If you’re in the high school, limousine, condom or daycare business, you’re well aware of what season we’re knee-deep in right now: prom season!
For those of you not aware of this phenomenon, “prom” is the day that all seniors and their middle-school girlfriends look forward to. When I was a kid in H.S., I was thoroughly convinced that I wouldn’t even go to the
prom–my mom insisted that she was “busy” that night and taking my sister would’ve been just weird–and so when I did get a date, the only thing I could think was, “…but who’s going to watch TGIF with Nana?”.
Anyway, needless to say, prom night’s different nowadays.
This could not be more evident until I became an educator.
I’ve now witnessed Prom Night in Houston, D.C., Baltimore and Philadelphia (the Bermuda Quadrangle of inner-city America)–a gauntlet of tragic exposure that places me squarely between people who witnessed the crashing of the Hindenberg and an assortment of World’s Worst Animal Maulings (bear, sharks, Rosie O’Donnell).
But really Prom Night can be summed up with one word:
And no, not (only) in the way you think.
Ways that Prom Night Is Booty: The Boys
- The suits. Boys going to the prom go into some place that I am sure has the word “suit” or “world” in its name, like “Men’s World” or “Suit Store” or “Suit World”. Once in there, they clearly stride over to the counter and say, “please make me look like Mr. Monopoly”.
- The second request that boys make: “In my hand I have an assortment of Skittles. I want my suit to match one of these colors, and only that color.”
- Lastly,no tailoring. The suit is purchased at an all-purpose size that’s perfect for weathering any situation,
whether that be using a gale-force wind to sweep you away from your prom date, hiding the prom dinner in your pants, or maybe your teacher’s car. You just sort of take them as-is; large and ill-fitting, like your sister.
Ways that Prom Night Is Booty: The Girls
- Go to South Street.
- Find a dress 3 sizes too small.
- Place in dryer. Pull out. (twss)
- Cut slit in back of dress.
- Cut deeper slit up front, thighs of dress.
- tear off one (1) sleeve
- Paint eyes with Dutch-boy paint.
- Use cut sleeve as “Prom Night Fun” condom
All told, on prom night, the kids tend to look more like Project Runaway than Runway.
From what I can tell, the next step is to decide what type of ride to appear in. The limos are meant for shock, awe and sufficient room for head parties. The bluer the racing light underneath, and the more stretched it is, the better.
It’s like The Fast and the Furious meets Soul Plane. These are the types of rides that would make Jamie Foxx
proud…..and by Jamie Foxx, I mean, ‘Jamie Foxx is probably becoming your illegitimate son-in-law on this night’.
If you’re lucky enough to be in attendance when all of this teen sensation comes together, you’re in for a treat because the real show starts inside. I’ve only attended one once, and witnessed the following:
- Watching the school’s valedictorian “bend over to the front, and touch (her) toes” which is sort of finding out that not only is there not a Santa Claus, but that “Santa” is actually sleeping with your mom. Ho, ho, ho.
- Seeing a shy teacher get goaded onto the floor by some of the students–and then getting traumatically urban-mosh-pitted to the tune of “Move B-tch, Get Out the Way”. The teacher did not return the next year.
- More inappropriate splits and dance floor exercises than an underage Chinese gymnast team. Seriously, kids who refused to change for/participate in/attend/pass gym class were doing things I thought were only possible for Jackie Chan, Neo and maybe Carmela Bing. The staff/kids called it ‘grinding’ whereas I called it “zoo-f-cking to music”.
By the time I got home that night, I felt as though I’d been on the set of a porn shoot. I even deleted the cookies on my computer that night because I felt that somehow, some way, something should be erased or deleted after that night.
And then I watched some old episodes of Full House.