Smooth Criminal

smooth criminal

Speak-easy and carry a big glove.

Michael Jackson is dead.

Michael Jackson is dead.

Amazing, huh?

Michael Jackson will undoubtedly be remembered for a lot of things like ‘Thriller’, moonwalking and making Lisa Marie Presley relevant, but what’s perhaps his most overlooked contribution?

Gang overlord.


"I'm here to take your daughter out, sir."

That’s right; MJ, the King of Pop, the Gloved One, was many things, but most important was his legacy as a gang overlord.

MJ’s horrific reign as an urban kingpin spanned across entire races, cities, species and time periods.

The Kingpin of Pop commandeered Egyptian soldiers in an attempt to dethrone Pharaoh Murphy.

In the 1920’s Michael’s undeniable power as crime-lord had him busting into speak-easy’s, grabbing Asian chicks and crushing billiard balls in big guy’s faces as a metaphorical warning: I have a monkey who can do this to you.

One night in the 80’s, while out on a date with a neighborhood girl, he got so bored with the date that he raised the dead and led them down the streets of Minneapolis*. This would prove to be historical; the only other time such a collection of brain-dead zombies were seen dancing in the streets was when The Pussycat Dolls shot their music video “Wait A Minute”. This night drove Ola Ray (the girl) so crazy she started appearing everywhere naked later in life.

In the 90’s he visited places like Detroit, Cleveland and Milwaukee** he gathered gangs composed entirely of Latinos, Blacks, Whites and Wesley Snipes.

A 1992 New York Times article reported the following statistics during the height of Jackson’s reign:

  • inner-city harassment/chasing of light-skinned women: ^600%

    remember the time

    Get over here, Iman

  • choreographed gang dance attacks: ^1000%
  • vandalism of abandoned cars: ^240%
  • men in the mirror: ^112%
  • incidents of public self-fondling: ^300%

A rather harrowing legacy to leave behind, isn’t it? Interestingly enough, the article reports that the only thing that seemed to drop during the height of his run was boys’ pants.

…..too soon? (nods head)….too soon.



**guessing again


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