Monthly Archives: July 2009

Now Playing Near You: Back in the Sandler(lot)

Hey-o! It’s Friday, and you know what that means:

3 hours of “What Not to Wear”! Yes! Hello Stacy and Clint!

I must admit that I have this dream of walking around the city (they shoot a lot in Philly) wearing ridiculous clothing like a bandana, a tuxedo shirt and Adidas running pants. And Crocs. Which I hate.

TGIF!

TGIF!

Or just naked with cool Kanye West-like sunglasses. Just something to make someone say, “Oh man, I gotta call What Not to Wear–and then the police”.

But alas, enough about last week, let’s talk about what you’re doing this weekend: movies!

Let’s crack open the “newspaper” and take a look at what’s coming out this weekend……remember, these are movies that I haven’t actually seen yet, so take these reviews with a grain of salt, like your penis.

Let’s do this!

Now Playing In Theaters

1. Funny People: I love Adam Sandler. I think he’s totally hilarious in his movies with the way that he breaks shit all the time, punches people randomly, constantly shouts at weird intervals….he’s like your favorite drunk Uncle. Or, a frat boy. Anyway, that sentence was originally written in 1999, roughly the last time I found anything that Sandler did to be funny. And that was in The Waterboy, a movie that when I look back on now, I realize was essentially working off the premise, “aren’t autistic kids who dream big funny?”. He is joined by Seth Rogen, another comedian who graduated from the White Boys Like Us School of Comedy. Other graduates include Will Ferrell (WBLUSoC c/o ’99), Steve Carrell (WBLUSoC ’06) and founder Greg Gumbel. Anyway, the movie is about Adam Sandler playing a dying (yay!) comedian and befriending Seth Rogen’s up-and-coming comedian character. This is another Apatow vehicle that will undoubtedly skew towards its usual characteristics: awkward dude friendship (see 40 Yr Old, Knocked Up, Superbad), with  5-10 gay/male intimacy jokes, an off-color joke delivered by a female (Leslie Mann, who I love) and a Really Sweet Message. Aaaaand done. I just made a Judd Apatow movie. And I just saved you $12.

2. Aliens in the Attic: I got all psyched to watch this preview a few weeks ago as visions of Maria Full of Grace, Under the Same Moon and The George Lopez Show danced through my head. And then it came on and I saw

Uh....habla espanol?

Uh....habla espanol?

that this had nothing to do with Mexicans (Maria…Grace), immigration (Moon) or drug mules (George Lopez). A missed opportunity for a great indie title about a Columbia, MD family that makes the difficult decision to hide their nanny and her kids in their attic, letting her out only when they’re hungry and when Billy and Katie need to be taken to soccer games and Back to School Night. Or, “in the quiet suburbs of Lower Merion the Clarksons can’t figure out why all the food keeps disappearing in the fridge, or why husband Bill’s “Chicago Bulls 1994 Eastern Conference Finals Champs” t-shirt is suddenly missing. Meanwhile, wife Judy watches a mysterious brown man hop into a different truck every morning outside of Wawa and daughter Stacey is suddenly…..pregnant”? Sadly, the movie’s actually about siblings who have their home invaded by tiny, violent, Earth-conquering space invaders. Starring Kevin Nealon and Tim Meadows who could also star in the sequel/spinoff Comedian Careers in the Basement.

3. The Collector: This movie’s about a recently released ex-con who agrees to break into a country club owner’s home in order to repay a debt to his ex-wife but discovers there’s a killer in the house that’s already killed the entire family. One of the movie’s headliners is a woman named “Madeline Zima”–who’s ever enjoyed a fucking Zima before? I think actor “Brock Red Bull” is playing the part of The Collector. I am now adding “Madeline Zima” to the list of “Strangest Hollywood Names” along with “CCH Pounder”.

