Monthly Archives: June 2009

Now Playing Near You

Calorie City

Calorie City

This weekend, The Kids is in Houston for a wedding, and I’m sitting in a hotel room watching Spider-man 3 (easily the WORST of the 3)while cranking the AC to 60. Why? Because there’s a concrete asphalt of shittiness outside my window and a 100 degree sun heat-skeeting onto the earth here.

I say this to say, that I suddenly remember why I saw so many movies in Houston, and why I got so fat while I lived here from 2001-03.

So in the spirit of Clutch City, let’s loosen our belts and take a look at some movies this week, huh?

Again, these are quick, snobby reviews of movies I have not seen. Take them with a grain of salt if you’re stupid; as gospel if you’re smart (and I know most of you are, you’re reading this blog!).

Now Playing In Theaters

  1. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen: When I saw the first Transformers movie, I was appalled by its use of stereotypes, Bad American Culture and supremely-poor designs of the actual Transformers. That being said, I thought it was more human than Bay’s Pearl Harbor, which had an equally robotic cast consisting of Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett and Jennifer Garner. The sequel to Transformers brings Shia Lebouf back, who was lasttransformers-2 seen in Indiana Jones and the Arthritic Hemorrhoid, and Megan Fox, a girl who’s taste in movies (Transformers 1-2) and men (Brian Austin Green) shows that there’s even less than meets the eye when it comes to her. It also stars toy icons Optimus Prime, Megatron and Bumblebee who all sound like a collection of infomercial products. Later this summer, Hollywood continues to shit on my childhood with a G.I. Joe movie starring Marlon Wayans and Brendan Fraser. Unfuckingbelievable.
  2. My Sister’s Keeper: In My Sister’s Keeper Cameron Diaz has to make a tough choice: try acting now that she’s getting ‘old’ or become the next Goldie Hawn? Have you ever seen Cameron Diaz talk? I mean outside of the movie roles. She sounds like that girl we all knew in college over-used the word ‘drama’ to describe everything happening in her life at any given time. And I don’t know who’s ‘keeping’ who in this movie, but I wouldn’t trust Diaz to look after AA batteries for me, let alone a child. Besides, Cameron Diaz’s mug always looks like it’s suffering from ‘Bitter Beer Face’. Has she been using The Mask from The Mask all these years? Another ‘ready for Lifetime Network‘ movie.

    Pubic Enemy #1 wants you to see what's under her hood.

    Pubic Enemy #1 wants you to see what's under her hood.

Coming Soon:

  1. Bruno: I can’t say that I’m a fan of Sasha Baron Cohen of Borat fame. His first schtick was being a broken-English foreign reporter covering Americans; this go-round he’s playing a gay broken-English reporter covering Americans. His range is awe-inspiring. I wonder if he’d be seen as funny if he was posing as a minority….
  2. Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince: We’re now 6 movies into a story that has tense teenage boys wavering their wands around. I think in this one, Hermoine better start watching her heiny.

    Read this, Hermoine...it's called the Karma Sut--I mean 'How To Dumble Your Dore'

    Read this, Hermoine...it's called the Karma Sut--I mean 'How To Dumble Your Dore'

  3. Public Enemies: If you lost the ‘l’ it could be a movie starring Megan Fox and Perez Hilton on the run spreading their celebrity-disease across the country, but it’s instead a movie starring Johnny Depp and Christian Bale–two completely unstable stars that no news story would be too unbelievable. For example:
  • ‘Christian Bale Punches Child on the Set of Batman 3, Apologizes to Hand’
  • ‘Depp to Perform Autopsy on Own Body to See ‘What Makes Me Tick’ on Letterman Tonight’
  • ‘Johnny Depp to play Michael Jackson’s Fetus, Mother in Upcoming Biopic’
  • ‘Bale and Johnny Merge to Share All Future Movie Roles as New Actor ‘Christian Johnny’ ‘
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Smooth Criminal

smooth criminal

Speak-easy and carry a big glove.

Michael Jackson is dead.

Michael Jackson is dead.

