Now Playing Near You: 2

NOTE: This post was originally supposed to appear a couple of weeks ago. We at The Kids….HQ apologize for this late delivery of funniness. Enjoy!

Happy Friday! Time to take a look at what’s coming to the big silver screen and internet torrent sites this weekend.

If you hadn’t noticed, we did this last week too, to much fanfare, and by “much fanfare” I mean, “thank you Claudia for leaving a comment on that post”. So, in the interests of at least entertaining one of my two readers, I present “Now Playing Near You: 2”; a quick review of movies that I’d never see, but am willing to review anyway.

Again, these are movies that you should avoid at all costs–but some of you will probably see anyway. Here goes…..

1. Obsessed: I’m almost too giddy to think of things to say about this movie. First of all, it stars Idris Elba; he’s currently on The Office,  and possesses a name that sounds fitting for Star Wars. Anyway, Idris Idris Binks was also on The Wire, which means he’s got some experience

Type Of Lines You'll Probably Hear In 'Obssessed': "I like my coffee like I like my men: black."

Type Of Lines You'll Probably Hear In 'Obssessed': "I like my coffee like I like my men: black."

dealing with hookers, which was why he’s been paired with…Beyonce’ a woman familiar with giving any “job” possible. And then there’s Ali Larter, who’s left Heroes to play, well, His Ho. Someone’s career is not going to survive this movie. Horrendous stereotypes, bad plotting, worse dialogue and bad hair abound, and yet amazingly this is not a Tyler Perry movie. Huh.

2. The Soloist:  How do you like your Jamie Foxx? I like mine ‘done’. Another word for this might be ‘unemployed’. Anyway, in The Soloist, Foxx plays a musician who finds himself homeless and crazy in L.A. I thought it was a bit soon to make a movie about Akon, but then what do I know? I also think it’d be better if Downey Jr. played the reporter who plays as the black homeless man who plays the violin.

3. Fighting: Terrence Howard gets punched in the face for squandering the praise he got for acting in Hustle & Flow. No, this one’s about a white guy who’s literally fighting his way out of the inner city. I don’t even see how this is a movie, unless it’s a documentary-style one with one of those cool “shaky cameras” the whole time and hearing the whimpering chant of “f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck” as he runs. At which point it’d be like Blair Witch, another movie about white folks being in places they shouldn’t be.

4. Tyson: Without a doubt, probably the scariest movie to appear since The Exorcist. Some fool was brave enough to follow Mike “I will eat your children right after I tattoo my face” Tyson around long enough to make a film. It’s 88mins long, which is roughly twice as long as

Off-camera someone's waving Robin Given's carcass.

Off-camera someone's waving Robin Given's carcass.

Tyson was married to Robin Givens. You will remember Robin Givens from Head of the Class (bitchy student), Boomerang ( bitchy girlfriend) and Tyson’s Waking Nightmares. Who do you think put that tattoo on his face? The director attempts to lighten the film’s content by interspersing pictures of puppies in the middle of the film, so don’t stay for the closing credits where Tyson bites the puppies’ heads off.

Coming Soon:

1. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past: Matthew McConaughey explains how he gave 30,000 women in L.A. syphillis. The movie also stars Jennifer Garner as an ex who is double-Smurfed since she’s got The Clap and The Affleck.

Jennifer Garner finds new ways to show she's the 'Bizarro' Jennifer Lopez.

Jennifer Garner finds new ways to show she's the 'Bizarro' Jennifer Lopez.

2. X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Hugh Jackman stars as a popular mutant-freak on the run willing to kill anyone to make a point. Originally penned to be Running and Shanking Origins: O.J. Simpson, the recent boom in comic book movies convinced Fox to make this about a superhero instead.

According to Hollywood Reporter though, the film still shows some signs of life as both Jamie Foxx and Terrence Howard have expressed interest in the project.

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1 Comment

Filed under Now Playing Near You

One response to “Now Playing Near You: 2

  1. I’m officially hooked. Up that fan count to 3, lover.

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