The Kids…is continuing its attempts to make to the 27 million readers fantasy a reality by continuing its series of exclusive celebrity interviews.
The Kids..has already interviewed Beyonce’, and this week we’re lowering raising keeping the bar at the same level thanks to our latest interview: “filmmaker” Tyler Perry.
Not familiar with Tyler Perry? He’s #3 on Yahoo’s list of Worst Black Filmakers:
- any rapper
- R. Kelly
- any athlete
- Tyler Perry
- David Duke
He’s done a string of movies and plays that feature “Madea”: a “sassy”, “feisty” grandmotherly character played by Perry himself, with the assistance of a grey wig, glasses, moo-moo and slight breast padding. His movies operate on a simple formula:
- get desperate has-been black actors/entertainers (Jill Scott, Janet Jackson, the ugly chick from “Set It Off”)
- convince them to read and memorize bad script
- act out 90mins worth of heavily-stereotyped blackness
- pay actors in Popeye’s coupons
To say that these movies ‘kinda suck’ is like saying The Hills is ‘kinda fake’. And yet his movies make dollars; dozens and dozens of dollars.
If you want a hint at the quality of these movies, ponder this: in one calendar year, Tyler Perry released roughly 4 movies.
Adult films aren’t made at this rate.
Truly this man is a visionary, and by visionary, I mean a white supremacist.
Well, enough of this teasing; let’s thrust and Perry.
The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: An Afternoon with Tyler Perry
(The scene: our interview with Tyler Perry took place at a hotel in the heart of Chicago,IL; a place that Tyler affectionately calls “Chocolate City”. When I inform him that Chicago’s actually known as “the Windy City”, his smile disappears and he quikcly dons his “Madea” costume and after asking if I’d like some “chitlins for your (my) scawny lil ass”, announces he’s ready for the interview to begin.)
The Kids: OK, Tyler, first of all, we can’t do the interview with you in drag like that. You look like a cross between
Grandmama and RuPaul.
Tyler (still dressed as “Madea”): Oh stop sugah. You been ’round them white folks too long. Get over here and let me throw you over my knee and whup you once like yo’ Mama should’ve.
The Kids (dejected): God, we’re really going to do this, aren’t we?
Tyler: Don’t you take that Lawd’s name in vain, either! Boy, didn’t get raised with any manners?! I got half-a mind to take you to church– and half-a mind to take you to bed. Haha!
The Kids: That’s gross. Really, please, stop. Can we just do this interview for real? I can’t talk to this Sojourner Winfrey character of yours.
(Tyler removes wig, glasses; keeps breast padding on)
Tyler: Ok, but only for a minute. Plus, I have a boner.
The Kids: It’s ok, so did Beyonce’ when I interviewed. Anyway, I was recently looking over your filmography. I started with Diarrhea Diary of a Mad Black Woman and about 5 secs in, it occurred to me that I’d seen an approach similar to this before in Birth of a Nation.
Tyler (smiling): You caught that, huh?
The Kids: I did. I then began watching one of the Madea movies. I believe it was Madea Meets Aunt Jemima. I think. I honestly got confused with the movies after awhile. It’s like….it’s like….you ever have to take a really long dump? One that takes so long that on some level you forget that you’re even sitting on a toilet? That’s what it was like for me: it was like you were continually shitting on blacks. So I guess my question is: what’s your ranking?
Tyler: Excuse me?
The Kids: Your ranking. Your Klan ranking. Wizard….Warlock….Muggle….?
Tyler: Oh. ‘Gandalf’. But I really don’t see the point of–
The Kids: No matter. (holds up two pictures: one of a slave ship being loaded, one of Tyler Perry’s The Family That Preys). Mr. Perry, in your professional opinion which of these is worse?
(Tyler points to the slave ship picture. The Kids ponders the picture for a moment, and without looking at Tyler, asks the following:)
The Kids: Mr. Perry; you’re Christian, right?
Tyler: Yes and proud of it.
The Kids: Then why do you insist on lying right now? No matter. Let’s wrap this interview up. I thought it’d be fun to visit one of your sets, but then I feared that the NAACP would be outside protesting so I declined. Maybe we should talk about something funny. I recently saw your comedy Diary of a Mad Black Woman.
Tyler: Yes! It was great.
The Kids: Yes, it less ‘haha’ funny and much more like ‘Jim Crow’ funny, in a ‘how do people get away with this? sort of way’. Anyway, I’m wondering how you motivate a cast to do such mediocre work.
Do you just say: “ok guys, I just need you to talk really loud and channel every black stereotype you’ve ever heard into your character. We finish early and I’ll treat everyone to Red Lobster. Remember there’s a bonus check for anyone willing to play the roles ‘Bad Mama’ and ‘Rufus’. So far I’ve only got ‘Vivica Fox’ and ‘Jill Scott’ signed up–and Jill’s put her name down for both roles. Fuck it, let’s just shoot the movie–I have to write another movie tonight so we can begin shooting tomorrow. ” Actually, don’t answer that, I’m just going to use what I just said. Different question: how soon will Tyler Perry bring us blackface again?
Tyler: I thought you watched my movies?
The Kids: Good point. Anything else you want to add?
Tyler: Yes! I’m happy to announce that “Tyler Perry’s ‘Eat the Watermelons'” will be appearing on BET starting this Saturday night right after BET Uncut and right before 7 hours of T.D. Jake’s “How to Use the Book of Deutoroomy to Hustle Your Community” that Sunday. It’s going to be great!
(reapplies Madea wig, does a tittyshake dance and does the worm out the door).
The Kids: Very funny.