Hooray! It’s Movie-Time again in America!
Time to squeeze out of your pool floaties, put down the burgers, turn off Wendy Williams (I repeat: TURN OFF WENDY WILLIAMS) and head to the nearest multi-plex!
As always, these are a review of movies that I will most likely* not see, nor ever care to unless I was on a plane, in prison or on a prison plane a la Con Air.
Feel free to judge me for being a snot; people felt compelled to do so when I offered up some scathing commentary here and there about the movie Bruno. Not, mind you, when I wrote about midgets, Whitney Houston, school shootings or teen pregnancy–all things incapable of defending themselves, really–but the movie Bruno. Interesting.
On to the movies!
In the Theaters:
- Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: So, there was a mini-review of sorts when I previewed this a week or so ago, but it didn’t get a proper review last week(end), so I figured it was due for one out of fairness. I should also preface this by saying that I actually did see this movie last weekend (more on that in a moment) during opening weekend. It was disappointing. SPOILER ALERT (chill out, not really): to my surprise, the name ‘Half-Blood Prince’ does not refer to Barack Obama (give it a moment….). I thought this was a movie about the two media merchandise giants duking it out over the heart of American dollars. Turns out (hello Gamse) that it’s actually the 6th installment of the Potter series, though it was hard to tell since the director butchered 75% of the story by cutting out major parts and adding scenes that were never
there. A lot of (stupid) people don’t think things like this are a big deal. Well, they are. Let’s take an example. Let’s make a bio for The Kids right now and see what effect it has. Here goes: a. born in late 70’s b. went to school from ages 5-22 c. single-handedly destroyed the Reading Rainbow d. impregnated 1/2 the Pussycat Dolls e. became a teacher f. died. That’s how Harry Potter and the Not Obama movie felt. Oh, and if you’re wondering what the incorrectly-added additional scene was in my bio–I didn’t destroy the Reading Rainbow. Alone.
- Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs: I really try not to rag on kids’ movies–they’re the stuff of childhood and playground flashers–but any movie that employs the talents of Ray Romano (whiny and corny), John Leguizamo (whiny and corny) and Dennis Leary (whiny and corny) as its top talents is indeed stuck in the Ice Age. In much the same way the movie gathers creatures/mammals from that time, the producers assembled an equally doomed cast of ass-clowns marked for extinction. You know how else I know this? Because Queen Latifah is in it and the last good thing Queen Latifah (after the corny Chicago, Bringing Down the House and bizarre choice to do a jazz album–what fucking Queen sings jazz?)had her fingers in was Living Single. Or MC Lyte. The Land Before Time, FTW!
- The Ugly Truth: It’s another “hopeless single hot chick” movie starring Katherine Heigl. There are several ugly truths at work here. Ugly Truth #1: Heigl is now perilously close to becoming a hotter version of Kate Hudson career. That’s not good. Ugly truth #2: Gerard Butler will now have starred in the movie 300 and starred in a movie that only300 people will see.
- Orphan: This is the latest entry in the “if you can’t f-ck your way to your own kids, don’t get someone else’s” in the Hollywood Pantheon of Orphan Movies. Previous entries have included The Bad Seed (middle-class family takes in murderous, crazy white kid), The Problem Child series (middle-class couple takes in bratty, crazy white kid), The Bad Son (middle-class couple takes in murderous, crazy white kid) and even the latest Harry Potter movie which is basically about how one senile guy (Dumbledore) with a hard-on for white messiah boys (Harry and Voldemort) manages to “adopt” the two kids that just might Destroy the Whole Smurfing World. This officially makes Mr. Drummond, Arnold and Willis the Most Successful Hollywood Orphan Adoption Family. I say all this to say that I don’t know what the fuck Orphan is about except there’s a crazy white kid with pig tails running around hacking people. And it’s called Orphan. You do the math. The movie also stars someone named “CCH Pounder” who sounds like a pornographic human growth hormone burger from McDonald’s.
- G-Force: We’ve talked about ‘G-Force’ before. It’s a movie about talking gerbils that serve as CIA agents or something. What’s weird is that this is one of those animal movies where the people in the movie know/understand the animals when they talk–not one of those “the audience understands but the human characters don’t”. So I don’t get this already, because if I came home and one or both my cats started talking to me I’d ask them “ok, what are your demands?”, and as they answered me, I’d be like (holding up hands): “Whoa, whoa, whoa–let’s talk about this over some drinks”. And then I’d pick my cat up, go outside and throw it into traffic. I’m hoping G-Force follows suit, though, most likely, at the first sign of danger they’ll high-tail it to Richard Gere’s rectum. Literally.
- Aliens in the Attic: Apparently not a movie about immigration. Huh.
- Funny People: Starring Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen and Eric Bana. I’m guessing the “funny people” are the ones not getting top-billing.
*it has been brought to my attention that I have indeed seen some of the movies reviewed. F-ckers.