Coming Soon:

1. Julie&Julia: I don’t like “name” movies. Benny and Joon, When Harry Met Sally, Victor/Victoria, Marley & Me. Bleh. Crap. All of’em. As a matter of fact, you know you’re in bad naming company when the best of your lot is Harold & Kumar. Anyway, Julie&Julia is a movie about a bored NY’er who decides to follow Julia Child’s recipes and recreate them herself. Along the way she learns surprisingly learns a lot about herself, her relationship(s) and the world around her. I’m sure if you found Eat, Pray, Love’s whiny, meandering existential Yuppie crisis fascinating, you’ll enjoy this. I find that these movies/books/etc are the female’s answer to the Matrix movies–full of hammy

GRRR ME JULIA BREAK WHIMPY CHICKEN GARRRHHH

GRRR ME JULIA BREAK WHIMPY CHICKEN GARRRHHH

philosophy and Deep Life Lessons To Think About.  Further proof that men are from Mars and women are from Venus–this woman tackles one of the world’s greatest hermaphrodite chefs’ cookbook to discover meaning, while the Supersize Me! movie was about a guy that wanted to see how many Mickey D’s fries he could eat til his rectum exploded or something.  I guess all I’m saying is “Subway. Eat Fresh.”

2. A Perfect Getaway: Originally intended to be O.J.’s book of memoirs (followed by “Juice on the Loose!” and “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”) before getting jailed for O.J.-ism in Vegas, this movie is about white people traveling to a tropical place. And if we’ve learned anything from I Know What You Did Last Summer, Christopher Columbus and Real World: Cancun it’s that these things never end well.

3. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra: stars Dennis Quaid, Brendan Fraser and Marlon Wayans. I just listed that casting in order of WTF-ness.

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Gates-ed Communities

By now you’ve heard about how after breaking into the world of Ivy institutions,  Henry Louis Gates Jr. was recently arrested for hi’s failed attempt to break into his own house.

He was quickly accosted by the local Cambridge constables who lead Gates out of his own home as he yelled “preposterous”, “fraudulent” and a host of other terms before the police clubbed him one in the neck for using “too many white people words”.

"Where's Soledad O'Brien?! Black in America! Black in America!"

"Where's Soledad O'Brien?! Black in America! Black in America!"

What’s particularly amazing about this story though isn’t that Gates was arrested at his own home….or that his BRINKS Home Security System was mistakenly switched to “Brown People Alert”…..but that the woman who called Gates in works for Harvard. As a fundraiser no less, meaning that she should’ve had a sense of who she was looking at in her own Smurfing neighborhood. Lucia Whalen (who placed the call) immediately saw Gates and his driver tugging at the door and thought, “I’ve seen this before on Tyler Perry’s House of Payne” and reached for her cell and dialed White People 911 which is only “9-1” for faster response times.

The call:

9-1 Dispatcher: “Hello this is 9-1 where white is right. How can I help you?”

Whalen: “Yes; White People Emergency? This is Lucia Whalen. I want to report two coloured men breaking into a house across the street from me.”

9-1 Dispatcher: “Ms. Whalen, can you describe what the men are wearing? Is it an NBA jersey, an NFL jersey, Barack Obama T-shirt of Michael Jackson t-shirt?”

Whalen: “No; he appears to be wearing black robes, a colorful sash around his collar and a graduate hat with tassels hanging from it. A rolled-up paper tied in a ribbon. Also, a monocle.”

9-1 Dispatcher: “Hm, interesting. Thank you Ms. Whalen, I’ll make a note that we get those clothes returned to the good white professor he stole them from.”

Whalen: “Oh thank goodness. Check with Howard Gardner first.”

9-1 Dispatcher: “Now, Ms. Whalen is it possible that either of these men actually lives in the house?”

(pause)

Ms. Whalen: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA

9-1: Leave the extra "1" for "other people"

9-1: Leave the extra "1" for "other people"

9-1 Dispatcher: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ms. Whalen: You know, for a moment there I thought–

9-1 Dispatcher: “Just having a little fun. No worries Ms. Whalen, we’re sending units over now. Just stay inside and watch Ellen. White power.”

And the rest is Anderson Cooper history. Now Gates, in a level-headed move, is now going to shoot a documentary, probably write a book and perhaps begin shooting Madea Goes to Harvard with Tyler Perry.

But maybe if he’s lucky, maybe Tyler will take him to Disney World!

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Celebrity Chit-Chat: Some like it Hayek

So I thought it might be high time for another edition of “Celebrity Chit-Chat”; the latest series getting started here at The Kids that I think most people must hate, but I really enjoy writing, so Smurf you.

