Monthly Archives: August 2009

Restaurant Weak: “F-ck, I got crabs!”

Hey–o!

This is the latest installment of “Restaurant Weak”, where I review the fast food chains that are making your wallets lighter and your asses bigger.

Hey, question: you ever find yourself driving around town, maybe leaving the local shopping mall and think, “Old Navy shirt? Check. New Crocs from Wal-Mart? Check. Now where can I score some garlic bread and whale fat?”.

If that’s you (and it is, come on, isn’t it?) then you undoubtedly pull over and drop anchor at Red Lobster.

And you know what? That deserves a review.

The Kids Don’t Get It Restaurant Weak Review of ‘Red Lobster’

First of all, to go to Red Lobster one must realize two things are most likely going to happen:

  1. river blindness
  2. mermaid herpes
  3. fresh-water swamp ass
red-lobster-biscuits

The secret ingredient is ground Elephant Man bones.

This is because, Red Lobster shares all their ingredients, and indeed their marketing, with Olive Garden –the other American fast-food specialty place that should require a personal injury attorney and a waiver in order to eat at it–and takes that recipe and adds things like “sea ingredients” and “salted butter” resulting in a salty-ass bread referred to as “biscuits” but more closely resembles elephantitis hands.

Even Googling Red Lobster throws up some flags. For example, one  Google search results says, “did you mean red lobster the tacky-ass restaurant, or red lobster the genital eating disease in Urban Dictionary?”. Then on there’s a listing for Red Lobster coupons.

Coupons!

Amazing, isn’t it? I mean really, what reputable restaurant offers coupons to eat there? To me, only the following things should offer coupons to encourage consumer participation/spending:

  • orphanages (“get one Black kid, get an ADDITIONAL 1/2 Black, 1/2 White Kid for FREE”)
  • Extenze
  • Hookers (“$2.00 off any ‘job with a purchase of Extenze!”)

So yes; red flag #2 is coupons.

They also get flag points for their actual website which, when you visit it sizzles. I don’t know about you, but when I think of Red Lobster, I’m thinking of–well, blogging b/c I don’t ever fuggin’ think about Red Lobster. But when I did think of it, I thought about a tacky-ass website that would have tacky-ass sound effects like seagulls cawing (?), maybe a lighthouse flashing and immigrant workers drowning as they retrieved fish from the ocean.

But no; the Lobster people instead opted for a tacky-ass website for a tacky-ass restaurant where the sound effects are…..sizzling. This would be appropriate if we were talking about:

  • Outback Steakhouse (home of the politically-incorrect Bushman’s Bread which is second on Yahoo’s Most Offensive Terms List behind “The Black Man’s Poison” and just ahead of “Republicans”)
    fergie[4]

    Fergie's fishing for some fishsticks. Say that 5x.

  • Fergie’s crotch
  • Dick Cheney’s MySpace Page

Inside the website, Red Lobster makes some delicious and irresistible promises like “we’ll make sure we cook the food healthfully” and boasts that its offerings are high in Omega-3 acids, which I think is what they use in Hydroxy Cut and KY jelly.

They also list the following warnings about eating at the Lobster:

  • Your health and safety are top priorities for Red Lobster.
  • Your money and general ignorance of fish are greater priorities for Red Lobster.
  • If you are allergic to one type of shellfish, there is a good chance you are allergic to other types of shellfish as well.
  • If you are allergic to one type of finfish, there is a good chance you are allergic to other types of finfish as well.
  • If you are allergic to bad taste, there is a good chance that this place will give you the shingles.
  • Some of our combination seafood recipes contain multiple types of high quality seafood ingredients.  Ingredients can vary due to the availability of seafood that meets our demanding specifications.  Our menus typically only list the primary ingredients in each dish.
  • Red Lobster advises you to NOT trust the Gordon’s Fisherman as he has been seen injecting his fish sticks with heroin.
  • Please note that ingredients also vary according to how often our drug mule makes it across the border.
  • Dressings and sauces can contain many different types of seafood. For example, Caesar Salad dressings and Worcestershire Sauce may contain anchovies.
  • Due to a recent lawsuit we are also required to tell you not to consume our Red Lobster “Taste It Here First!” coupons as the ink can be poisonous and may have anchovies.

    gordon

    These idiots won't know what fished 'im!