Amazing, huh?

Michael Jackson will undoubtedly be remembered for a lot of things like ‘Thriller’, moonwalking and making Lisa Marie Presley relevant, but what’s perhaps his most overlooked contribution?

Gang overlord.

thriller_l

"I'm here to take your daughter out, sir."

That’s right; MJ, the King of Pop, the Gloved One, was many things, but most important was his legacy as a gang overlord.

MJ’s horrific reign as an urban kingpin spanned across entire races, cities, species and time periods.

The Kingpin of Pop commandeered Egyptian soldiers in an attempt to dethrone Pharaoh Murphy.

In the 1920’s Michael’s undeniable power as crime-lord had him busting into speak-easy’s, grabbing Asian chicks and crushing billiard balls in big guy’s faces as a metaphorical warning: I have a monkey who can do this to you.

One night in the 80’s, while out on a date with a neighborhood girl, he got so bored with the date that he raised the dead and led them down the streets of Minneapolis*. This would prove to be historical; the only other time such a collection of brain-dead zombies were seen dancing in the streets was when The Pussycat Dolls shot their music video “Wait A Minute”. This night drove Ola Ray (the girl) so crazy she started appearing everywhere naked later in life.

In the 90’s he visited places like Detroit, Cleveland and Milwaukee** he gathered gangs composed entirely of Latinos, Blacks, Whites and Wesley Snipes.

A 1992 New York Times article reported the following statistics during the height of Jackson’s reign:

  • inner-city harassment/chasing of light-skinned women: ^600%

    remember the time

    Get over here, Iman

  • choreographed gang dance attacks: ^1000%
  • vandalism of abandoned cars: ^240%
  • men in the mirror: ^112%
  • incidents of public self-fondling: ^300%

A rather harrowing legacy to leave behind, isn’t it? Interestingly enough, the article reports that the only thing that seemed to drop during the height of his run was boys’ pants.

…..too soon? (nods head)….too soon.

R.I.P. MJ

*guessing

**guessing again


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“Oh, the Places You’ll Go!”: The Love Edition

It’s been a long, long time since we dropped some log-language here at The Kids….

But it’s not been for lack of action.

Oh no.

I’ve been around town dropping “Easter eggs” pretty regularly.

Typically the places that I review are ones that I’d encourage you all to visit whenever you found yourself wandering the streets of Brotherly Love.

It’s sort of a “Frommer’s” for your Pooper.

A “Lonely Planet” for Uranus, if you will.

This edition of C.R.A.P. however is wedding-based.

I recently had the pleasure of attending the lovely wedding of Z &Z; they’re an adorable couple I’m quite fond of. Anyway, their very special day took place deep in the mountains of Eagles Mere, PA.

Not familiar with Eagles Mere, you say? Imagine your Nearest Big City.

Now take away the buildings.

Now take away the shops, save the weird craft store ones that you see at malls and wonder how they’re open still.

Now take away all  colored people (“people of color” sounds like science fiction to me, like Children of Men).

eagles mere

Only 10 more minutes until Colored People need to leave town! It's like New Years in this jawn.

What do you have left?

“The Shire” might be an initial guess, and it’d be accurate, but so would “Eagles Mere, PA”.

This outdoor wedding was on a picture-perfect day with lots of food, wine, cousins…and outdoor toilet?!

Let’s investigate, shall we?

The Kids Don’t Get It Gets Hitched To Some Shit

On that special day, the only things that matter are family, alcohol and someone keeping an eye on Uncle Harold and your kids. But you know what else matters? Crapping.

The Eagles Mere Wedding (or EMW) was an outdoor event. Not a real “camper” at heart, like any sheltered city/suburban kid, I quickly worry about the following when I’m outdoors:

  • looking any local in the eye for too long
  • where the nearest Fuddrucker’s/5 Guys is
  • whether or not it’s “horny season” for bears
  • where I can relieve myself after spotting a bear

This last item is of utmost importance. Weddings have 1. food 2. drink and 3. dancing and typically I don’t like to do 1 and 2 before doing 3; after all I don’t want to “Macarena” in the middle of the “Electric Slide”.