Previous installments of these celebrity interviews have included the likes of Tyler “Down with Black People!” Perry and Beyonce’ “I WILL CONSUME THE UNIVERSE” Knowles.

This week, we’re sitting down with celebs that I love.

Starting with Salma Hayek.

Get your tissues ready–for whatever you might need them for.

On with the show!

The Kids Don’t Get It Celebrity Chit-Chat #3: Salma, Be Mine.

The following interview took place in Salma’s hotel after I hid in the breakfast serving cart for 20mins. Once she stopped screaming, I convinced her to do this interview.

The Kids: Thanks Salma for agreeing to do this interview and not calling hotel security. In that order.

salma_hayek_beautie

Salma ponders the deep, dark mystery that is The Kids

Salma: Not a problem, The Kids. I am happy to spend time with such a devoted entertainment journalist who has such a keen eye for celebrity profiles. Also, I’d like to add that I am sorry for repeatedly trying to get you to make love to me once you surprised me. I was overtaken by your manliness, your taut, strong frame and the deep, dark mystery between your legs.***

The Kids: No need to apologize; Tyler Perry had the same reaction. Let’s get started though. First question: Who would win in a foot-race between you and Kim Kardashian? To be fair, it’d be a slow one. In the sand. With your arms raised and bent behind your head. And pouting. I would be the “Finish Line”.

Salma: I believe it would be Kim that would win such a race.

kim-kardashian-playing-football

Exlcusive footage of Kim Kardashian training for her match vs. Salma

The Kids (scribbling in notebook): I see. What about boxing?

Salma: Perdon? Boxing? What do you mean?

The Kids: Boxing. You and Kim. Same way. Sand. Arms behind your head. Pouting. Who wins?

Salma: …..I would?

The Kids (nodding): I think so, too. Let’s move on though; I imagine that security will be here soon. Salma, recently you breast-fed a starving child in Sierra Leone.

Salma (smiling and nodding): Yes, yes I did. It was a very important thing for me to do at that moment. My Hayek’s were chalk-full of Mommy-milk at the time, so I wanted to provide that child with something it was in Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotelneed of: sustenance and screen-time.

The Kids: I know; I must’ve watched the video of it at least 12 times late one night myself. It took me at least 10 of those times to mentally blur-out the baby. Powerful stuff. Anyway, I was wondering if you’d be willing to re-enact that for my readers today. With me.

Salma: I….I think not. I think you’re a little too old for breast-feeding, don’t you?

The Kids (holding one hand up): Salma, you misunderstand me. I’m not a perv and I have far too much respect for your breasts and your talent to make such a request. No; in the re-enactment, I will play the part of Salma. You will be the baby. Salma….I want to breast-feed you. (lifts shirt)

Salma: I refuse to do anything such thing. I cannot believe you came in aqui asking me to suck on your chest. I’m afraid I could never do that. Nunca, nunca, nun

The Kids (lowering shirt for a moment): –Ms. Hayek, with all due respect: you did Wild Wild West (with Will Smith) and Fools Rush In (with Matthew Perry) . You can definitely suck sometimes. (raises shirt again)

Salma: Good point. (leans over, opens mouth)

The Kids: Here; use this ‘Burt’s Bee’s’ lip ointment.

Salma: Why? My lips  are fine.

The Kids (shrugging): I like the smell. Plus….it tingles.

(Salma applies ‘Burt’s Bees’ and climbs into The Kids’ lap)

salma-hayek-cleave

The Eyes Have It: Salma agrees to the re-enactment and prepares to move in for the 'live feed'.

The Kids: Ok, and here we go. I’m you now. Oh my, Nightline, I thank you for coming here and taping ‘Salma Feed 09’. I wanted to participate in LiveAid, but like Madonna, I do not sing, so I am doing my part here at this orphanage. Look at this under-fed brown baby. I have a baby too. I will feed it now before it is adopted by crazy white people and renamed ‘Preston’. Dio Mios baby, you look so hungry! Feed. Feed baby. (nods to Salma now, pushing man-breast close to her face) Feed.

(Salma pretends to feed for several minutes until stopping)

The Kids: Sweet Diego Rivera! And here I thought you sucked in Dogma.

