Restaurant Weak: CiCi’s Pizza

I love pizza.

It’s probably my favorite food for its sheer versatility.

After this American delicacy, I'd like to invite you to make mingled race love on top of this pizza box.

After this American delicacy, I'd like to invite you to make mingled race love on top of this pizza box.

You can fold it and eat it if you’re on the go.

You can eat it with a knife and fork if you want to appear civilized.

You can use it to catch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Anyway, yes, pizza. I’ve sampled nearly every type of pizza out there, from Mom&Pop shops, to Pizza Hut, to Tombstone to those Play-Doh ones that you can make. I’ve always dreamed of opening a no-holds-barred pizza place where you can get anything you want on top (twss).

Cereal, onion rings, gummi bears, Salma Hayek–whatever your heart desired.

Well, over the last few years, someone took my idea and ran with it, and by “took my idea and ran with it” I mean, “here’s a review of CiCi’s pizza”.

Have you ever been to a CiCi’s Pizza? CiCi’s is an all-you-can-eat pizza restaurant.

Think about that for a second: all-you-can-eat-pizza.

Is that ever a good idea? What’s the max amount of pizza can you eat in one sitting? No, no, Smurf that–what’s the max amount of pizza you should eat sitting?

Whatever that number is, CiCi’s wants you to be comfortable doubling it. And then having some pasta. And then having some dessert.

It all sounds good, right? Kinda? Sorta? Maybe a wittle bit?

Well that’s what I thought too….until I went there.

teenage mutant ninja turtles pizza tmnt

These were 2 whites, a black and an asian before they came into CiCi's.

CiCi’s promises you great, buffet pizza, which is like promising people “bubbly abdominal pains and doo doo butter for the rest of the afternoon”.

Each slice that I had there was covered in grease, and not the good, tasty kind of grease that you get at Mom&Pop pizza shops; oh no, the grease at CiCi’s tastes like it was made from hobo sweat.

I ate two slices at a CiCi’s in Houston, TX years ago, and nearly immediately I felt a transformation come over me that was somewhere between “Teen Wolf” and menstruation. I turned to my companion and said, “I believe my man-water just broke”.

A CiCi’s attendant came over though, and quickly explained that what I was actually experiencing was my body under-going the CiCi’s Pizza Immune System Reassignment Process (CPISRP) and then showed me a display not unlike what you see in commercials for oils for car engines and chemicals to fix your plumbing pipes.

This is your poop chute on CiCi's Pizza. Any questions?

This is your poop chute on CiCi's Pizza. Any questions?

CiCi’s Pizza is the kind of pizza that you serve to the following people:

  • inmates
  • the homeless
  • people who have lost their sense of taste because of bug poison
  • frat boys

    CiCi's 4 Food Groups: Pizza, Maggot Pasta, Cinnabon, Green Stuff.

    CiCi's 4 Food Groups: Pizza, Maggot Pasta, Cinnabon, Green Stuff.

That’s it. That’s the list right there. Anyone else that goes there is asking for trouble. I mean, you know you’re shit pizza when fucking Boboli doesn’t fear you as any sort of competition–and you have to make Boboli yourself!

So basically, CiCi’s Pizza is like any other buffet, and anyone with 1/2 a brain will tell you that buffets are not a good way to eat. Buffets do massive quantities of things and they all taste like rat dick and cardboard.

So eat at CiCi’s Pizza at your own peril, but if you do….

….want do you want on your tombstone?

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9 Comments

Filed under Restaurant Weak

9 responses to “Restaurant Weak: CiCi’s Pizza

  1. kelly "action" jackson

    While I’ve never experienced the CPISRP, I have been informed that the CiCi’s buffet includes macaroni and cheese pizza. This both terrifies and intrigues me.

  2. Merle Robbins

    Hey sweetheart, you are seriously crazy, but i love that…. I sat in library and laughed outloud reading this, i watched commercials for Cici’s on tv wishing there was one near us, needless to say ” not wishing that anymore” thanx…. see your crazy ass soon, luv you Merle

  3. Claudia

    Great news!! They’ve opened a Cici’s in Easton, PA!! After your rave endorsement, I am definitely going to pile the family in the SUV and go for pizza this weekend. I’m sure it will be worth the hour drive!

  4. Ghaleon

    You’re on crack man, CiCi’s is godlike.

  5. bgw

    I love CiCi’s and the pizza is actually very good. Where else can you get all you can eat for like 5 bucks!?

  6. Jung Laguerre

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