So as you can see, Red Lobster, Olive Garden and Applebee’s complete the Bermuda Triangle of Taste. By all means, feel free to patron these businesses, but wouldn’t be better to play it safe?

Support your local Bushman.

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      Celebrity-Twitters: I Love This Game!

      It’s been a looooong time since we’ve visited the land of celebrity-Twitter. We sure had some good laughs in the past though, didn’t we? What, with all the Amy Winehouse-ness hilarity, the Uncle Joe Biden craziness and good ol’ Brad “I swear I’m not really a monkey” Pitt, too.

      Well, this time The Kids are dropping in on the sports world, courtesy of the NBA.

      Have you ever wondered what’s on Lebron James’ mind (answer: nothing)? or Kobe Bryant’s (answer: whitechicksinahotelwhitechickshoteli’minlovewithshaqwhitechicksinahotelwhitechicksnahoteli)?

      Too bad. In the land of Twitter, only one NBA star reigns supreme, and that man is:

      83008110BC527_ALLSTAR_SAT

      Robinson has ball-handling skills, but struggles handling the law

      Nate Robinson!

      Don’t know who he is? Nate Robinson, at 5-foot-7, is originally one of the Doozers from Fraggle Rock. One day he picked up a basketball, caught the eye of David “Emperor Palpatine” Stern and was given a Knicks jersey. He’s spent his time on the New York Knicks being cheered in the same way crowds cheer when they bring blind or sick kids out at 1/2 time to attempt 1/2 court shots and fire-eating.

      Anyway, most recently, Nate Robinson was arrested in the NYC-area for suspended license, which is code for “DUITBCYR&BYWGA” (“driving under the influence that because you’re rich and black you won’t get arrested”).

      What happened next though, is something that’s becoming a celebrity-phenomenon in the Twitter world. It started with Lindsay Lohan’s morning Tweet of “8:45am snorting coke off of mom’s breast as i type–i love brkfst!” and most recently Brad Pitt’s mid-sex Tweet of “7:45pm Angie just asked Maddox to put down the camera and grab daddy’s butt plugs”.

      Celebs are now Tweeting at the most inappropriate times. And so, in that tradition, Nate Robinson Tweeted during his actual arrest.

      And The Kids has the transcript.

      The Kids Don’t Get It Presents: The NBA: I love this ga–DON’T TASE ME BRO!

      11:47pm: just left the club and we rollin’ out this biiiitch. headed to pancake house to talk about starring in the latest sequel to friday

      11:49pm me and boy watching 27 Dresses in my steering wheel dvd player but i have the volume low b/c  i’m desig driver 2nite.

      11:55pm at red light, crying over 27 Dresses. how can a 21st cent woman have it all in a world that still demands that she be a young sexy creature and a mature professional sophisticate that doesn’t buy into 20th century gender roles that uses traditional marriage to create her feminism? it’s unfair, yo27-dresses-poster

      12:03am still crying

      12:05am police sirens we’re getting pulled over

      12:06am eating weed b4 cop gets here

      12:07am cops just asked why me and my boy were cryin uh maybe b/c of kath heigl?

      12:08am cops askin for ID so i “accidentally” pull out my nba contract i thnk we;ll make our 1230 reserv at pancake house

      12:09am officer reading contract…says i look more like a pop warner player cop pulled over

      12:10am proving i’m a nyk-er…calling up stephon marbury on my cell….

      12:13am handed cell to officer…..steph’s yellin something to cop…

      12:15am i just been arrested …and tasered me in face….just pulled me out of my nba regulation car seat…laffing at me b/c of my shoe lifts..fck him

      12:21am tased again

      12:24am someone call spike lee plz…just peed on myself

      12:50am in cell with plax burress…..pacman jones…and bark-bark the aryan power dog…..

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      The Kids….Wants to Make Sure You Don’t Become Another Vick-tim

      bald_eagle_profile_page

      Eagles mascot reacts to Vick signing

      So, the big news burning up the NFL world has been the Philadelphia Eagles’ surprise signing of Michael Vick. While most of the league is replying with support and kind words–ESPN found at least 12 players who were willing to put their guns and strippers down long enough to offer a comment about the Vick signing–here in Philly, the public hasn’t been quite as receptive, with many people actually getting additional guns to riot the streets to celebrate the Phillies win-streak…and find time to decry Mike Vick joining the Birds.