Salma: I thought that I was a good script and Kevin Smith is a creative genius who didn’t run out of jokes after Mallrats so–

The Kids: Salma, I just breast-fed you. Don’t make this moment weird. (pauses) Now how about the other one? (raises shirt again)

*end of interview on account of hotel security*

***it should be noted that parts of this transcript were altered

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Now Playing Near You: G-G-G-G-Force!

Hooray! It’s Movie-Time again in America!

Time to squeeze out of your pool floaties, put down the burgers, turn off Wendy Williams (I repeat: TURN OFF WENDY WILLIAMS) and head to the nearest multi-plex!

Wendy Williams talks about the latest in movies, gossip and fur removal.

Wendy Williams talks about the latest in movies, gossip and fur removal.

As always, these are a review of movies that I will most likely* not see, nor ever care to unless I was on a plane, in prison or on a prison plane a la Con Air.

Feel free to judge me for being a snot; people felt compelled to do so when I offered up some scathing commentary here and there about the movie Bruno. Not, mind you, when I wrote about midgets, Whitney Houston, school shootings or teen pregnancy–all things incapable of defending themselves, really–but the movie Bruno. Interesting.

On to the movies!

In the Theaters:

  1. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: So, there was a mini-review of sorts when I previewed this a week or so ago, but it didn’t get a proper review last week(end), so I figured it was due for one out of fairness. I should also preface this by saying that I actually did see this movie last weekend (more on that in a moment) during opening weekend. It was disappointing. SPOILER ALERT (chill out, not really): to my surprise, the name ‘Half-Blood Prince’ does not refer to Barack Obama (give it a moment….). I thought this was a movie about the two media merchandise giants duking it out over the heart of American dollars. Turns out (hello Gamse) that it’s actually the 6th installment of the Potter series, though it was hard to tell since the director butchered 75% of the story by cutting out major parts and adding scenes that were never
    Take that, Literacy!

    Take that, Literacy!

    there. A lot of (stupid) people don’t think things like this are a big deal. Well, they are. Let’s take an example. Let’s make a bio for The Kids right now and see what effect it has. Here goes: a. born in late 70’s b. went to school from ages 5-22 c. single-handedly destroyed the Reading Rainbow d. impregnated 1/2 the Pussycat Dolls e. became a teacher f. died. That’s how Harry Potter and the Not Obama movie felt. Oh, and if you’re wondering what the incorrectly-added additional scene was in my bio–I didn’t destroy the Reading Rainbow. Alone.

  2. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs: I really try not to rag on kids’ movies–they’re the stuff of childhood and playground flashers–but any movie that employs the talents of Ray Romano (whiny and corny), John Leguizamo (whiny and corny) and Dennis Leary (whiny and corny) as its top talents is indeed stuck in the Ice Age. In much the same way the movie gathers creatures/mammals from that time, the producers assembled an equally doomed cast of ass-clowns marked for extinction. You know how else I know this? Because Queen Latifah is in it and the last good thing Queen Latifah (after the corny Chicago, Bringing Down the House and bizarre choice to do a jazz album–what fucking Queen sings jazz?)had her fingers in was Living Single. Or MC Lyte. The Land Before Time, FTW!

    "So The Kids are all like 'you're like an old Kate Hudson, which is to say 'Goldie Hawn', and I'm all like, 'Whatever!' "

    "So The Kids are all like 'you're like an old Kate Hudson, which is to say 'Goldie Hawn', and I'm all like, 'Whatever!' "

