Phases of Death

In the aftermath of MJ’s passing we’re left with a series of facts, images and gloves that are all a testament to his memory.

"No, no...cha'mon...I can't do 'that' here on stage in front of all these people....must...fight....urge...he-he"

"No, no...cha'mon...I can't do 'that' here on stage in front of all these people....must...fight....urge...he-he"

In recent polls found on AOL and YAHOO!, we see the farthest reaches of his touch on our culture:

YAHOO!’s Poll of Ape’s Most Famous Ape Relationships:

  1. Super Mario

    Mario and Luigi: The ORIGINAL Bang Bros

    Mario and Luigi: The ORIGINAL Bang Bros

  2. Charlton Heston
  3. Michael Jackson
  4. Empire State Building
  5. white people

AOL’s Poll of Famous Gloves:

  1. O.J.; former NFL great who crammed hand into leather glove, current getting squeezed as for “juice” in jail
  2. Michael Jackson; musician responsible for ‘Thriller’ and making bedazzling clothing popular
  3. Jack the Ripper; serial killer, LL Cool J song
  4. Gary Payton; former NBA great trash-talker; former NBA great PG  (Supersonics, Lakers, Miami Heat)
  5. mimes; white people in white face, forever stuck in a box

And so, MJ’s celebrity bucket list is almost fit to overflow now that he’s been an A-list celebrity, experienced 2+ failed relationships (Lisa Marie Presley; Bubbles; Macauly Culkin), attempted comeback(s), a tragic death and a memorial.

"Is that a banana in your fur or are you--that's not a banana, is it?"

"Is that a banana in your fur or are you--that's not a banana, is it?"

This means, following our Celebrity Rules of Death, that the next stop on the Jack-o World Death Tour is to follow the footsteps of other notable dead celebrities such as Elvis, Tupac and Freddie Prinze Jr. and get “sighted” around the world when we’re supposed to believe they’re actually dead.

Usually these people are seen in the most mundane places: like Elvis at the gas station and Tupac at The Gap shopping for low-rise straight fit jeans and a “Murde(red)” T-shirt.

So I can’t wait to see what happens when people start seeing MJ. I imagine he’ll appear in the following places/headlines:

  • “Man in the Mirror: MJ Caught in the Offices of Dr. 90210”
  • “Jack-o Seen at Gap Kids!”
  • “King of Pop Sighted Hiding in Ballpen at Sesame Street”
  • “Moonwalkin-Michael Snapped Touring Gummi Bear Factory; Caught Stealing”
  • “You Are Not Alone: Is that Michael Jackson Stalking (in) Lisa Marie’s Bush?”
  • “The Gloved One Lives! MJ Seen On-Stage with Black Eyed Peas” (later correctly identified as Fergie)

What’s amazing is that these things never happen to anyone else. Never to anyone, you know, normal. I mean, can you imagine if we applied dead celebrity-sightings to the real world?

Jungle Fever or Gorillas in the Kiss?: "I learned this lil' move eating ticks off my brother's back...."

Jungle Fever or Gorillas in the Kiss?: "I learned this lil' move eating ticks off my brother's back...."

“Dude, I know you’re going to think I’m crazy, but I think I just saw your dead Aunt Jackie giving wallies at the club last night. Really!”

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god….look over there, there, across the street. Isn’t that your mom over there hailing a cab? I thought she died in the KFC fire….”

Either way, I can’t wait for Phase II of the Gloved One’s Death.

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