      But in-house, at the Bird Base, the head coach Andy “It’s 11pm, do you know where your sons are?” Reid and Donovan McHurt are both thrilled with the addition, which, combined with his 1 1/2 year prison sentence, loss of wages and numerous public trials, should be enough for most people, but of course isn’t. Hence a 10000000000000000 Facebook posts about the “horror” and “disgust” and “shame” people have about the signing….and yet woefully few “status updates” about like, say, I dunno, the alarming dropout rates and poorly-educated children across the country.

      Maybe the Eagles should’ve signed Drop-out Rate as a back-up QB.

      But anyway, being that the public is what it is, particularly here in Philly, NFL Commissioner Roger Godell has placed some stipulations on Vick’s reinstatement in the league. It basically comes down to a couple of simple rules like:

      • Don’t get beers with Ray Lewis
      • Don’t accept any Evites from Pacman Jones

      But there’s a lot of work that Vick is going to have to do in order to win favor with the public again.

      "I'm Mike Vick, and I approve this message."

      "The Kids Don't Get It Michael Vick Rehabilition Program saved MY life....and it can save yours, too."

      “So, what’s a guy to do”, you ask? Well, I’m glad you did!

      Presenting “The Kids Don’t Get It Guide to Michael Vick Rehabilitation”

      • Rehab Move #1: Vick’s In Your Bathroom: What better way to reassure the crowd of soccer moms that it’s ok to like Mike Vick again? By having Vick become the official sponsor of Vick’s Vapor Rub. This makes so much sense that I’m sure it’s being worked out right now. But man, just imagine–your kid comes home from school wheezing and panting from being shot in the chest by Drop-out Rate (see, told you they should’ve signed him, now look) and you go racing for……….Vick’s Vapor Rub! It’s got Vick’s face on it, and he’s got his arms crossed and he’s wearing a generic football jersey with the number “1” on it. And he’s
        "Not now....I SAID DINNER WILL BE READY IN A BIT....Mommie's got some Vickin' to do.."

        "Not now....I SAID DINNER WILL BE READY IN A BIT....Mommie's got some Vickin' to do.."

        staring. Hard. Like he’s staring a dog down (oops). But anyway, you spray some of that shit on your sissy son’s chest, out pops the bullet, and he’s off to his room to masturbate and play XBOX faster’n you can say “Mom’s going out tonight”. But you know what? You’re not going out, because you’re looking at that sweet-smelling bottle of Vick’s….. his prison-hardened body….and you’re saying “I wonder what else this stuff can pop with a bit of rubbing”. Soccer moms won over.

      • Rehab Move #2: The Bounty Hunter, Dog: What better way for Mike Vick to redeem himself than by going into the streets and rounding up, saving and/or leashing wayward dogs? I propose a special 2-parter episode of Animal Cops: Philadelphia where Vick rides with the animal shelter crew, rounding up bitches. For example, I am about 27% certain that the dog that I came across when walking to the South Philly post office hates black people. It just ran to the edge of its leash barking and yelling things like, “Stay away from our women!” and “I hate you yet I cheer for you on all my local sports teams!” and “this Barack Obama thing changes NOTHING!” and the N-word. So, I’d like to see an episode where Vick gets dumped into S. Philly by the
        Bark-Bark corners another brother. Where is Michael Vick in our time of need?

        Bark-Bark corners another brother. Where is Michael Vick in our time of need?

        Animal Cops people armed with nothing more than one of those over-sized bee nets. And with that, the hunt for Bark-Bark the Italian Aryan Power Dog begins. If he can subdue the dog as a black man in South Philly, there’s hope for us all.