  3. The Ugly Truth: It’s another “hopeless single hot chick” movie starring Katherine Heigl. There are several ugly truths at work here. Ugly Truth #1: Heigl is now perilously close to becoming a hotter version of Kate Hudson career. That’s not good. Ugly truth #2: Gerard Butler will now have starred in the movie 300 and starred in a movie that only300 people will see.
  4. Orphan: This is the latest entry in the “if you can’t f-ck your way to your own kids, don’t get someone else’s” in the Hollywood Pantheon of Orphan Movies. Previous entries have included The Bad Seed (middle-class family takes in murderous, crazy white kid), The Problem Child series (middle-class couple takes in bratty, crazy white kid), The Bad Son (middle-class couple takes in murderous, crazy white kid) and even the latest Harry Potter movie which is basically about how one senile guy (Dumbledore) with a hard-on for white messiah boys (Harry and Voldemort) manages to “adopt” the two kids that just might Destroy the Whole orphanSmurfing World. This officially makes Mr. Drummond, Arnold and Willis the Most Successful Hollywood Orphan Adoption Family. I say all this to say that I don’t know what the fuck Orphan is about except there’s a crazy white kid with pig tails running around hacking people. And it’s called Orphan. You do the math. The movie also stars someone named “CCH Pounder” who sounds like a pornographic human growth hormone burger from McDonald’s.
  5. G-Force: We’ve talked about ‘G-Force’ before. It’s a movie about talking gerbils that serve as CIA agents or something. What’s weird is that this is one of those animal movies where the people in the movie know/understand the animals when they talk–not one of those “the audience understands but the human characters don’t”. So I don’t get this already, because if I came home and one or both my cats started talking to me I’d ask them “ok, what are your demands?”, and as they answered me, I’d be like (holding up hands): “Whoa, whoa, whoa–let’s talk about this over some drinks”. And then I’d pick my cat up, go outside and throw it into traffic. I’m hoping G-Force follows suit, though, most likely, at the first sign of danger they’ll high-tail it to Richard Gere’s rectum. Literally.

Coming Soon

  1. Aliens in the Attic: Apparently not a movie about immigration. Huh.

    Yes, Sandler needs A LOT of help these days.

    Yes, Sandler needs A LOT of help these days.

  2. Funny People: Starring Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen and Eric Bana. I’m guessing the “funny people” are the ones not getting top-billing.

*it has been brought to my attention that I have indeed seen some of the movies reviewed. F-ckers.

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Restaurant Weak: CiCi’s Pizza

I love pizza.

It’s probably my favorite food for its sheer versatility.

After this American delicacy, I'd like to invite you to make mingled race love on top of this pizza box.

After this American delicacy, I'd like to invite you to make mingled race love on top of this pizza box.

You can fold it and eat it if you’re on the go.

You can eat it with a knife and fork if you want to appear civilized.

You can use it to catch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Anyway, yes, pizza. I’ve sampled nearly every type of pizza out there, from Mom&Pop shops, to Pizza Hut, to Tombstone to those Play-Doh ones that you can make. I’ve always dreamed of opening a no-holds-barred pizza place where you can get anything you want on top (twss).

Cereal, onion rings, gummi bears, Salma Hayek–whatever your heart desired.

Well, over the last few years, someone took my idea and ran with it, and by “took my idea and ran with it” I mean, “here’s a review of CiCi’s pizza”.

Have you ever been to a CiCi’s Pizza? CiCi’s is an all-you-can-eat pizza restaurant.

Think about that for a second: all-you-can-eat-pizza.

Is that ever a good idea? What’s the max amount of pizza can you eat in one sitting? No, no, Smurf that–what’s the max amount of pizza you should eat sitting?

Whatever that number is, CiCi’s wants you to be comfortable doubling it. And then having some pasta. And then having some dessert.

It all sounds good, right? Kinda? Sorta? Maybe a wittle bit?

Well that’s what I thought too….until I went there.

teenage mutant ninja turtles pizza tmnt

These were 2 whites, a black and an asian before they came into CiCi's.

CiCi’s promises you great, buffet pizza, which is like promising people “bubbly abdominal pains and doo doo butter for the rest of the afternoon”.

Each slice that I had there was covered in grease, and not the good, tasty kind of grease that you get at Mom&Pop pizza shops; oh no, the grease at CiCi’s tastes like it was made from hobo sweat.

I ate two slices at a CiCi’s in Houston, TX years ago, and nearly immediately I felt a transformation come over me that was somewhere between “Teen Wolf” and menstruation. I turned to my companion and said, “I believe my man-water just broke”.

A CiCi’s attendant came over though, and quickly explained that what I was actually experiencing was my body under-going the CiCi’s Pizza Immune System Reassignment Process (CPISRP) and then showed me a display not unlike what you see in commercials for oils for car engines and chemicals to fix your plumbing pipes.

This is your poop chute on CiCi's Pizza. Any questions?

This is your poop chute on CiCi's Pizza. Any questions?

