So I thought it might be high time for another edition of “Celebrity Chit-Chat”; the latest series getting started here at The Kids that I think most people must hate, but I really enjoy writing, so Smurf you.
Previous installments of these celebrity interviews have included the likes of Tyler “Down with Black People!” Perry and Beyonce’ “I WILL CONSUME THE UNIVERSE” Knowles.
This week, we’re sitting down with celebs that I love.
Starting with Salma Hayek.
Get your tissues ready–for whatever you might need them for.
On with the show!
The Kids Don’t Get It Celebrity Chit-Chat #3: Salma, Be Mine.
The following interview took place in Salma’s hotel after I hid in the breakfast serving cart for 20mins. Once she stopped screaming, I convinced her to do this interview.
The Kids: Thanks Salma for agreeing to do this interview and not calling hotel security. In that order.
Salma: Not a problem, The Kids. I am happy to spend time with such a devoted entertainment journalist who has such a keen eye for celebrity profiles. Also, I’d like to add that I am sorry for repeatedly trying to get you to make love to me once you surprised me. I was overtaken by your manliness, your taut, strong frame and the deep, dark mystery between your legs.***
The Kids: No need to apologize; Tyler Perry had the same reaction. Let’s get started though. First question: Who would win in a foot-race between you and Kim Kardashian? To be fair, it’d be a slow one. In the sand. With your arms raised and bent behind your head. And pouting. I would be the “Finish Line”.
Salma: I believe it would be Kim that would win such a race.
The Kids (scribbling in notebook): I see. What about boxing?
Salma: Perdon? Boxing? What do you mean?
The Kids: Boxing. You and Kim. Same way. Sand. Arms behind your head. Pouting. Who wins?
Salma: …..I would?
The Kids (nodding): I think so, too. Let’s move on though; I imagine that security will be here soon. Salma, recently you breast-fed a starving child in Sierra Leone.
Salma (smiling and nodding): Yes, yes I did. It was a very important thing for me to do at that moment. My Hayek’s were chalk-full of Mommy-milk at the time, so I wanted to provide that child with something it was in need of: sustenance and screen-time.
The Kids: I know; I must’ve watched the video of it at least 12 times late one night myself. It took me at least 10 of those times to mentally blur-out the baby. Powerful stuff. Anyway, I was wondering if you’d be willing to re-enact that for my readers today. With me.
Salma: I….I think not. I think you’re a little too old for breast-feeding, don’t you?
The Kids (holding one hand up): Salma, you misunderstand me. I’m not a perv and I have far too much respect for your breasts and your talent to make such a request. No; in the re-enactment, I will play the part of Salma. You will be the baby. Salma….I want to breast-feed you. (lifts shirt)
Salma: I refuse to do anything such thing. I cannot believe you came in aqui asking me to suck on your chest. I’m afraid I could never do that. Nunca, nunca, nun—
The Kids (lowering shirt for a moment): –Ms. Hayek, with all due respect: you did Wild Wild West (with Will Smith) and Fools Rush In (with Matthew Perry) . You can definitely suck sometimes. (raises shirt again)
Salma: Good point. (leans over, opens mouth)
The Kids: Here; use this ‘Burt’s Bee’s’ lip ointment.
Salma: Why? My lips are fine.
The Kids (shrugging): I like the smell. Plus….it tingles.
(Salma applies ‘Burt’s Bees’ and climbs into The Kids’ lap)
The Kids: Ok, and here we go. I’m you now. ‘Oh my, Nightline, I thank you for coming here and taping ‘Salma Feed 09’. I wanted to participate in LiveAid, but like Madonna, I do not sing, so I am doing my part here at this orphanage. Look at this under-fed brown baby. I have a baby too. I will feed it now before it is adopted by crazy white people and renamed ‘Preston’. Dio Mios baby, you look so hungry! Feed. Feed baby. (nods to Salma now, pushing man-breast close to her face) Feed.
(Salma pretends to feed for several minutes until stopping)
The Kids: Sweet Diego Rivera! And here I thought you sucked in Dogma.
Salma: I thought that I was a good script and Kevin Smith is a creative genius who didn’t run out of jokes after Mallrats so–
The Kids: Salma, I just breast-fed you. Don’t make this moment weird. (pauses) Now how about the other one? (raises shirt again)
*end of interview on account of hotel security*
***it should be noted that parts of this transcript were altered