      • Rehab Move #3: Fly Like a Butterfly, Drop Like a Stone: Have Mike Vick start dog-fighting again-but this time, he’s actually fighting. He’d tour around all the underground dog fighting houses, and when someone’s dog steps into the ring for a match and they say, “WHO HERE WILL BATTLE BARK-BARK”, Vick will step out of the crowd and say “I WILL” and then Goodell will untie the leash he’s got around Vick and he’ll enter the ring. Then, as soon as the match starts, when they’re dancing around, sniffing each other’s butts and stuff, when the dog goes to throw his first punch, Goodell will give Vick the signal and Vick will take the hit, dropping to the mat. Together, they’ll spend a month watching Vick throw fights against Rottweilers, Dobermans, pit bulls and shih tzus . Every dog possible will want to get a crack at Vick’s “glass jaw”. It’ll be like Bloodsport. And he’ll lose every fight as a way of winning dogs over again. When he goes down in an epic match versus “Chauncy” the blind 3-legged poodle? Dogs will lose all interest and hatred in Vick. Dogs, won over!

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      So You Think You Can, Danza?

      In an effort to prove to the nation that the teaching profession is worthy of the respect, accolades and social acceptance that comic book nerds are finally getting, the Philadelphia School Reform Commission and School District are going to vote on something that could reshape the face of public education:

      First-year teacher Tony Danza.Danza

      Tony Danza, he of Who’s the Boss? fame is interested in starring in a reality show about the profession called, “Teach”. Danza was last seen on TV hosting his own talk show The Tony Danza Show which could have also been summed up in one word.

      Anyway, besides the ridiculousness of this idea–when asked what his favorite book was, Danza replied, “purple”–I can’t imagine that the Philly SD is going to allow something like this.

      Tony’s past jobs ended less-than-stellarly; how’s he going to control a HS classroom when he couldn’t control Mona?

      How’s he going to raise test scores, when he couldn’t even get a raise when he was scoring with Angela?

      I mean shit, his daughter was last seen practicing witchcraft with Rose McGowan.

      To boot, Danza’s going to co-teach English, though to be fair, I think that is contingent on him successfully completing his Rosetta Stone courses.

      But still, if this vote goes through and “Teach” hits the airwaves this fall, I worry that this could open the gates for a host of other celebrities to join the teaching ranks. Just imagine a school boasting the following co-teacher faculty:

      • Drama Class (“Teaching you how to meet Woody Allen and wear too-small shirts”): Scarlett Johanssen
      • Music Class (“How to bring an innovative sound, trash it, and market to the masses. With white girl accompaniment.”): Black Eyed Peas
      • Choir (“Using your breasts to get the most out of your voice”): Jessica Simpson, Katie Perry
      • Audio/Visual Club (“Pissing on people on tape”): R. Kelly
      • Home Economic/Sewing (“Learning the tricks to using needle-point”): Amy Winehouse, Bobby Brown
      • Wood Class: Peter North, Nat Turner
      • Health/Healthy Relationships (“Learning the give and take of the hits that life throws at you”): Chris Brown (NEVER 4GET)

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      Now Playing Near You: Aliens! Time Travel!…Hudgens!

      Just got paid/it’s Friday night/the party’s jumping/it’s movie night!

      Welcome back to Now Playing Near You; the (almost) weekly installment reviewing straight-to-DVD movies that somehow made it to the big screen first.

      Sneaky bum-sniffers.

      Anyway, the name of the game is reviews of movies I haven’t actually seen, but delivering it with an arrogance so self-assured these reviews feel genuine.

      If you’re new to this, you can see previous installments in the “Now Playing Near You” category on this page.

      And now, without further adieu, the movies.

      Opening This Week:

      1. District 9: District 9 is the latest movie by superstar film director Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings). It’s a movie about aliens that have already landed on Earth and settled into an isolated area of…..South Africa–a
        On the prowl for the Mandelaliens.

        You gotta fight for your right to apartheid.

        welcome Hollywood change since most aliens land in NYC. Shockingly, the Afrikaners aren’t too keen about the real estate that the aliens are inhabiting, so they start pushing them out. This movie’s original title was actuallyDistrict…of Columbia. The good news is that there’s a lot of alien-related bombing and action. The bad news? Apartheid.

      2. The Time Traveler’s Wife: It’s a movie about a guy dropping in and out of a woman’s life, essentially driving her crazy. I can think of at least 4 women who call this “my childhood”.
      3. Bandslam: It’s what marching band kids do in a group late at night when the counselors are asleep. I’m inclined to blame this on Kids Incorporated (and therefore, by extension, Fergie), but who the Smurf finds mediocre-talented
        "I kissed a girl/but I won't tell Mom/she'll say I'm like my Aunt Tom..."

