Needless to say, things have been crazy and quiet here at The Kids….for the last few weeks. My apologies. But let’s get back on track with some mini-reviews of movies in the theaters? Reminder that these are movies that I haven’t seen, and most likely will never see.
(ruffles imaginary newspaper since newspapers are now imaginary)
Let’s do this.
In the Theaters:
- Dance Flick: The latest entry in the “who greenlights these movies?”pantheon, is the movie “Dance Flick”–it’s one of those annoying “spoof” movies that’s a parody of every teen dance/competition movie released in the last 10 years. Anyway, this movie was promo’ed on MTV with a clip of the female lead (a young white girl) sitting in a dressing room praising the movie while “talking black”. I’d write more about this, but at some point I blacked out and awoke with my hand in my TV screen. This movie was made by the Wayans Brothers, who, in hindsight, ran out of funny ideas after they made the “Fire Marshall Bill” In Living Color skit that helped make Jim Carrey famous. Since then, the Wayans have made a career of making movies that teens can be sure
that they’re parents won’t go to, therefore ensuring that for about $12 they can f*ck in the dark theater in the company of their friends.
- Drag Me to Hell: Based on the title I was hoping that this was a sequel to To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar. In my mind I pictured Steven Segal, Jamie Foxx and Carlos Mencia playing that roles once held by Swayze, Snipes and Leguizamo. Sadly, instead what we’re getting is another horror film where a white girl gets hounded by the usual combination of weird silent screaming children, mysterious old people, voodoo priests, bugs and her period. Something like that. Drag Me to Hell is from director Sam Raimi who, along with Tobey Maguire and a singing scene for Kirsten Dunce Dunst, ruined Spiderman 3. Actually, maybe they should be dragging Raimi to Hell, huh?
- Up: My co-workers described it best: “It’s basically a movie about a young boy trapped in an old man’s house.” I would also add the words “with balloons” and “Boy Scout” to add to the indirect creepiness of it all. If after reading that and you still want to see it (in 3-D no less), then by all means go. And by “go” I mean, “hello, R. Kelly”.
- The Hangover: Ah, the “guy movie”. The Hangover is the latest installment of “STOP BEING A P*SSY AND LIKE THIS MOVIE” movie. It’s g’teed to have the following: 1. awkward gay jokes 2. obligatory minority bit character doing something “minority-ly” (this movie’s got Mike Tyson for a double-whammy
Non-Leading Brown Person Role and Random Celebrity Appearance Role) 3. titties 4. exaggerrated violence. Expect to hear a lot of “bro”, “dude”, “stop being a b-tch” type of comments. This will be seen by those friends of yours that recite lines from movies like Old School and Stepbrothers.
- Land of the Lost: Let’s see: Will Ferrell gets lost. Not a bad start. Dinosaurs: even better. Sounds like the recipe for a good movie, right? Overrated
comedian + dinosaurs= good movie. But if that’s the case, where’s Jeff Goldblum?