Now Playing Near You: Now in Gayface!

Whoop whoop! The weekend’s just about here! Yes!

We’re one step closer to wishing it was Friday all over again!

But you know what makes the weekend great?

It’s not the sloppy hook-ups in Ocean City (NJ or MD)…’s not “Pasta Night!” at the Olive Garden……it’s ocean-cityMOVIES.

Movies are America’s #1 pastime, according to a YAHOO! list of “America’s Favorite Pastimes”, just look:

  1. Movies
  2. Serving as Minutemen on the Tex-Mex border
  3. discriminating
  4. “So You Think You Can Dance”
  5. eatin’

So naturally, with Chili’s-baited breath, you’re all waiting for the latest installment of “Now Playing Near You”, the weekly rundown of movies being released this week.

Reminder: I haven’t actually seen these movies, but regardless, they’re spot-on to “read” because they’re so easy, like your aunt.

Let’s do this!

In Theaters Now:

  1. Bruno: Disclaimer #1: I have not seen Borat. Disclaimer #2: I don’t ever plan on seeing Borat. Why? Because Sasha Baron Cohen (SBC) reminds me of a foreign import of Jackass. I did not like the American version, and I doubt that I’ll like the Euro version either. Somehow people find SBC’s caricature-stereotyping (Borat…Ali G…Bruno…) ok and funny, which mystifies me. Bruno further confirms for me that “gay” is the new “black”. It used to be vogue to do black-face and run around making people laugh; apparently now it’s hot pants and a perm. It all reminds me of a kid in my middle-school science class who got laughs by crudely impersonating other people; it’s always funny so long as it’s one of the other kids. I suppose this entry has been rather joke-free. Allow me to adjust for that: “titty”. ….Let’s move on.


    Baron Cohen's failed audition for the role of "Spider-Man".

  2. I Love You Beth Cooper: Disclaimer #3: Despite being a huge comic book geek, I’ve never watched Heroes. But I HAVE gone to Philadelphia’s Comic Book Convention a year or so ago, and saw Hayden Pantene Panettierre there; she was the top-billed celebrity appearance at the ‘con. The other celebrity? Burt Ward, the original Boy Wonder from the old live-action Batman show. As I watched 20-50
    This statue was later sold at Comic Con 2009 for 1 million action figures.

    This statue was later sold at Comic Con 2009 for 1 million action figures.

    somethings line up to have the (then) 16-year-old Hayden sign their Heroes DVD’s, comic books and erections, I thought, “well things are only going to get better for her”. I was wrong. Presenting “I Love You Beth Cooper”. She plays a hot chick in H.S. that a dork wants to “comic con” before he graduates. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure that’s even the plot; the movie just looks fuggin’ stupid. HP plays an indestructible cheerleader on Heroes; let’s hope her career is as sturdy.

  3. Blood: The Last Vampire: This movie is about an Asian girl running around in a  school-girl’s uniform hunting and beheading vampires on her journey to impale the queen vampire, Onigen, who alongside of the king vampire Pentium, are going to take over Microsoft. Ok, I made that last bit up but only because the name “Onigen” sounds like something that comes installed with your DELL laptop. Anyway, this sounds like Sailor Moon meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The main character, Saya, is 1/2 vampire, 1/2 human, which means she’s got a shot to be President too. Maybe she’ll even come across Bruno…..

Coming Soon:

  1. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Half Blood Prince? Hey, the Half-Blood Prince and the Half-Human Vampire Hunter should team up together and kick Harry’s ass! I remember reading this book a couple of years ago, waiting for the moment that Harry looked around and said, “why am I not using
    Sabrina the Teenage Mom and The Father That Shall Not Be Named

    Sabrina the Teenage Mom and The Father That Shall Not Be Named

    this ‘Chosen One’ celebrity to get some sweet teenage witch-ass?”, and ending with Sabrina the Teenage Witch having contracted an unfortunate case of “Hogwarts” from Potter. Amazingly, this is still better than the ending that Rowling decided to actually give us.

  2. G-Force: This movie is about a secret agent force of talking gerbils who’s job is to protect the U.S. by using gadgets to infiltrate tight, secretive places no one else can reach. I’m guessing this screenplay was submitted under the name “Richard Gere”.

1 Comment

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One response to “Now Playing Near You: Now in Gayface!

  1. bshane

    But have you seen Da Ali G Show? Now THAT shit was absolutely brilliant. You’d laugh at it. Hard.

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