hearing the whimpering chant of “f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck” as he runs. At which point it’d be like Blair Witch, another movie about white folks being in places they shouldn’t be.

4. Tyson: Without a doubt, probably the scariest movie to appear since The Exorcist. Some fool was brave enough to follow Mike “I will eat your children right after I tattoo my face” Tyson around long enough to make a film. It’s 88mins long, which is roughly twice as long as

Off-camera someone's waving Robin Given's carcass.

Off-camera someone's waving Robin Given's carcass.

Tyson was married to Robin Givens. You will remember Robin Givens from Head of the Class (bitchy student), Boomerang ( bitchy girlfriend) and Tyson’s Waking Nightmares. Who do you think put that tattoo on his face? The director attempts to lighten the film’s content by interspersing pictures of puppies in the middle of the film, so don’t stay for the closing credits where Tyson bites the puppies’ heads off.

Coming Soon:

1. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past: Matthew McConaughey explains how he gave 30,000 women in L.A. syphillis. The movie also stars Jennifer Garner as an ex who is double-Smurfed since she’s got The Clap and The Affleck.

Jennifer Garner finds new ways to show she's the 'Bizarro' Jennifer Lopez.

Jennifer Garner finds new ways to show she's the 'Bizarro' Jennifer Lopez.

2. X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Hugh Jackman stars as a popular mutant-freak on the run willing to kill anyone to make a point. Originally penned to be Running and Shanking Origins: O.J. Simpson, the recent boom in comic book movies convinced Fox to make this about a superhero instead.

According to Hollywood Reporter though, the film still shows some signs of life as both Jamie Foxx and Terrence Howard have expressed interest in the project.

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It’s a Black World After All

Way back when, back when Halle Berry was merely another light-skinned girl in Hollywood, before she thinned her nose, Grand Theft Auto-ed people in LA and hate-f*cked Billy Bob to earn an Oscar, she did the movie B*A*P*S.

It was a classic movie, and by “it was a classic movie” I mean it obviously inspired a young, bright-eyed Tyler Perry with the following thought: I can make a career out of ruining black people’s foothold in society. Very funny.

Anyway, the movie is about two black girls in L.A. who have dreams of opening up a hair salon-soul food restaurant shop but their attempts go awry becau–fuck this, I can’t even rehash the plot without wanting to stab bapssomething.

Anyway, between B*A*P*S and Madea Goes to the Plantation, I was convinced that the fumbling era of black cinema was essentially over. But, with acute timing that can only be described as “magical”, Disney has tossed their hat in the ring to Bring Black Back.

From the company that brought you:

  • Ariel–the legless nympho willing to sacrifice her voice and daddy for some booty
  • Pocahantas–the Indian chick that lets squirrels, beavers, raccoons and butterflies convince her that death by smallpox, enslavement and genocide are ok if done in the name of jungle fever
  • Jasmine–where she’s the real genie in the bottle; Slumdog Aladdin only had to rub her the right way

and

  • Mulan–where a girl trades in her “Michelle Yeoh” for a “Mao Ze Dong” in order to serve in the Chinese army. Along the way she falls in love with one of her fellow soldiers but ends up being impregnated by Eddie Murphy’s dragon or something like that. Ho Chi Minh I think this is where Madea comes from!

…now bring you the next entry into this Skittles-rama of princesses.

Introducing Maddy, Disney’s first African-American princess.

Maddy is not only the company’s first BAP (take that Halle), but her film, “The Frog Princess” represents Disney’s return to hand-drawn animation (bye-bye Pixar, welcome back animated sweatshop!) a move that makes Maddy Frog2-1all the more symbolic. She’s like the Rosa Parks of Disney, only she looks like costume design sketches for old episdoes of Moesha. (check her out at the right)

So what exotic, fun locale did Disney pick for this film’s setting?

….

….

New Orleans.

Yes, that’s right, New Orleans.

Cause if there’s any place that captures the fantastical pleasures of the Brown Experience, it’s the recent Lost City of New Orleans.

