Oooook–it’s almost time for the weekend and that means it’s almost time for pudgy Americans to shun the sunlight like gremlins and head for the nearest movie theater for butter-battered pretzels, ice-cold theaters and Scary People Talking On Cell Phones during the movie.
It’s like being at work except not as many buttered pretzels.
Anyway, this piece is a weekly look at movies coming to theaters this weekend.
These are, as always, movies I wouldn’t dream of seeing, but use my astute deductive skills to make conclusions about the films sight unseen.
As a matter of fact, the following are Things I’d Rather See In The Dark than the movies we’re going to review:
- your mom
- the police
- The Police (because Sting now looks like a wax museum figure)
- a rabid, hungry, horny dog (aka your mom)
…and that’s about it.
Ok, let’s do this.
Now Playing In Theaters:
- The Proposal: It’s the movie where Sandra Bullock continues going from “Sweetheart Girl Next Door ” (see, “Hope Floats”, “Speed”, “While You Were Sleeping”) to “Dick-Ripping Shrew” (see, “Two Weeks Notice”, “Miss Congeniality” 1-2). Now in The Proposal, which I think was also a special episode of “The Bachelor” ,
she plays a shrewd, frigid businesswoman (so contemporary!) who needs to marry her male subordinate Ryan Reynolds in order to stay in the country instead of being whisked back to Easter Island or wherever she’s from in this film. What’s great about Sandra Bullock movies is that they could all be on Lifetime Network for Films About Women Getting Knocked-Up, Beat-Up, Cheated On or Kidnapped. They all star Gail O’Grady.
- Year One: I loved Arrested Development. Michael Cera was on that show; he’s also been in Juno, Superbad and Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist, and now, in Year One, he plays…..the character he played in Juno, Superbad and Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist. With Jack “Never Forget Shallow Hal” Black, the two star in a movie about cavemen doing the first-ever road trip. Meanwhile, another 10 quality minority films don’t get made (Tyler Perry
does not, will not, ever count).
- Dead Snow: It’s taken me 5mins to write this line: this movie is about a group of vacationers being attacked by a group of dethawed Nazi zombies. As such, I will understand if you need to read that sentence 45x. I will also understand if you choose to see The Proposal instead. The movie begs so many questions that I’d almost go see it. Questions like: “what are zombies doing at a ski resort?” and, “is Mel Gibson still leading them?” and if so, can we call this movie “The Passion of the Reicht?”. It’s like my mom always said, “there are no stupid questions, just crazy white people doing crazy shit.” That’s One to Grow On.