Gates-ed Communities

By now you’ve heard about how after breaking into the world of Ivy institutions,  Henry Louis Gates Jr. was recently arrested for hi’s failed attempt to break into his own house.

He was quickly accosted by the local Cambridge constables who lead Gates out of his own home as he yelled “preposterous”, “fraudulent” and a host of other terms before the police clubbed him one in the neck for using “too many white people words”.

"Where's Soledad O'Brien?! Black in America! Black in America!"

"Where's Soledad O'Brien?! Black in America! Black in America!"

What’s particularly amazing about this story though isn’t that Gates was arrested at his own home….or that his BRINKS Home Security System was mistakenly switched to “Brown People Alert”…..but that the woman who called Gates in works for Harvard. As a fundraiser no less, meaning that she should’ve had a sense of who she was looking at in her own Smurfing neighborhood. Lucia Whalen (who placed the call) immediately saw Gates and his driver tugging at the door and thought, “I’ve seen this before on Tyler Perry’s House of Payne” and reached for her cell and dialed White People 911 which is only “9-1” for faster response times.

The call:

9-1 Dispatcher: “Hello this is 9-1 where white is right. How can I help you?”

Whalen: “Yes; White People Emergency? This is Lucia Whalen. I want to report two coloured men breaking into a house across the street from me.”

9-1 Dispatcher: “Ms. Whalen, can you describe what the men are wearing? Is it an NBA jersey, an NFL jersey, Barack Obama T-shirt of Michael Jackson t-shirt?”

Whalen: “No; he appears to be wearing black robes, a colorful sash around his collar and a graduate hat with tassels hanging from it. A rolled-up paper tied in a ribbon. Also, a monocle.”

9-1 Dispatcher: “Hm, interesting. Thank you Ms. Whalen, I’ll make a note that we get those clothes returned to the good white professor he stole them from.”

Whalen: “Oh thank goodness. Check with Howard Gardner first.”

9-1 Dispatcher: “Now, Ms. Whalen is it possible that either of these men actually lives in the house?”

(pause)

Ms. Whalen: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA

9-1: Leave the extra "1" for "other people"

9-1: Leave the extra "1" for "other people"

9-1 Dispatcher: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ms. Whalen: You know, for a moment there I thought–

9-1 Dispatcher: “Just having a little fun. No worries Ms. Whalen, we’re sending units over now. Just stay inside and watch Ellen. White power.”

And the rest is Anderson Cooper history. Now Gates, in a level-headed move, is now going to shoot a documentary, probably write a book and perhaps begin shooting Madea Goes to Harvard with Tyler Perry.

But maybe if he’s lucky, maybe Tyler will take him to Disney World!

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “Gates-ed Communities

  1. Jason

    I have HQ audio of the 911 call, Moderator, If you are interested

  2. tom

    Yeah it seems the real racists in Gates-Gate is the media and its tendency to oversimplify and sensationalize stories in order to win an apathetic public away from American Idol, Spongebob Squarepants, and the current spinoff iteration of Flavor of Love.

    • The Kids

      Tom Kim! The only “Kim” I like more than Kim Kardashian. I agree; I watched a series of talking-head pundits discuss the issue and watched it quickly devolve into a discussion about Obama and his politics. I then started watching “Star Wars: The Clone Wars” –the only place where people of color aren’t automatically poor, evil, dumb, under-resourced or accosted at home (unless they’re Jedi Masters).

  3. Jason

    Police dispatch audio from the Henry Gates arrest. To go with the 911 audio.

    • The Kids

      …and this is why the internet is the greatest invention since Nintendo. Thanks for sharing both of these ‘Tube links!

  4. home security should be the first priority of everyone because we should always protect our assets*-“

  5. there are lots of cheap home security gadgets that you can buy online these days, i can find most of them from ebay **,

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