So, lately The Kids…have been boning up on ways to get the blog even more traffic than the current 14 million weekly readers* it currently has. One of the suggestions that I’ve come across in my research was to score an interview with a celebrity that people are interested in.
It makes sense, right? A good blog, after all, is essentially like a good magazine: it comes out consistently, has good content and should be hidden in your back drawer whenever you’re not having “me” time.
And so, with that in mind, I attempted to get a hold of a couple of pop-stars and celebrities. Over the next couple of posts, I’ll reveal the in-depth, intimate interviews that I conducted with each one.
First up: Beyonce’ Knowles.
The Kids…Presents: My Interview With Beyonce’ (with apologies to J-Wake).
(settles down into chair opposite Beyonce’, who is sitting on the back of Michelle Williams)
Kids..: Beyonce’, thank you for taking the time and interviewing with me. This is gonna be great on my blog.
Beyonce: Of course, sugar.
Kids…: Ok, great. Well, my first question: I recently saw your latest movie, Obsessed, and by ‘saw’, I mean, ‘I shat myself silly laughing at the trailer’. When you make a movie like that, how many times do you chant ‘cash whore’ in the mirror of your dressing room?
(nodding head) Kids…: See now, I would’ve guessed ‘7’.
Beyonce‘: 3. Time is money.
Kids…: Hm, deep. Great, ok, let’s see…I’ve got some more questions here… I’m just a little distracted seeing Michelle being used as a chair….ok….ok….Beyonce’: If you could go back in time and meet anyone, who would you meet?
Kids…: Hm, naturally. Ok, next question: Instead of music icon Etta James performing ‘At Last’ at Barack Obama’s inauguration, you performed. Etta hated it. Later in the year, you portrayed Etta James in the movie Cadillac Records. Etta, I would imagine, hated that too. You seem to have a love-hate relationship with Etta James, and by that I mean “you love to hate-f*ck her image”. So I guess my question is why did you eat the original members of Destiny’s Child?
Beyonce‘: I really believe that their power made me stronger. It made me who I am today, Kids: a sell-out. –You thought I was going to say ‘a survivor’, didn’t you?
Kids…: Beyonce’, what does Beyonce’ do when she’s having a bad day?
Beyonce‘: Sometimes I read the Bible, but most times I just think of Kelly’s career.
Kids…: Which one?….Ripa?….Clarkson?……Rowland….R?
Kids…: Beyonce’, you’re an entertainer and a strong tool for endorsing products. Would it be fair then to call you ‘a two-faced tool’?
Beyonce’: I…well…I think–
Kids….(holding hand up): Please, please….don’t think too hard on this.
Beyonce’: Ok, I won’t! I’m a WHOLE LOTTA WOMAN!
Kids…: Hm, yes. Ok, Beyonce’, at this time, I’d like to talk with your alter-ego, ‘Sasha Fierce’. Can you let me talk with her now?
(Beyonce’ leans a bit back in her Michele Williams chair, her eyes rolling back to her weave as she chants, “put a ring on it, put a ring on it, put a ring on it….slowly her head rolls back forward.)
Sasha (Beyonce’): This is Sasha,what you want? Fierce.
Kids…: Sasha, I’m a highly-successful blogger**. I just interviewed your other half Beyonce’ and–
Sasha (Beyonce’): –the one called ‘Beyonce’ is weak and fat. I am fierce. (kicks Michele in the belly with the back of her heel)
Kids…: –yes, right. Anyway, I wanted to ask you some questions real quick. First question: are you f*cking crazy, Beyonce’?
Sasha (Beyonce’): I am not The Beyonce’. I am Sasha. I am not insane. I only know Fierceness, Aggression, and Bold Sexuality.
Kids…: Yes, and combined with Heart, Earth, and Wind you create Captain Power. I get it. Anyway, are you really expecting the public to buy into this poorly-created ‘alter ego’ that supposedly represents your ‘wilder’ side? I mean, what has’ Sasha’ done that Beyonce’ couldn’t do as Beyonce’?
Sasha (Beyonce’): The Beyonce’ would not assume responsibility for the things that I’ve done….yet they were her wishes. For The Beyonce’, I, Sasha Fierce did the following: I tripped Michelle on the 106th and Park stage show. I convinced Kelly Rowland to do ‘Dilemma’ with Nelly. I made Nelly Furtado disappear again. I impregnated Solange’. I-
Kids…: Are you seriously telling me that you impregnated your own sister?
Sasha (Beyonce’): –do not interrupt me again. Sasha Fierce is not to be interrupted. But to answer your question: yes. I also convinced Janet Jackson’s titty to reveal itself at the Superbowl; it was clearly old, sleepy and scared, yet I convinced it that it was the opposite of that. And I shot JFK. I am also a Somali pirate. All for The Beyonce’.
(her head snaps back so suddenly a her shoe falls off to reveal a cloven foot. She quickly wraps it in Michelle’s hair. Beyonce’ has returned)
Beyonce’ (still slightly dizzy): Say my name, say my name, when no one is around you, say ‘baby I love you’….ah, hello Kids- was that helpful? She’s pretty fierce you know.
Kids…: Beyonce’, stop. No really, just stop. This has gotten beyond silly now; we’re treading into ‘Pink Panter’ territory now. Any last words, Beyonce’?
Beyonce‘: Why yes, I’d like to tell your readers about some products that I have coming out:
- First off, “Beyonce’ s All-Natural, Spreadable Jam” with flavors including strawberry, purple, Beyonceberry and vanilla. I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly!
- Next, I have the Beyonce’ line of sex toys. First up, is something for the fellas and their junk. We’re still testing it in Cancun right now, so I can’t say much about it, but let’s just say fellas, “if you like her, put a ring on it!”.
- And lastly, Kelly.
Kids…: ‘Kelly’? What do you mean, ‘Kelly’?
Beyonce’: I am selling Kelly. Nightly. And it’s going to be at a great rate, because, let’s face it: she isn’t worth much as it is. $5/night. $10 if you put a Beyonce’ ring on it.
**also a lie.