Now Playing Near You

Calorie City

Calorie City

This weekend, The Kids is in Houston for a wedding, and I’m sitting in a hotel room watching Spider-man 3 (easily the WORST of the 3)while cranking the AC to 60. Why? Because there’s a concrete asphalt of shittiness outside my window and a 100 degree sun heat-skeeting onto the earth here.

I say this to say, that I suddenly remember why I saw so many movies in Houston, and why I got so fat while I lived here from 2001-03.

So in the spirit of Clutch City, let’s loosen our belts and take a look at some movies this week, huh?

Again, these are quick, snobby reviews of movies I have not seen. Take them with a grain of salt if you’re stupid; as gospel if you’re smart (and I know most of you are, you’re reading this blog!).

Now Playing In Theaters

  1. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen: When I saw the first Transformers movie, I was appalled by its use of stereotypes, Bad American Culture and supremely-poor designs of the actual Transformers. That being said, I thought it was more human than Bay’s Pearl Harbor, which had an equally robotic cast consisting of Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett and Jennifer Garner. The sequel to Transformers brings Shia Lebouf back, who was lasttransformers-2 seen in Indiana Jones and the Arthritic Hemorrhoid, and Megan Fox, a girl who’s taste in movies (Transformers 1-2) and men (Brian Austin Green) shows that there’s even less than meets the eye when it comes to her. It also stars toy icons Optimus Prime, Megatron and Bumblebee who all sound like a collection of infomercial products. Later this summer, Hollywood continues to shit on my childhood with a G.I. Joe movie starring Marlon Wayans and Brendan Fraser. Unfuckingbelievable.
  2. My Sister’s Keeper: In My Sister’s Keeper Cameron Diaz has to make a tough choice: try acting now that she’s getting ‘old’ or become the next Goldie Hawn? Have you ever seen Cameron Diaz talk? I mean outside of the movie roles. She sounds like that girl we all knew in college over-used the word ‘drama’ to describe everything happening in her life at any given time. And I don’t know who’s ‘keeping’ who in this movie, but I wouldn’t trust Diaz to look after AA batteries for me, let alone a child. Besides, Cameron Diaz’s mug always looks like it’s suffering from ‘Bitter Beer Face’. Has she been using The Mask from The Mask all these years? Another ‘ready for Lifetime Network‘ movie.

    Pubic Enemy #1 wants you to see what's under her hood.

    Pubic Enemy #1 wants you to see what's under her hood.

Coming Soon:

  1. Bruno: I can’t say that I’m a fan of Sasha Baron Cohen of Borat fame. His first schtick was being a broken-English foreign reporter covering Americans; this go-round he’s playing a gay broken-English reporter covering Americans. His range is awe-inspiring. I wonder if he’d be seen as funny if he was posing as a minority….
  2. Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince: We’re now 6 movies into a story that has tense teenage boys wavering their wands around. I think in this one, Hermoine better start watching her heiny.

    Read this, Hermoine...it's called the Karma Sut--I mean 'How To Dumble Your Dore'

    Read this, Hermoine...it's called the Karma Sut--I mean 'How To Dumble Your Dore'

  3. Public Enemies: If you lost the ‘l’ it could be a movie starring Megan Fox and Perez Hilton on the run spreading their celebrity-disease across the country, but it’s instead a movie starring Johnny Depp and Christian Bale–two completely unstable stars that no news story would be too unbelievable. For example:
  • ‘Christian Bale Punches Child on the Set of Batman 3, Apologizes to Hand’
  • ‘Depp to Perform Autopsy on Own Body to See ‘What Makes Me Tick’ on Letterman Tonight’
  • ‘Johnny Depp to play Michael Jackson’s Fetus, Mother in Upcoming Biopic’
  • ‘Bale and Johnny Merge to Share All Future Movie Roles as New Actor ‘Christian Johnny’ ‘
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