        "I kissed a girl/but I won't tell Mom/she'll say I'm like my Aunt Tom..."

        kids playing music entertaining? I mean, really? This annoying group of students are enjoying their moment in the sun, thanks to High School Musical 1-50, Glee Club, Fame and To Catch A Predator. And the songs in these movies wouldn’t even make it onto a Kidz Bop—and those fuggin’ CDs fuggin’ suck. And who are these kids that do these songs? I don’t know any kid that wants to sing a “clean” version of “To the Window, To the Wall” (“I give Joe a call/and say “Yo, let’s ride to the mall”/I’ll pull up and beep beep beep beep beep….”). Granted, I made that up, but I hate those songs. I hate those kids. You know what those songs say? “I’m still breast-fed and wear footsie PJs at 14.” Bah. Fuck, I didn’t even talk about Bandslam. Bah.

      4. Ponyo: At first I saw this title and I said to myself, “sweet! someone’s making a Ginuwine movie!”. But then I saw that it’s actually an anime movie based loosely on stories like The Little Mermaid and Finding Nemo, but nothing to do with Ginuwine. And now, here I am. With my saddle. Waiting.

        Jeremy Piven as.....well, probably "Ari, only selling cars" in 'The Goods'

        Jeremy Piven as.....well, probably "Ari, only selling cars" in 'The Goods'

      5. The Goods: Jeremy Piven….Ving Rhames….James Brolin….and a movie about dirty car salesman directed by the guy that back-stabbed Dave Chappelle….nope; don’t see anything good here unfortunately. Now maybe if they sent all these guys to District 9, then, then we’d have a movie worth seeing.

      Coming Soon:

      1. Inglorious Basterds: Oh, that Tarantino; so clever and kewl! Look at that off-kilter spelling! This movie is about Brad Pitt leading a small, plucky group of Jewish soldiers on a mission to fight Nazis. What you can expect: cool, really obscure music, Brad Pitt’s monkey-face with a moustache, at least 3-8 uses of a racial slur and Tarantino coked-out in the film booth.
      2. Headless Woman: Let me tell you something; I dated one of these ‘headless’ women before, and trust me, they don’t headbang and they definitely don’t Bandslam either.

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      Cunning Linguist: “Clusterf-ck”

      As someone that’s fond of language and slang, I often find myself pondering the true history and nature of some of our most closely-held terms used in everyday life.

      So starting today, The Kids will occasionally provide a historical account of how some of our most popular slang terms came to be.

      Introducing The Kids Don’t Get It’s Catalog of Urban Nasty Terms, or C.U.N.–never mind, let’s not abbreviate that, shall we?

      Anyway, today’s first entry into, um, er, the Catalog is “clusterf-ck”.

      While only recently appearing in 21st century vernacular, the term clusterf-ck, commonly confused with the term “clusterfructis” from the Latin “clustis” which means “to hatef-ck” and the word “fructrose” which means “highly unhealthy sugary-sweet properties” as found in Coca-Cola and Perez Hilton, actually has roots in the 17th century.

      So set down your Funk & Wagnall’s, we’re taking you to school!

      The Catalog of Urban Nasty Terms Presents: Clusterf-ck

      The term clusterf-ck (n.),  typically refers to a situation that’s gone completely to shit. Its history lies in its namesake, Civil War cartographer Jebediah Cluster (born 1827).

      Born to Brutus and Abigail Cluster in White Town, GA, Jebediah was a Confederate Army cartographer in the American Civil War. A slow, dim-witted man who was known all around White Town as a gentleman who enjoyed, “drawing nekked pictures of his relatives, eating mud pies and punching in church”, Jebediah was the first man in White Town to enlist in the war.

      Confederate Army, Cartographer Jebediah Cluster: 1827-1862

      Confederate Army, Cartographer Jebediah Cluster: 1827-1862

      On a routine day out in the marketplace with his Negro sidekick Sam.i.am. (great-great-great grandfather to asshat, Will.i.am.) to find “qualitee Cluster relations with which to shew my services to render pencil skitches of their boobies and hanging bits”, Jebediah accidentally signed up to serve in the upcoming Civil War after seeing a sign that said “Random Name Drawing To Draft Men To Contest Yankee Devils“.