Disney has accurately described this movie as “an American fairy tale”, which is hard to refute: I can think of few places that someone black would wear something that outlandish besides N.O.

Well, maybe Atlanta.

And prom-season.

Anyway, the plot. Dick Cook, Disney’s Chief Simba, had this to say about the film: “The film’s New Orleans setting and strong princess character give the film lots of excitement and texture, much like the coarse, kinky, savage hair of Maddy”.

He also mentioned that the hand-drawn approach to the film allows the animators to give full-rendering to the “beautiful, cartoonish curves we’ve all come to know and love in women like Beyonce’, Oprah Winfrey and myfrog posterco-worker’s wife, Anita.”

Sounds like someone’s using this film to vicariously take a trip to the taboo Never-Never Land.

So they’re light on plot right now. But an educated guess based on looking at the promo poster for the film makes me think that when the plot is revealed, it’ll go roughly like this:

Walt Disney Animated Studios is proud to show you that we’re bout it-bout it. The studio’s newest animated feature, ‘The Frog Princess’, is a story about Maddy, a drown-and-out sistah in New Orleans. Maddy’s just emerged from her Ward looking for the One True Love she was separated from due to the Big Storm. Hers is a tale of love, journey that will test her heart, her strength and soul (food). With the help of a trickster swamp rat named Fema, and a wily and wise crow named Jim, Maddy will go far and wide to find Tyreese. But will he recognize his love after succumbing to the clutches of the water nympho Ariel? In theatres June 19th.”

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Celebrity Twitter #4: Break-ups, it’s the Pitts!

In the past, my supreme hacking skills has enabled The Kids…to deliver you some high-quality Twittering from the likes of “Uncle” Joe Biden, Amy Winehouse and Angelina Jolie.

Today, we’re proud to bring you the next installment: Brad Pitt.

Monkey see, monkey do

Monkey see, monkey do

You know Brad. We all feel like know Brad too, don’t we?

Brad Pitt, of Hollywood fame, has it all: great movies, a Hollywood/magazine-cover-ready body, a big monkey face perfect for a revamp of Planet of the Apes, an assortment of Pygmy/aboriginal children from exotic locales and a partner who resembles a BJ-lovin’ praying mantis.

What more could he ask for? Well, maybe for those pesky break-up rumors to go away. But other than that, what to get the man that has everything? Besides opposable thumbs that is. Why a broadcast of his Twitter on The Kids.. of course!

Let’s do the damn thing. This jawn is gonna be hot.

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: Brad Pitt’s Twitter (permission granted by A. Jolie):

11:54am: hey out there folks. just got in from japan with a malaysian baby i got on the black market for madonna’s birthday. can’t remember if she’s got one already. fingers crossed, though!

12:04pm: as some of you know, i’m an architect on the side. i love to build houses and tear down women. anyway, creating a new work-out room for angie and i. angie insists i call her “angie” in public since she thinks it makes us look for wholesome and cute and her less “conniving and whoresome”. hi angie!

12:17pm: this new workout room’s coming together like a charm! it’s practically building itself, and by “practically building itself” i mean maddox, pax and zahara are putting it together. i really suggest getting these kinds of kids. they have lean ropey muscles perfect for hammering, lifting and massaging, and when you tire of them, you can

Off to build your new rec room (and our chinese tantric swing) kiddies! Happy Birthday!

Off to build your new rec room (and our chinese tantric swing) kiddies! Happy Birthday!

drop them off in south central or chinatown. save darfur.

12:32pm: watching friends. shh.

1:05pm: that was fun! be back in a bit, gotta get tissues or a towel.

1:22pm: just rented out the mann chinese theatre for a joint b’day party with the pitt-jolie kids and all of madonna’s adopted kids. we’re calling it 12 monkeys day. we’re going to have emilio estevez making balloon animals (he needs the work), a giant ball pen, a llama and salma hayek breast-feeding. tried to book the black eyed peas too, but their manager said they’ve already sold out. oh well.

