So, right about now, LAPD is rolling Michael Jackson’s body down the freeway, making this #3 on Yahoo’s! list of LAPD’s Most Impressive Escort Assignments:
- Rodney King
- O.J.’s slow-speed chase
- Michael Jackson’s body
….with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock ‘s (“Speed”) episode being a distant #4.
Anyway, at right about this time too, people all over the world are firing up their internets and getting fired to watch some or all of this event today.
This despite the fact that probably most of this will be spent watching the Jackson family drive down the highway while interspersing it with shots of all the freaks outside of the Staples Center in LA.
This is nothing I’d care to watch….well, no, that’s not true; The Kids would watch it if it meant that we’d at least have a camera inside the Jackson caravan, which I imagine looks something like this:
- Joe Jackson is calmly shining his brass knuckles (they spell “BEAT IT”–presumably in honor of MJ)
- Jermaine having Tito freshen up his flat-up while he hones his “creepy uncle” voice (seriously Jermaine, you’re like 58 and you sound like Hannibal Lecter-meets-Kelly Kapowski)
- Janet flashing her breasts through the tinted windows
- Katherine Jackson praying silently with rosary beads and a lock of MJ’s “hair” , breast-feeding LaToya
- Bubbles and Randy Jackson flinging feces at each other
Now that I’d watch.I was asked by E! Hollywood News to go and report there live*, but I thought I’d be better staying here in sunny Philadelphia (b/c it’s always sunny here…eh? eh?) for the following reasons:
- the memorial will take place at the Staples Center, meaning one of the attendants will be Kobe Bryant. I don’t want my ass anywhere near a possibly distraught Kobe Bryant.
- 50,000 freaks inside and outside dressed as Michael Jackson. White MJ’s, Black MJ’s, fat MJ’s, old men MJ’s, gay MJ’s, people who think they’re actually MJ MJ’s….all with chalky faces, a glove and ill-fitting leather pants.
- because Corey Feldman looks like a band member from “Jem”
- seeing MJ’s body…..not because it’ll be sad, but because it’ll just be really f-cking weird. I imagine at this point, MJ’s face will officially look like Skeletor from He-Man. You know how people joke, “it’s like I have the soul of an old asian woman” or, “it’s like there’s a gay man inside of me” because they like Broadway or something? Well I imagine MJ’s shriveled corpse is going to reveal….the 20-something MJ’s body, last seen lighting the pavement as he victory danced to The World’s Greatest Failed Pregnancy Test Song curled up inside.
- Seeing Janet with Jermaine Dupri, because the two of them together is like seeing some celeb take one of those sickly uber-rare disease kids to the amusement park. You can decide who’s who in this scenario.
- I am also convinced that MJ’s body might do something weird. You know how even after passing away, a dead body will occasionally still do something? I mean like twitch or blink; not like Jessica Simpson. Anyway, what if MJ’s is still quietly moon-walking? Or still clutching his crotch? That’d be cool for a second, but then it’d be kinda scary, so I’d start stoning it.
- When viewing time comes around, people either quietly saying “hee hee” to the corpse or trying to revive MJ with chants of “cha’mon now!”.
- all the glitter that will end up on me from people bedazzling gloves they bought from the $1 Store for this event.
- because an event that has Brooke Shields, Smokey Robinson, Beyonce’ and Mariah Carey sounds like a Scientology meeting, not a memorial service
But anyway, no, I don’t plan on watching the memorial service…..the guy sang ‘Heal the World’, he didn’t make it. I mean cha’mon; people haven’t thought about MJ until:
- he announced he was going on tour again
- got an invitation to a sleepover
But anyway, R.I.P. MJ (the “P” is for “pajamas” which is what I’m guessing he’s wearing in the coffin)!