So what did the EMW have to offer? The fanciest outdoor port-a-johns my buttcheeks have ever seen? So while everyone else was tossing rice, I slipped away to drop some instead. And so, my once-in-a-lifetime chance to shit, EMW style.

Cleanliness: I don’t know about you, but when I hear the phrase “port-a-potty” I immediately think of Hershey syrup-stained toilet seats, hot piss and that blue Slurpee stuff that they put into the bottom that “masks” the odors and doubles as a Smurf-creating vat. Or something. Anyway, because of this, I was prepared for the worst, and by ‘the worst’ I mean ‘crabs’. So while everyone else admired the father-daughter dance, I went off to tango

Worst bridesmaids dresses ever.

Worst bridesmaids dresses ever.

with the toilet.

Inside there were flowers, hand-soap (real hand soap; not that scummy sex-organ fluid-like stuff you find in other restrooms), a mirror for single people to wonder what’s happening to their life and soft lighting so when you’re drunk you still think you look sober.

Anyway, I quickly walked to the back and, with a deep breath, I opened the stall door to find….cleanliness! It resembled one of those display bathrooms you see in Home Depot: all high-gloss and shine. As I unzipped and turned to drop down onto the seat, I paused and said, “If anyone objects to the union we’re about to create, let them speak now or forever hold my feces….”. No answer. Wedding on! +8

jerry_maguire_2

"You had me at 'Eagles Mere'."

Remoteness: Worried that you’ll have to say “I do-do” in front of a crowd of people at the EMW? No worries there, as the couple was savvy enough to have the bathrooms placed away from the action (that being the food, drink and any horny bears) and at the backside of the cabin-house where the reception took place. After saying hi/hellos to cousins, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, friends and caterers alike, I wiggled my way to the back where I found the uniquely-fancy port-a-johns majestically raised on steps. I don’t know if the EMW DJ planned on playing it, but I suddenly heard “Stairway to Heaven” playing in my head. With one look at the port-a-john, a tear rolled down my face as I muttered, “….you complete me”. +8

Access: Getting to the bathrooms was a cinch.  It’s in the back, so it was easy to get to (twss). With all the surrounding woodland creatures frolicking about, I sorta felt like Snow White. Unfortunately, I think I ate the Poison Apple, so I quickly felt like Snow Brown. Still, the woodland setting made for the most serene stroll; I started singing, “Going to the Port-a and I’m gonna get sti-i-i-inky….”. Birds landed on my shoulder. Squirrels ran around my ankles and taint. A horny bear sniffed my crotch. Or was that Uncle Harry? Either way, awesome. +8

Privacy: As I placed the seat-covering onto the toilet I said, “with this ass-bib, I thee wed”. At that point, I think I might’ve been the first to use it–I think everyone else was listening to some ‘speeches’ or something–so I once I finished, I ran out the port-a-john and waved my used toilet paper to the masses and yelled “Look, a virgin!”. Priceless. +8

Total C.R.A.P. score: 32 (on a port-a-john scale)

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Now Playing Near You: When Bad Ideas Attack

Oooook–it’s almost time for the weekend and that means it’s almost time for pudgy Americans to shun the sunlight like gremlins and head for the nearest movie theater for butter-battered pretzels, ice-cold theaters and Scary People Talking On Cell Phones during the movie.

It’s like being at work except not as many buttered pretzels.

Anyway, this piece is a weekly look at movies coming to theaters this weekend.

Mel makes his way to Loews

Mel makes his way to Loews

These are, as always, movies I wouldn’t dream of seeing, but use my astute deductive skills to make conclusions about the films sight unseen.

As a matter of fact, the following are Things I’d Rather See In The Dark than the movies we’re going to review:

  • your mom
  • the police
  • The Police (because Sting now looks like a wax museum figure)
  • Dracula
  • a rabid, hungry, horny dog (aka your mom)

…and that’s about it.

Ok, let’s do this.

