In the past, my supreme hacking skills has enabled The Kids…to deliver you some high-quality Twittering from the likes of “Uncle” Joe Biden, Amy Winehouse and Angelina Jolie.
Today, we’re proud to bring you the next installment: Brad Pitt.
You know Brad. We all feel like know Brad too, don’t we?
Brad Pitt, of Hollywood fame, has it all: great movies, a Hollywood/magazine-cover-ready body, a big monkey face perfect for a revamp of Planet of the Apes, an assortment of Pygmy/aboriginal children from exotic locales and a partner who resembles a BJ-lovin’ praying mantis.
What more could he ask for? Well, maybe for those pesky break-up rumors to go away. But other than that, what to get the man that has everything? Besides opposable thumbs that is. Why a broadcast of his Twitter on The Kids.. of course!
Let’s do the damn thing. This jawn is gonna be hot.
The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: Brad Pitt’s Twitter (permission granted by A. Jolie):
11:54am: hey out there folks. just got in from japan with a malaysian baby i got on the black market for madonna’s birthday. can’t remember if she’s got one already. fingers crossed, though!
12:04pm: as some of you know, i’m an architect on the side. i love to build houses and tear down women. anyway, creating a new work-out room for angie and i. angie insists i call her “angie” in public since she thinks it makes us look for wholesome and cute and her less “conniving and whoresome”. hi angie!
12:17pm: this new workout room’s coming together like a charm! it’s practically building itself, and by “practically building itself” i mean maddox, pax and zahara are putting it together. i really suggest getting these kinds of kids. they have lean ropey muscles perfect for hammering, lifting and massaging, and when you tire of them, you can
drop them off in south central or chinatown. save darfur.
12:32pm: watching friends. shh.
1:05pm: that was fun! be back in a bit, gotta get tissues or a towel.
1:22pm: just rented out the mann chinese theatre for a joint b’day party with the pitt-jolie kids and all of madonna’s adopted kids. we’re calling it 12 monkeys day. we’re going to have emilio estevez making balloon animals (he needs the work), a giant ball pen, a llama and salma hayek breast-feeding. tried to book the black eyed peas too, but their manager said they’ve already sold out. oh well.
1:33pm: man, i’m hungry but the fridge is like 14 feet away from here (rough architect estimation) where’s good help when you need it? oh right, building the workout room
1:55pm: folks, i gotta tell you; on days like this, i like to just sit on my couch and just meditate about all the things in life. like the importance of love, and building over-priced unaffordable homes for poor black people in new orleans. they need it. and ask myself the important questions like: should i have played benjamin buttons gayer so i could’ve beaten penn for milk? we’re about to shoot ocean’s 27: more man-love. should we stop congratulating ourselves at ocean’s 28 or 29? and is it ok if your partner likes you to call her your ex’s name when you’re making love? or if she calls you your ex’s name instead?
2:15pm: medicine time! time to take my mandatory sip from billy bob’s blood chalice. angie says it keeps me young and submissive. it’s in a vial marked “monster’s balls”. cute, angie!
2:20pm: want to continue my years-long design for the tsunami-sumatra folks. it’s a town that uses an elaborate water-slide instead of streets. almost done, but medicine made me so sleepy….
2:55pm: passed out after taking medicine. i think maddox and pax have taken my wallet.
3:10pm: found wallet. whew. now gotta pick a movie for tonight. angie wants to stay in. gotta pick something good. suggestions?
3:12pm: people have suggested twilight, quantum of solace and marley & me. can’t do twilight; angie finds any movie about the undead wooing an innocent “too autobiographical”, and when we watched marley & me last week, angie was confused because she couldn’t figure out “which one was the dog”. i’d pick quantum but i’m pretty sure she’s f-cked everyone in that cast. looks like we’re watching deliverance again.
3:29pm: pax just walked in complaining that he’s hot, tired and has been “hawucinating” because of the paint thinner in the workout room. kids are so cute. really folks, get some of these lil’ buggers. but get them outside the states, and make sure they’re organically-fed orphans. we buy everything organic: chicken, beef and brown orphans. end apartheid.
3:47pm: ok, time to go: angie’s coffin is stirring so she’s going to get up soon. be back later! watch ocean’s 14 coming to a theatre near you soon!