1:33pm: man, i’m hungry but the fridge is like 14 feet away from here (rough architect estimation) where’s good help when you need it? oh right, building the workout room

1:55pm: folks, i gotta tell you; on days like this, i like to just sit on my couch and just meditate about all the things in life. like the importance of love, and building over-priced unaffordable homes for poor black people in new orleans. they need it. and ask myself the important questions like: should i have played benjamin buttons gayer so i could’ve beaten penn for milk? we’re about to shoot ocean’s 27: more man-love. should we stop congratulating ourselves at ocean’s 28 or 29? and is it ok if your partner likes you to call her your ex’s name when you’re making love? or if she calls you your ex’s name instead?

2:15pm: medicine time! time to take my mandatory sip from billy bob’s blood chalice. angie says it keeps me young and submissive. it’s in a vial marked “monster’s balls”. cute, angie!

2:20pm: want to continue my years-long design for the tsunami-sumatra folks. it’s a town that uses an elaborate water-slide instead of streets. almost done, but medicine made me so sleepy….

We're having Maddox and Pax frame this for Jen for X-mas. Angie's idea.

We're having Maddox and Pax frame this for Jen for X-mas. Angie's idea.

2:55pm: passed out after taking medicine. i think maddox and pax have taken my wallet.

3:10pm: found wallet. whew. now gotta pick a movie for tonight. angie wants to stay in. gotta pick something good. suggestions?

3:12pm: people have suggested twilight, quantum of solace and marley & me. can’t do twilight; angie finds any movie about the undead wooing an innocent “too autobiographical”, and when we watched marley & me last week, angie was confused because she couldn’t figure out “which one was the dog”. i’d pick quantum but i’m pretty sure she’s f-cked everyone in that cast. looks like we’re watching deliverance again.

3:29pm: pax just walked in complaining that he’s hot, tired and has been “hawucinating” because of the paint thinner in the workout room. kids are so cute. really folks, get some of these lil’ buggers. but get them outside the states, and make sure they’re organically-fed orphans. we buy everything organic: chicken, beef and brown orphans. end apartheid.

3:47pm: ok, time to go: angie’s coffin is stirring so she’s going to get up soon. be back later! watch ocean’s 14 coming to a theatre near you soon!

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The Garden of Eatin’

So, the other week we took a look at Applebee’s and now, The Kids is returning to America’s Restaurants with a peek at another chain mainstay:

The Olive Garden

Don’t get me wrong. When I was a kid, going to The Olive Garden was right up there in the “that’s my shit list” along with The Cosby Show (this was during Lisa Bonet’s “I’m bringing my ‘suburban slut’ olive-garden restangle into this bitch” stretch before Bill jettisoned her to A Different World), Nintendo’s Commando and TLC (the group, not the channel asshats).

But one day, all growed up, I returned to The O.G. with some friends and was shocked by what I discovered:

The Olive Garden really sucks.

No, no, I mean it really does.

The O.G. fills a unique niche’ that the American restaurant chain business had long neglected before:

— the joy of eating microwaved “Italian” food from the comfort of a restaurant.

I mean really; The O.G. might have some of the luke-warmest food in the world. I think their kitchen consists of one giant hot plate and a toaster oven (more on that in a second).

They then put your plate on the O.G. hot plate for about 45 secs and then reach into a grocery bag, tear open a box of Hungry Man:Extreme Italian Dinners, and drop it on the plate, where it cooks as they bring it out to you, like a fajita.

The other great thing about The Olive Garden? All problems are solved with breadsticks.

Just getting seated after an hour wait? OG bread

Extra breadsticks.

Don’t want the complimentary swine-trough of salad?

“We’ll give you more breadsticks”.

Found a rat’s dick in your pasta?

“We’ll open a new Hungry Man; in the meantime, have some more complimentary breadsticks, on us”.

I am convinced that above The O.G. kitchen door and the toaster oven (for the breadsticks if you haven’t guessed now) there’s a sign that reads, ALL COSTUMER COMPLAINTS SHOULD BE SOLVED WITH EXTRA BREADSTICKS.