Now Playing In Theaters:

  1. The Proposal: It’s the movie where Sandra Bullock continues going from “Sweetheart Girl Next Door ”  (see, “Hope Floats”, “Speed”, “While You Were Sleeping”) to “Dick-Ripping Shrew” (see, “Two Weeks Notice”, “Miss Congeniality” 1-2). Now in The Proposal, which I think was also a special episode of “The Bachelor” ,
    It would appear your hope does INDEED float, Mr. Reynolds

    It would appear your hope does INDEED float, Mr. Reynolds

    she plays a shrewd, frigid businesswoman (so contemporary!) who needs to marry her male subordinate Ryan Reynolds in order to stay in the country instead of being whisked back to Easter Island or wherever she’s from in this film. What’s great about Sandra Bullock movies is that they could all be on Lifetime Network for Films About Women Getting Knocked-Up, Beat-Up, Cheated On or Kidnapped. They all star Gail O’Grady.

  2. Year One: I loved Arrested Development.  Michael Cera was on that show; he’s also been in Juno, Superbad and Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist, and now, in Year One, he plays…..the character he played in Juno, Superbad and Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist. With Jack “Never Forget Shallow Hal” Black, the two star in a movie about cavemen doing the first-ever road trip. Meanwhile, another 10 quality minority films don’t get made (Tyler Perry
    Cera prepares to be CGI'ed into a pterodactyl

    Cera prepares to be CGI'ed into a pterodactyl

    does not, will not, ever count).

  3. Dead Snow: It’s taken me 5mins to write this line: this movie is about a group of vacationers being attacked by a group of dethawed Nazi zombies. As such, I will understand if you need to read that sentence 45x. I will also understand if you choose to see The Proposal instead. The movie begs so many questions that I’d almost go see it. Questions like: “what are zombies doing at a ski resort?” and, “is Mel Gibson still leading them?” and if so, can we call this movie “The Passion of the Reicht?”. It’s like my mom always said, “there are no stupid questions, just crazy white people doing crazy shit.” That’s One to Grow On.

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Absentee Note

OBAMA/

"Stop, Michele...stop...let ME hold it...dammit....!"

The other day, t-shirt magnate, Barack Obama, was in Wisconsin attending a townhall meeting. After calmly explaining several times that he was not there to introduce Brett Favre, he went on to president-ing. Anyway, while he was there, it was brought to his attention that there was a young girl in attendance who’d missed school to see Brett Favre’s return to the Packers.

Feeling bad for her, Barack Obama wrote her a note to show her teacher at school.

tom-myspace

"Please excuse Kennedy's absence. She's with me."

If it was me I’d write a note saying: “Dear Teacher, We’re transferring your job to New Orleans school district, effective 20mins after receiving this note. I am POTUS so I don’t even need to know your name. Pack your bags, you’re headed to the Big Easy. POTUS, out.”

–just to keep’em honest. Like Anderson Cooper.

bill_clinton

"Please excuse Kennedy's absence. She's with me."

Anyway, 10 yr-old Kennedy Corpus, who sounds like a porn star from the pages of Goose Bumps, got this note from Barack Obama instead: “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”

A fine note if you’re Barack Obama, but imagine if this note came from someone else.

“Who?”, you ask? A fine question. Let’s look.

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: Kennedy Corpus’ List of People Girls Shouldn’t Get That Absent Note From:

  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–Bill Clinton
  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–Chris Brown
  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–American Apparel photographer

    kobe grin

    "Please excuse Kennedy's absence. She's with me."

  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–Gary Condit
  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–“Tom”, from MySpace
  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–OJ
  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–Roman Polanski
  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”-Kobe Bryant
  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–Woody Allen
  • “Please excuse Kennedy’s absence. She’s with me.”–R. Kelly

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Now Playing Near You: We Didn’t Land on Plymouth Rock!

Greetings folks and welcome back to the work-week! (a little late, I know)

It’s almost the weekend, so we’re taking another look at the plate of movies being released this weekend.