CiCi’s Pizza is the kind of pizza that you serve to the following people:

  • inmates
  • the homeless
  • people who have lost their sense of taste because of bug poison
  • frat boys

    CiCi's 4 Food Groups: Pizza, Maggot Pasta, Cinnabon, Green Stuff.

    CiCi's 4 Food Groups: Pizza, Maggot Pasta, Cinnabon, Green Stuff.

That’s it. That’s the list right there. Anyone else that goes there is asking for trouble. I mean, you know you’re shit pizza when fucking Boboli doesn’t fear you as any sort of competition–and you have to make Boboli yourself!

So basically, CiCi’s Pizza is like any other buffet, and anyone with 1/2 a brain will tell you that buffets are not a good way to eat. Buffets do massive quantities of things and they all taste like rat dick and cardboard.

So eat at CiCi’s Pizza at your own peril, but if you do….

….want do you want on your tombstone?

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Phases of Death

In the aftermath of MJ’s passing we’re left with a series of facts, images and gloves that are all a testament to his memory.

"No, no...cha'mon...I can't do 'that' here on stage in front of all these people....must...fight....urge...he-he"

"No, no...cha'mon...I can't do 'that' here on stage in front of all these people....must...fight....urge...he-he"

In recent polls found on AOL and YAHOO!, we see the farthest reaches of his touch on our culture:

YAHOO!’s Poll of Ape’s Most Famous Ape Relationships:

  1. Super Mario

    Mario and Luigi: The ORIGINAL Bang Bros

    Mario and Luigi: The ORIGINAL Bang Bros

  2. Charlton Heston
  3. Michael Jackson
  4. Empire State Building
  5. white people

AOL’s Poll of Famous Gloves:

  1. O.J.; former NFL great who crammed hand into leather glove, current getting squeezed as for “juice” in jail
  2. Michael Jackson; musician responsible for ‘Thriller’ and making bedazzling clothing popular
  3. Jack the Ripper; serial killer, LL Cool J song
  4. Gary Payton; former NBA great trash-talker; former NBA great PG  (Supersonics, Lakers, Miami Heat)
  5. mimes; white people in white face, forever stuck in a box

And so, MJ’s celebrity bucket list is almost fit to overflow now that he’s been an A-list celebrity, experienced 2+ failed relationships (Lisa Marie Presley; Bubbles; Macauly Culkin), attempted comeback(s), a tragic death and a memorial.

"Is that a banana in your fur or are you--that's not a banana, is it?"

"Is that a banana in your fur or are you--that's not a banana, is it?"

This means, following our Celebrity Rules of Death, that the next stop on the Jack-o World Death Tour is to follow the footsteps of other notable dead celebrities such as Elvis, Tupac and Freddie Prinze Jr. and get “sighted” around the world when we’re supposed to believe they’re actually dead.

Usually these people are seen in the most mundane places: like Elvis at the gas station and Tupac at The Gap shopping for low-rise straight fit jeans and a “Murde(red)” T-shirt.

So I can’t wait to see what happens when people start seeing MJ. I imagine he’ll appear in the following places/headlines:

  • “Man in the Mirror: MJ Caught in the Offices of Dr. 90210”
  • “Jack-o Seen at Gap Kids!”
  • “King of Pop Sighted Hiding in Ballpen at Sesame Street”
  • “Moonwalkin-Michael Snapped Touring Gummi Bear Factory; Caught Stealing”
  • “You Are Not Alone: Is that Michael Jackson Stalking (in) Lisa Marie’s Bush?”
  • “The Gloved One Lives! MJ Seen On-Stage with Black Eyed Peas” (later correctly identified as Fergie)

What’s amazing is that these things never happen to anyone else. Never to anyone, you know, normal. I mean, can you imagine if we applied dead celebrity-sightings to the real world?

Jungle Fever or Gorillas in the Kiss?: "I learned this lil' move eating ticks off my brother's back...."

Jungle Fever or Gorillas in the Kiss?: "I learned this lil' move eating ticks off my brother's back...."

“Dude, I know you’re going to think I’m crazy, but I think I just saw your dead Aunt Jackie giving wallies at the club last night. Really!”

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god….look over there, there, across the street. Isn’t that your mom over there hailing a cab? I thought she died in the KFC fire….”

Either way, I can’t wait for Phase II of the Gloved One’s Death.

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Now Playing Near You: Now in Gayface!