      Thinking this was the South vs North drawing contest he’d always dreamt about at night, Jebediah had Sam.i.am. write his name down on the list.

      It would not be the last stupid signing done by a member of the i.am. clan.

      Jebediah received news of his selection in the middle of church that Sunday. Punching his way out, he quickly made his way home to celebrate the news with his family and make his Negro slaves celebrate too.

      Weeks later Cluster showed up at Ft. Douglass with rolls and rolls of naked Cluster family drawings to enter into the contest. When he was informed that he was to be a cartographer in the South’s battle against the North, Cluster spent the next several minutes crying before accepting his fate as mapmaker for the 69th Battalion. He was soon sent out to routinely scour and detail the surrounding countryside and forests, sketching each area with maxim detail to strategically lead the 69th Battalion around any possible Yankee campgrounds.

      With his  drawing skills, he seemed a natural fit and attacked this role with tremendous zeal as seen in his recovered diary:

      ….the South has pic’d me to be mapper for the 69th battalion. I am to go to the surroundin wood and find places for their feets to walk safely. The woods and lands arund us are lush with mountainous breasts like Aunt Sarah with dense dark bush liek Cousin-Sister Margaret while nearby long, wet snaky penis rivers roar mightily like yours truly 69th mapper.”

      In February, 1862, the 69th was ordered to advance to the NW territory of Virginia. Armed with Cartographer Cluster’s maps, Gen. Pontius “Cotton King” Abnerathy led the 69th—straight into a Yankee soldier

      Sam.i.am.

      Sam.i.am.

      campground in the middle of drills training.

      What ensued was total bedlam. From the torn pages of Cotton King Abernathy’s journal:

      “….but I’ve since blamed the fire on the Negro boy sleeping nearby. It’s ok; he’s my son.

      gettys-field

      Cluster F*ck's Battle, Feb. 1862

      February 16, 1862–after several fruitless days wan’ring the forrests, we have finally reached what appeared to be ‘Weiner River’ according to Cart. Cluster’s map. We are all most weary from spending the night before telling ghost stories and wasting musket pellets to make the Sam.i.am. dance for us. As we walked along the river, we heard the sound of many men training and so sent Cart. Cluster ahead to scout. He returned with a report telling us that he told the men ahead we were tired Southern soldiers who’d spent the evening before shooting at Negroes. Cluster said upon hearing this, the men were quite eager to see us. We are walking to the camp now.

      February 16, 1862 (later that day)–just entered camp. Cluster’s lead us to Yanks! We’re outnumbered 18 to 1 with little ammo left. Damn that Soul Train line last night…. Cluster is no where to be seen…..he’s f*cked us….guns are drawn….must break for Titty Mount–“

      Sadly, this is where Gen. Abernathy’s journal ends, but accounts from “Cluster F*ck’s Battle” has the casualty tally at close to 200 on the side of the Confederate 69th. Reports state that the Confederate 69th could only be heard screaming “Cluster! f-ck! Cluster! F-CK” over the hail of bullets. Surprisingly, among the only survivor was sidekick Sam.i.am. who’d picked up a musket and joined the Yanks in the scrum.

      It would not be the last time that a member of the i.am. clan sold out.

      As for Cluster himself, proud to have lead the battalion to “kin”, he went off to the banks of Weiner River to make mudpies for the two battalions. It is believed that it was while gathering mud-batter that he found what he most likely thought were “prank silly teeth” buried in the mud.

      His body was later found along the river, its face caught in a bear trap.

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      List o’ the Week: 15 Greatest Tragedies #3-1

      Just jumping into the list? You can see the previous installments to the list (covering #’s 4-15) by visiting the “15 Greatest Hollywood Tragedies” category button. Meanwhile, while you hop into your blog-Delorian, the rest of us are moving onward and upward (or is it “downward” when you’re talking tragedies?) with the Top 3 of the 15 Greatest Tragedies list. You could also just keep scrolling down this blog page.

      Without further delay, it’s on….it’s on…it’s on….it’s on. Get the Patron, we’re finishing this jawn up!