Again, the drill (that’s what she said): I take a look at movies that I haven’t actually seen, nor want to, nor will

Yes, delirious indeed.

Yes, delirious indeed.

ever see–and review them. Quickly.

You can see previous entries in the margin to the right in the cleverly-tagged “Now Playing Near You” link.

Ok, let’s just do this.

Now Playing In Theaters

  1. The Taking of Pelham 123: This movie’s so bad, they’re already telling how many people are going to see this in the title alone. “123” also represents the # of bad movies that Denzel’s done since starring in
    Denzel was originally a member of the Wu-Tang Clan

    Denzel was originally a member of the Wu-Tang Clan

    ‘Malcolm X’. Really; when’s the last time you’ve seen a good Denzel movie? I mean one where the role couldn’t have been played by Larry Fishburne or Larry the Cable Guy. The last movie that I enjoyed of his was “The Preacher’s Wife” just because he’s got this bemused smile the entire time that says, “in between takes Whitney snorted coke off my belly”. And then there’s John Travolta, who looks like he’s playing Kevin Federline in about 10 years (or weeks…or now). Either way, “n*** get yo’ hand out my pocket!”–I’m not seeing this movie.

  2. Imagine That: Dated Whitney Houston. Got caught with a transexual prostitute.  Married and divorced Mel B, aka” Black Scary Spice”. Denied knocking her up. Stole Babyface’s wife; married her, divorced her due to lack of ‘whip appeal’. Made The Adventures of Pluto Nash. Made Delirious. And yet has starred in roughly 8 family-friendly movies since the mid-2000’s…..and just been green-lit to shoot Beverly Hills Cop IV. Imagine that.
  3. Food Inc.: A documentary aimed to accomplish the following: 1. make liberals give up yet another thing they enjoy in their life (meat). 2. give NPR a week’s worth of self-righteous reporting 3. drive the Hamburgular to drink. The synopsis says it’s a documentary about discovering “where the food you buy in the grocery store really comes from”. There’s no happy answer to the phrase “where ____really comes from”. I know this from conversations as a kid about “where babies really come from”, “where Santa’s gifts really come from” and “where Uncle James’ red eyes really come from”.

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Celebrity Chit-Chat: Perry For Your Thoughts?

The Kids…is continuing its attempts to make to the 27 million readers fantasy a reality by continuing its series of exclusive celebrity interviews.

The Kids..has already interviewed Beyonce’, and this week we’re lowering raising keeping the bar at the same level thanks to our latest interview: “filmmaker” Tyler Perry.

Not familiar with Tyler Perry? He’s #3 on Yahoo’s list of Worst Black Filmakers:

Guilty as charged/

Guilty as charged/

  1. any rapper
  2. R. Kelly
  3. any athlete
  4. Tyler Perry
  5. David Duke

He’s done a string of movies and plays that feature “Madea”: a “sassy”, “feisty” grandmotherly character played by Perry himself, with the assistance of a grey wig, glasses, moo-moo and slight breast padding. His movies operate on a simple formula:

  • get desperate has-been black actors/entertainers (Jill Scott, Janet Jackson, the ugly chick from “Set It Off”)
  • convince them to read and memorize bad script
  • act out 90mins worth of heavily-stereotyped blackness
  • pay actors in Popeye’s coupons

To say that these movies ‘kinda suck’ is like saying The Hills is ‘kinda fake’. And yet his movies make dollars; dozens and dozens of dollars.

If you want a hint at the quality of these movies, ponder this: in one calendar year, Tyler Perry released roughly 4 movies.

Four movies!

Adult films aren’t made at this rate.

Truly this man is a visionary, and by visionary, I mean a white supremacist.

Well, enough of this teasing; let’s thrust and Perry.

The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: An Afternoon with Tyler Perry

(The scene: our interview with Tyler Perry took place at a hotel in the heart of Chicago,IL; a place that Tyler affectionately callsChocolate City”. When I inform him that Chicago’s actually known as “the Windy City”, his Grandmamasmile disappears and he quikcly dons his “Madea” costume and after asking if I’d like some “chitlins for your (my) scawny lil ass”, announces he’s ready for the interview to begin.)