It is amazing the effect that it has. In an average O.G. dinner, an average adult may consume up to 40 breadsticks. This is crucial since The O.G. breadstick–composed of butter, garlic salt and rat dick–is so breadsticksheavily seasoned with garlic, most conversation ceases because people are worried about offending each other with garlic rodent breath. Thus, no one is able to fully discuss how disgusting their dinner actually is.

But they know how to get ya, don’t they? First it was with the “authentic” commercials that they used to roll. You know, the ones that showed the “Shrimp-stuffed ravioli with a side of mashed potatoes” dish that they called something ignorant like “The Southern Italy Mobster Gobster” . And as the camera panned over the select dish, salad and about 1,000,000,000 breadsticks, a voice-over would say:

“We sent a team of our Olive Garden chefs to Italy this past summer to discover the latest, most exciting dishes being served in Italy. But they took the airfare and bet it on cockfighting in San Juan, so instead tons of breadwe present to you our newest dishes, something we at Olive Garden call, It’s Better Than Eating At Red Lobster’s Week.”

Nowadays, they’ve opted for the herpes/Jared’s/Yaz commercial route, showing 20’s-30’s-somethings professionals around an O.G. table feasting on the latest dish.

The latest one has a girl taking her new guy-friend (shh; she thinks he’s The One!) out to meet her closest multi-cultural friends at The O.G. to do a Big Meeting of the Friends. It’s goes well (no one can talk garden stixbecause of the breadsticks) and at the end she turns and says “I can’t wait for him to meet my parents next” and his look of shock is interpreted to mean that he’s not ready/unbelieving of this next step, but he’s really just realized that his sausage pasta dish wasn’t all…..well, sausage.

That, and this trick has just hustled him into spending $50 on dishes with the words “Sampler” and “Tour” in it.

But at least he’s not missing The Cosby Show.

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Zip, Zero, Nadya

Nadya Suleman, the woman who looks like a Nutty Professor-ized Angelina Jolie, is most famous for her conquest to unseat the Jon & Kate Plus 8 family by creating an army of WIC babies to take theirs on.

Her first salvo was using her vagina like a Xerox machine.

The Changeling: Everyone's favorite Womb Raider hugs for the camera.

The Changeling: Everyone's favorite Womb Raider hugs for the camera.

Done.

Next, she’s begun talks to get her own reality show: Nadya and Jizz Equals 8 Kids which I’m guessing involves following her as she carries her 8 kids in one of those over-sized IKEA bags that people always steal around town as she looks into future plastic surgery appointments and scares various ex-boyfriends by appearing at their door.

It’ll sort of be like Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes meets Dr. 90210.

Considering that the last single mom to pull this off was Shirley Jones on The Partridge Family, I’m curious to see how Nadya does this one.

Done

Anyway, now Nadya wants to trademark her name in an effort to leverage her new-found fame and baby-spitting il-ma-ma to rake in the big bucks. Nasty Nadya has been blessed by the media with the monniker “Octomom” and she now wants to make it into an income-earning identity.

Perfect for a load of laundry, a week's worth of groceries or 8 children under the age of 7

Perfect for a load of laundry, a week's worth of groceries or 8 children under the age of 7

Makes sense, right? We already have a Dr. Octopus, Octupussy (which is the name I think that she should have gotten) and that crazy octopus ride you see at amusement parks and shores, so why not an Octomom?

But how does she plan on making a living off of her nickname anyway? We’re reaching approximately 14:58 of her 15mins of fame, so pretty soon no one’s going to be name-dropping her anyway.

I suppose though this is where she’ll unveil a planned line of merchandise, like:

  • The Octomom “Home Pregnancy Kit”: where if Angelina’s face appears it means “pregnant!” and if Jennifer Anniston’s face appears it means “lonely and desperate”
  • The Octomom Snuggie: an over-sized human tarp meant to ensnare all your mistakes in one, comfy blankey. Comes with a night-light.
  • The Octomom Billiard’s Table: this Nadya-inspired billiard’s table comes with 8 balls and only one hole.
  • and lastly Suleman’s Octomom-edition deck of cards, perfect for playing Solitaire, Asshole and Crazy 8’s.

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