      The Kids Don’t Get It 15 Greatest Hollywood Tragedies #3-1

      #3 Silk Stalkingssilk_stalkings-show

      Man, kids nowadays don’t know how good they have it, and yet, how bad at the same time. Proof: the internet and Silk Stalkings. The internet, home to videos, websites and ‘movies’ of people doing each other with the reckless abandon and tenderness of tasered monkeys, made a show like Silk Stalkings completely obsolete.

      Before we get any further, a brief word or 400 about Silk Stalkings. It was, first and foremost, awesome. Silk followed the seedy, sexy cases that took place in Palm Beach, Florida where everyone was murdered after banging each other. Fortunately, the series’ detectives, Chris and Rita, were always on the case (and sometimes each other!). And what cases they were too. These cops had the sweetest gigs ever, as Silk Stalkings’ writing staff created the sort of compelling, one-of-a-kind cases that’d have thousands lining up for a career in law enforcement:

      • murder at a nudist colony: Chris and Rita, we need to you to infiltrate the colony. Don’t take clothes, “no” for an answer or anything called ‘Extenze’–just find our (wo)man.
      • murder amongst suburban couples group orgy parties: Chris and Rita, we need you to go undercover as a new couple in the n’hood. Sleep with everyone–all the suspects, the mailman, the mail, the dog–just find our (wo)man
      • murder at a hedonist hotel weekend: Chris and Rita, go undercover as newlyweds, hatef-ck each other in the lobby to draw attention, then fan out, banging everyone possible. I don’t care if they’re checking-in, checking-out or turning down the blankets–just find our (wo)man

      The show was great in that formulaic way later emulated by shows like Law&Order. On Silk Stalkings the show started, without fail, either having or preparing to have sex. These scenes all involved scanty lingerie, hot wax on someone’s belly, and a knife. Instead of Law&Order’s “ripped from the headlines!” tag, Silk Stalkings was “ripped from Penthouse letters pages”. The show was ridiculous for its low production budget for extras, scenery and music–I think all their resources were shared with Bedtime Storiesa and whatever movie Shannon Tweed was shooting that lunch hour. But now, with the increased, boundless energy devoted to making every show silk-gp-shot1on TV sex-laced, gone are the coy, winking lines that I loved ‘catching’ on Silk Stalkings; you know, lines like:

      • (Chief): Rita, did you talk to the delivery man believed to be sleeping with Mrs. Obama? (Rita): Yes and I can see why she was; he looks like he knows how to deliver his packages.
      • (Chief): Chris, you’ve been gone all afternoon–I hope you were working on the Liotta case. (Chris): No worries Chief; I met with Jada, the millionaire’s lingerie model daughter. I have a feeling she’s going to keep me abreast of things for awhile.

      Awesome. But now let’s look at how those lines would be written in today’s society, where the term/idea ‘sexy’ has been replaced with the more explicit ‘fucksy’:

      • (Chief): Rita, did you talk to the delivery man believed to be sleeping with Mrs. Obama? (Rita): Yes and I can see why she was; he looks like he knows how to f*ck.
      • (Chief): Chris, you’ve been gone all afternoon–I hope you were working on the Liotta case. (Chris): No worries Chief; I met with Jada, the millionaire’s lingerie model daughter. She’s going to keep me abreast, and by that I mean she’s a double-D: Dirty and Down for Whatever. She’s also huge taters. Hell, I think she may have even killed her father herself; she muttered something like ‘I killed him Chris’–but I was busy picturing missionary-style sex with her.

      Bye-bye Silk Stalkings; you perhaps single-handedly saved the USA Network, got me through Saturday nights and spurred a wave of candle stores like Illuminations to open–only to be replaced with 80 nightly episodes of Cheaters.

      #2: Family Guy:

      I spent 1/2 the weekend trying to best sum up my feelings for a show who has 1/2 the wit of The Simpsons and 2x the vulgarity of South Park. The Family Guy is kin to movies like Transformers 1-2, American Idol and Megan Fox’s overly-done-fucksiness: loud, brash, directionless and probably diseased. It’s as one-note as you can get (thin plot, shock joke shock joke violent scene Stewie/Peter off-color joke end of episode).

      Family Guy funny? Looks like the joke's on you.