The Kids: OK, Tyler, first of all, we can’t do the interview with you in drag like that. You look like a cross between

The first coming of Madea

The first coming of Madea

Grandmama and RuPaul.

Tyler (still dressed as “Madea”): Oh stop sugah. You been ’round them white folks too long. Get over here and let me throw you over my knee and whup you once like yo’ Mama should’ve.

The Kids (dejected): God, we’re really going to do this, aren’t we?

Tyler: Don’t you take that Lawd’s name in vain, either! Boy, didn’t get raised with any manners?! I got half-a mind to take you to church– and half-a mind to take you to bed. Haha!

The Kids: That’s gross. Really, please, stop. Can we just do this interview for real? I can’t talk to this Sojourner Winfrey character of yours.

(Tyler removes wig, glasses; keeps breast padding on)

Tyler: Ok, but only for a minute. Plus, I have a boner.

The Kids: It’s ok, so did Beyonce’ when I interviewed. Anyway, I was recently looking over your filmography. I started with Diarrhea Diary of a Mad Black Woman and about 5 secs in, it occurred to me that I’d seen  an approach similar to this before in Birth of a Nation.

Tyler (smiling): You caught that, huh?

The Kids: I did. I then began watching one of the Madea movies. I believe it was Madea Meets Aunt Jemima. I ph_madeathink. I honestly got confused with the movies after awhile. It’s like….it’s like….you ever have to take a really long dump? One that takes so long that on some level you forget that you’re even sitting on a toilet? That’s what it was like for me: it was like you were continually shitting on blacks. So I guess my question is: what’s your ranking?

Tyler: Excuse me?

The Kids: Your ranking. Your Klan ranking. Wizard….Warlock….Muggle….?

Tyler: Oh. ‘Gandalf’. But I really don’t see the point of–

The Kids: No matter. (holds up two pictures: one of a slave ship being loaded, one of Tyler Perry’s The Family That Preys). Mr. Perry, in your professional opinion which of these is worse?

(Tyler points to the slave ship picture. The Kids ponders the picture for a moment, and without looking at Tyler, asks the following:)

The Kids: Mr. Perry; you’re Christian, right?

Tyler: Yes and proud of it.

The Kids: Then why do you insist on lying right now? No matter. Let’s wrap this interview up. I thought it’d be fun to visit one of your sets, but then I feared that the NAACP would be outside protesting so I declined. Maybe we tyler-perry-madeashould talk about something funny. I recently saw your comedy Diary of a Mad Black Woman.

Tyler: Yes! It was great.

The Kids: Yes, it less ‘haha’ funny and much more like ‘Jim Crow’ funny, in a ‘how do people get away with this? sort of way’. Anyway, I’m wondering how you motivate a cast to do such mediocre work.

Do you just say: “ok guys, I just need you to talk really loud and channel every black stereotype you’ve ever heard into your character. We finish early and I’ll treat everyone to Red Lobster. Remember there’s a bonus check for anyone willing to play the roles ‘Bad Mama’ and ‘Rufus’. So far I’ve only got ‘Vivica Fox’ and ‘Jill Scott’ signed up–and Jill’s put her name down for both roles. Fuck it, let’s just shoot the movie–I have to write another movie tonight so we can begin shooting tomorrow. ” Actually, don’t answer that,  I’m just going to use what I just said. Different question: how soon will Tyler Perry bring us blackface again?

Tyler: I thought you watched my movies?

The Kids: Good point. Anything else you want to add?

Tyler: Yes! I’m happy to announce that “Tyler Perry’s ‘Eat the Watermelons'” will be appearing on BET starting this Saturday night right after BET Uncut and right before 7 hours of T.D. Jake’s “How to Use the Book of Deutoroomy to Hustle Your Community” that Sunday. It’s going to be great!

(reapplies Madea wig, does a tittyshake dance and does the worm out the door).

The Kids: Very funny.

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