Ok, so due to some weird technical difficulties, the last installment of “Now Playing Near You” and this installment are both appearing on the same Friday. The bad news is that you get to read about twice as many crappy movie reviews than usual; the good news is that there’s enough crappy movies to write about to fill an adult diaper. This is a good thing for you and I, kids.
So the drill is simple: I give arrogant, hilarious mini-reviews of movies I have not, and most likely will not, see at all. I do this out of elitism, as a word of caution to you, and because I’m short on ideas on a given Friday.
Playing Right Now
- X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Full disclosure. I am, if you have not already noticed on here, a huge comic book fan. In particular, I am a huge X-Men fan. And yet, I am on the fence. Part of me wants this movie to fail
miserably (please note that this movie has already grossed about 484 kabillion dollars) because the last X-Men movie sucked. But then I read this description: “Hip-hop Black-Eyed Peas frontman, Will.i.am plays mutant named ‘Wraith’ who possesses the ability to disappear’. Any script savvy enough to call for Will.i.am to disappear is at worst worth $12, at best, an Oscar. I’ll take 4 tickets please.
- Star Trek: You want to know how you know life is unfair? When you look at the fact that after co-starring in pothead-laughfest Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle and Harold and Kumar Make One Too Many Movies, the subsequent fallout has your co-star headed to teach classes at the University of Pennsylvania and then the White House, your best gig is watching Zoe Saldana get space herpes from a Vulcan. Set your phasers to ‘fail’.
- Angels & Demons (opening today): Ok, another full disclosure moment. I tried reading The Da Vinci Code
(or Duh Vinci Code as I like to call it) and after about 50 pages of the lamest attempt to make Jesus and monks interesting, I decided to read something more enjoyable, so I found some old funeral programs we saved from deceased relatives. Anyway, Angels & Demons continues the formula of sending Tom Hanks on a desperate religious search to find out what the Smurf happened to his career. He should’ve never done Cast Away. I stand by this. Anyway, between Wolverine, Spock and Jesus, this week’s a great week at the movies for folks who like science fiction characters.
- Terminator Salvation: It’s got to be pretty tough to be a Terminator and taken seriously. When the first one was made, it came from the future, where apparently American scientists perfected the process of sending butt-naked Austrians into alleyways. The future year he came from in that film? 2029, meaning we’re only 20 years away from border-crossing killing machines (less if you count the drug war going on south of us in Mexico). This seems rather impossible to me. To date, the most advanced robot walking amongst us right now is Laura Bush. Oh, and peope who read The Da Vinci Code. I’m just saying, I think mankind will win this fight.
- Night At the Museum 2: Escape from the Smithsonian: Ben Stiller is comedy’s Tom Cruise. Same character in damn near every movie he’s in: the likable, bumbling, stuttering Good Guy. Tom always play the cool, level-headed, “dammit can’t you see that I’m seriously acting here so you’ll love me as an icon?”, grinning jackass. I initially wanted to like Tom Cruise in the same way that I want to like, but can’t, Kobe Bryant: fun to watch perform, but those grins both say “guess who just porked your mom and sister while you napped?” and therefore, ruin the experience. The joke in Tropic Thunder was that Stiller’s character was the least relevant, arguably least talented one of the group who felt the need to overcompensate with this film. I daresay that’s a fair description Stiller period. Still, these men are both better than Robin Williams , who I believe has a special ring of Hell reserved for him: it’s a room full of Robin Williams. I want Tommy Lee Jones to punch every single one of them in the face. Twice. Yes I know this has nothing to do with Night At the Museum 2 but sometimes these things must be said.