Now Playing Near You: We Didn’t Land on Plymouth Rock!

Greetings folks and welcome back to the work-week! (a little late, I know)

It’s almost the weekend, so we’re taking another look at the plate of movies being released this weekend.

Again, the drill (that’s what she said): I take a look at movies that I haven’t actually seen, nor want to, nor will

Yes, delirious indeed.

Yes, delirious indeed.

ever see–and review them. Quickly.

You can see previous entries in the margin to the right in the cleverly-tagged “Now Playing Near You” link.

Ok, let’s just do this.

Now Playing In Theaters

  1. The Taking of Pelham 123: This movie’s so bad, they’re already telling how many people are going to see this in the title alone. “123” also represents the # of bad movies that Denzel’s done since starring in
    Denzel was originally a member of the Wu-Tang Clan

    Denzel was originally a member of the Wu-Tang Clan

    ‘Malcolm X’. Really; when’s the last time you’ve seen a good Denzel movie? I mean one where the role couldn’t have been played by Larry Fishburne or Larry the Cable Guy. The last movie that I enjoyed of his was “The Preacher’s Wife” just because he’s got this bemused smile the entire time that says, “in between takes Whitney snorted coke off my belly”. And then there’s John Travolta, who looks like he’s playing Kevin Federline in about 10 years (or weeks…or now). Either way, “n*** get yo’ hand out my pocket!”–I’m not seeing this movie.

  2. Imagine That: Dated Whitney Houston. Got caught with a transexual prostitute.  Married and divorced Mel B, aka” Black Scary Spice”. Denied knocking her up. Stole Babyface’s wife; married her, divorced her due to lack of ‘whip appeal’. Made The Adventures of Pluto Nash. Made Delirious. And yet has starred in roughly 8 family-friendly movies since the mid-2000’s…..and just been green-lit to shoot Beverly Hills Cop IV. Imagine that.
  3. Food Inc.: A documentary aimed to accomplish the following: 1. make liberals give up yet another thing they enjoy in their life (meat). 2. give NPR a week’s worth of self-righteous reporting 3. drive the Hamburgular to drink. The synopsis says it’s a documentary about discovering “where the food you buy in the grocery store really comes from”. There’s no happy answer to the phrase “where ____really comes from”. I know this from conversations as a kid about “where babies really come from”, “where Santa’s gifts really come from” and “where Uncle James’ red eyes really come from”.

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