Hey-o! It’s Friday, and you know what that means:
3 hours of “What Not to Wear”! Yes! Hello Stacy and Clint!
I must admit that I have this dream of walking around the city (they shoot a lot in Philly) wearing ridiculous clothing like a bandana, a tuxedo shirt and Adidas running pants. And Crocs. Which I hate.
Or just naked with cool Kanye West-like sunglasses. Just something to make someone say, “Oh man, I gotta call What Not to Wear–and then the police”.
But alas, enough about last week, let’s talk about what you’re doing this weekend: movies!
Let’s crack open the “newspaper” and take a look at what’s coming out this weekend……remember, these are movies that I haven’t actually seen yet, so take these reviews with a grain of salt, like your penis.
Let’s do this!
Now Playing In Theaters
1. Funny People: I love Adam Sandler. I think he’s totally hilarious in his movies with the way that he breaks shit all the time, punches people randomly, constantly shouts at weird intervals….he’s like your favorite drunk Uncle. Or, a frat boy. Anyway, that sentence was originally written in 1999, roughly the last time I found anything that Sandler did to be funny. And that was in The Waterboy, a movie that when I look back on now, I realize was essentially working off the premise, “aren’t autistic kids who dream big funny?”. He is joined by Seth Rogen, another comedian who graduated from the White Boys Like Us School of Comedy. Other graduates include Will Ferrell (WBLUSoC c/o ’99), Steve Carrell (WBLUSoC ’06) and founder Greg Gumbel. Anyway, the movie is about Adam Sandler playing a dying (yay!) comedian and befriending Seth Rogen’s up-and-coming comedian character. This is another Apatow vehicle that will undoubtedly skew towards its usual characteristics: awkward dude friendship (see 40 Yr Old, Knocked Up, Superbad), with 5-10 gay/male intimacy jokes, an off-color joke delivered by a female (Leslie Mann, who I love) and a Really Sweet Message. Aaaaand done. I just made a Judd Apatow movie. And I just saved you $12.
2. Aliens in the Attic: I got all psyched to watch this preview a few weeks ago as visions of Maria Full of Grace, Under the Same Moon and The George Lopez Show danced through my head. And then it came on and I saw
that this had nothing to do with Mexicans (Maria…Grace), immigration (Moon) or drug mules (George Lopez). A missed opportunity for a great indie title about a Columbia, MD family that makes the difficult decision to hide their nanny and her kids in their attic, letting her out only when they’re hungry and when Billy and Katie need to be taken to soccer games and Back to School Night. Or, “in the quiet suburbs of Lower Merion the Clarksons can’t figure out why all the food keeps disappearing in the fridge, or why husband Bill’s “Chicago Bulls 1994 Eastern Conference Finals Champs” t-shirt is suddenly missing. Meanwhile, wife Judy watches a mysterious brown man hop into a different truck every morning outside of Wawa and daughter Stacey is suddenly…..pregnant”? Sadly, the movie’s actually about siblings who have their home invaded by tiny, violent, Earth-conquering space invaders. Starring Kevin Nealon and Tim Meadows who could also star in the sequel/spinoff Comedian Careers in the Basement.
3. The Collector: This movie’s about a recently released ex-con who agrees to break into a country club owner’s home in order to repay a debt to his ex-wife but discovers there’s a killer in the house that’s already killed the entire family. One of the movie’s headliners is a woman named “Madeline Zima”–who’s ever enjoyed a fucking Zima before? I think actor “Brock Red Bull” is playing the part of The Collector. I am now adding “Madeline Zima” to the list of “Strangest Hollywood Names” along with “CCH Pounder”.
1. Julie&Julia: I don’t like “name” movies. Benny and Joon, When Harry Met Sally, Victor/Victoria, Marley & Me. Bleh. Crap. All of’em. As a matter of fact, you know you’re in bad naming company when the best of your lot is Harold & Kumar. Anyway, Julie&Julia is a movie about a bored NY’er who decides to follow Julia Child’s recipes and recreate them herself. Along the way she learns surprisingly learns a lot about herself, her relationship(s) and the world around her. I’m sure if you found Eat, Pray, Love’s whiny, meandering existential Yuppie crisis fascinating, you’ll enjoy this. I find that these movies/books/etc are the female’s answer to the Matrix movies–full of hammy
philosophy and Deep Life Lessons To Think About. Further proof that men are from Mars and women are from Venus–this woman tackles one of the world’s greatest hermaphrodite chefs’ cookbook to discover meaning, while the Supersize Me! movie was about a guy that wanted to see how many Mickey D’s fries he could eat til his rectum exploded or something. I guess all I’m saying is “Subway. Eat Fresh.”
2. A Perfect Getaway: Originally intended to be O.J.’s book of memoirs (followed by “Juice on the Loose!” and “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”) before getting jailed for O.J.-ism in Vegas, this movie is about white people traveling to a tropical place. And if we’ve learned anything from I Know What You Did Last Summer, Christopher Columbus and Real World: Cancun it’s that these things never end well.
3. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra: stars Dennis Quaid, Brendan Fraser and Marlon Wayans. I just listed that casting in order of WTF-ness.