Whoop whoop! The weekend’s just about here! Yes!

We’re one step closer to wishing it was Friday all over again!

But you know what makes the weekend great?

It’s not the sloppy hook-ups in Ocean City (NJ or MD)…..it’s not “Pasta Night!” at the Olive Garden……it’s ocean-cityMOVIES.

Movies are America’s #1 pastime, according to a YAHOO! list of “America’s Favorite Pastimes”, just look:

  1. Movies
  2. Serving as Minutemen on the Tex-Mex border
  3. discriminating
  4. “So You Think You Can Dance”
  5. eatin’

So naturally, with Chili’s-baited breath, you’re all waiting for the latest installment of “Now Playing Near You”, the weekly rundown of movies being released this week.

Reminder: I haven’t actually seen these movies, but regardless, they’re spot-on to “read” because they’re so easy, like your aunt.

Let’s do this!

In Theaters Now:

  1. Bruno: Disclaimer #1: I have not seen Borat. Disclaimer #2: I don’t ever plan on seeing Borat. Why? Because Sasha Baron Cohen (SBC) reminds me of a foreign import of Jackass. I did not like the American version, and I doubt that I’ll like the Euro version either. Somehow people find SBC’s caricature-stereotyping (Borat…Ali G…Bruno…) ok and funny, which mystifies me. Bruno further confirms for me that “gay” is the new “black”. It used to be vogue to do black-face and run around making people laugh; apparently now it’s hot pants and a perm. It all reminds me of a kid in my middle-school science class who got laughs by crudely impersonating other people; it’s always funny so long as it’s one of the other kids. I suppose this entry has been rather joke-free. Allow me to adjust for that: “titty”. ….Let’s move on.

    bruno_sacha_baron_cohen

    Baron Cohen's failed audition for the role of "Spider-Man".

  2. I Love You Beth Cooper: Disclaimer #3: Despite being a huge comic book geek, I’ve never watched Heroes. But I HAVE gone to Philadelphia’s Comic Book Convention a year or so ago, and saw Hayden Pantene Panettierre there; she was the top-billed celebrity appearance at the ‘con. The other celebrity? Burt Ward, the original Boy Wonder from the old live-action Batman show. As I watched 20-50
    This statue was later sold at Comic Con 2009 for 1 million action figures.

    This statue was later sold at Comic Con 2009 for 1 million action figures.

    somethings line up to have the (then) 16-year-old Hayden sign their Heroes DVD’s, comic books and erections, I thought, “well things are only going to get better for her”. I was wrong. Presenting “I Love You Beth Cooper”. She plays a hot chick in H.S. that a dork wants to “comic con” before he graduates. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure that’s even the plot; the movie just looks fuggin’ stupid. HP plays an indestructible cheerleader on Heroes; let’s hope her career is as sturdy.

  3. Blood: The Last Vampire: This movie is about an Asian girl running around in a  school-girl’s uniform hunting and beheading vampires on her journey to impale the queen vampire, Onigen, who alongside of the king vampire Pentium, are going to take over Microsoft. Ok, I made that last bit up but only because the name “Onigen” sounds like something that comes installed with your DELL laptop. Anyway, this sounds like Sailor Moon meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The main character, Saya, is 1/2 vampire, 1/2 human, which means she’s got a shot to be President too. Maybe she’ll even come across Bruno…..

Coming Soon:

  1. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Half Blood Prince? Hey, the Half-Blood Prince and the Half-Human Vampire Hunter should team up together and kick Harry’s ass! I remember reading this book a couple of years ago, waiting for the moment that Harry looked around and said, “why am I not using
    Sabrina the Teenage Mom and The Father That Shall Not Be Named

    Sabrina the Teenage Mom and The Father That Shall Not Be Named

    this ‘Chosen One’ celebrity to get some sweet teenage witch-ass?”, and ending with Sabrina the Teenage Witch having contracted an unfortunate case of “Hogwarts” from Potter. Amazingly, this is still better than the ending that Rowling decided to actually give us.

  2. G-Force: This movie is about a secret agent force of talking gerbils who’s job is to protect the U.S. by using gadgets to infiltrate tight, secretive places no one else can reach. I’m guessing this screenplay was submitted under the name “Richard Gere”.

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