      Family Guy funny? Looks like the joke's on you.

      Somewhere, some how, Seth McFarlane got a hold of 80’s grade cocaine (last seen in the Alf writer’s room) and slipped it into a Fox Exec meeting….then one at Cartoon Network…and then a bit more to the folks at Fox (who have now consumed enough to green light another spin-off, because, you know, American Dad is hilarious).

      And then some into your TV set.

      ….and now,

      The Kids Don’t Get It 15 Greatest Hollywood Tragedies List’s # 1 Tragedy

      There were of course, many, many possible candidates for the #1 Tragedy spot–the cancellation of the Arsenio Hall Show, the continued employment of the Wayans family, Ben Stiller’s career, R. Kelly’s life–but really, honestly, there’s only one plausible entry, really. The rest of those are all freak accidents –but this tragedy, our #1 offender, is different because the story’s still being written.

      It’s been observed in the past that the state of hip-hop is under attack. I’ll let these lyrics say it for me:

      Creatively hip-hop is being destroyed….a lot of rappers really need to be unemployed…..because the topics that them talk about has got me annoyed…..The pile that’s only designed for pop charts that contradicts thought……that’s the reason we brought….it back cause honestly it lacks talent and creativity….***

      Icouldn’t agree more, and that’s why, it’s with a heavy heart, but tremendous glee, that I present Our Greatest Hollywood Tragedy:

      The Black Eyed Peas

      Hip! Funky! Fresh!

      Hip! Funky! Fresh!

      A group known for such hip-hop damning hits such as Let’s Get Retarded (sorry Jenn), My Humps, Shut-up, and most recently, Boom Boom Pow.

      In-between all this they also appeared in a Best Buy commercial, got politically-active through GAP t-shirts and Will.i.am appeared as fallen Jedi Knight in CNN’s first use of hologram technology, a meeting pitch that must’ve gone like this:

      “We need to test our new hologram technology, but we have to be careful who we choose as the first person because they’re going to appear thin and rather see-through, so we don’t want to have anyone that we’re going to want on CNN again. Any ideas?” (Wolf Blitzer, Larry King, Anderson Cooper and even f-cking Soledad chime in at once): Will.i.am.

      Their latest song, “I Got a Feeling” I assume deals with what happens after someone sleeps with Fergie, with the next single “Piss Piss Burns” uniting with “Boom Boom Pow” and “I Got a Feeling” to complete the trilogy of Songs About Banging Fergie.

      The BEPs are our greatest tragedy because Will.i.am.a.sell.out and Co. traded in creativity, identity and talent to create the sort of music that you’ll now hear at places like American Eagle, Fuddrucker’s and bars with the names “Tiki”, “River”, “Hut” or “O’ Shea’s/Milligan’s/Cooper’s” . They went from a vibrant, energetic West Coast hip-hop B-boy hip-hop group to the artists most likely to appear promoting Summer’s Eve with their music.

      Imagine if someone said to Will Smith, “hey, slow down–Fresh Prince was great and all Will, but really, acting? I mean Hollywood’s already got Omar Epps, Wesley Snipes and Cuba Gooding Jr.–those guys aren’t going anywhere! Why don’t you just go back to music?”

      You know what would’ve happened? The Black Eyed Peas, just a lot sooner, and probably under the name of “Big Momma’s Boyz” or “Jiggytown Heroes” or something else equally Will Smith-ish. And instead of former meth-head turned over-singing media whore Fergie, we’d have Debbie Gibson or Amy Grant in “Jiggytown”. Ugh. This shit hurts my penis just typing this. Constant kick to the crotch.

      I see right through you, Will.

      I see right through you, Will.

      So yes; the BEPs looked around and said, WWWSD (What Would Will Smith Do), complete with Will.i.am’s declaration, “I want to be this generation’s Baja Boys, or, worse yet, hip-pop Dave Matthews Band”. So they changed their sound from B-boy fun to Now That’s What I Call Shit 22! (boom) got Fergie (boom) and proceeded to release My Humps and The Duchess, which brought us the testicle-rending ‘London Bridge’ (pow).

      And their story’s still being written.

      ***from the song, ‘Bringing It Back’ from the Black Eyed Peas album, Bridging the Gap, (2000)

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