List o’ the Week: 15 Greatest Hollywood Tragedies #9-7

Uh-oh, looks who’s back faster’n you can say “cash for clunkers”.

The Kids and our Greatest Hollywood Tragedies (as seen by me) list!

You can read the first two installments #15-13 here and #12-10 here.

We’re sliding deep into the Top 10 now and we’re in for a doozy.

Are you ready? Are you READY?

I said DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT ORDER THE CODE RED ON THIS LIST?!

You’re Bat-damn right I did!

#’s 9-7—step up!

The Kids Don’t Get It: 15 Greatest Hollywood Tragedies List: #9-7

#9: ALF:

Promo poster for the unaired "Alf Teaches the Tanners The Shocker" episode.

Promo poster for the unaired "Alf Teaches the Tanners The Shocker" episode.

Alf, in short, was another TV Exec Coke Session from the 80’s that must’ve went something like this:

Exec 1 (sniiiiifffff): Okokokokokokokokokokokokokok. I just f-ckin’ came from taking my kid to see Police Academy 3:Back in Training, ok? Okokokokokok. So it hits me while I’m watching this movie: I need more coke. But also: New show. Fall 86 season. New show.  Alien at home. F-cking aliens.

Exec 2 (snortsnortsnortsnort): WTF; that f-cking alien’s going to eat everyone of those f-cking people in that house, man. Eat’em. Like f-cking Denny’s. There’s an alien in the corner right now waiting to eat us. Been watching him. Gonna shoot’im.

Exec 1 (nose bleeding): okokokokokokokkkokokok. He’ll eat cats! YES HE’LL F-CKING EAT F-CKING CATS. (starts convulsing)

Exec 2 (wildly swinging gun around): …..He’s on your face now. I like it. I like it. And maybe maybe maybe-just shutup alien, I f-cking see you–maybe we can get your kid to play the part.

Exec 1 (now rubbing coke onto his tongue): F-ck that kid. Sold him for more coke. We’ll get a midget. We got all we need now: alien. family. outer space. midget. Start writing season 1.

(gunshot)

And that’s how Alf was born. But not only did Alf kill it for the wild 80’s–Madame’s Place, Small Wonder, Short Circuit, Batteries Not Included, Star Search were all popular during this decade–but the show also killed a respectable career line for midgets.

I mean, they wouldn’t even hire midgets when they made The Lord of the Rings. Leaked producer notes on midget auditions for the trilogy all said the same: “butts too dumpy-looking”; “creepy fingers only look good for coloring books”; “eerily reminiscent of Alf”. And that was basic it for Midget Hollywood post-90’s: the dude from Willow, Danny Devito and Beetlejuice from The Howard Stern Show.

Fun “Definitely on Coke” Fact about Alf creator Paul Fusco:

Fusco is notoriously secretive about his character. During the show’s production, Fusco refused to acknowledge that the puppet ALF was anything other than an alien. All involved with the production were cautioned not to give away any of ALF’s secrets.”

#8: Lisa Marie Presley:

In a moment of weakness, Lisa Marie turns to KD Lang for attention.

In a moment of weakness, Lisa Marie turns to KD Lang for attention.

Rare Air Alert: Is connected to the groin of three Kings of Music (Elvis her father, and Michael Jackson, her lesbian android lover) and one King of Bad Acting (Nicholas Cage). Amazingly, she refuses to speak about her relationships with any of these men.

I can understand the first two; at the height of his binge-eating Elvis was seen biting Mickey Mouse’s face at DisneyWorld, while MJ probably insisted on Bubbles being in the room anytime they “Billie Jean”-ed. But man, if you’re Nicholas Cage you’ve got to PriscillaPresleyfeel pretty low…lower than when you shot National Treasure and then National Treasure 2: Still Not Indiana Jones.

Times like that, a girl needs to turn to her mother for guidance–unless your mom is Priscilla Presley, who starred in a movie with OJ and then decided to see who could outdo who in a Plastic Surgery Whoreface competition with Lil Kim.

Yeah, unless that.

#7: Jessica Rabbit:jessica-rabbit

When Who Framed Roger Rabbit came out in 1988, I was a 10 yr-old boy. After seeing the movie for the first time, I was a man. All thanks to Jessica Rabbit, Roger’s seductive, voluptuous cartoon wife. It must be tough to be a real woman on that set when you know you’re being outdone by No. 2 pencil lead.

But Jessica Rabbit, smokily voiced by Kathleen Turner, was seared into my eyeballs. I remember Entertainment Tonight doing a piece on the movie close to its release, and the central focus was Jessica’s character. As soon as she appeared on screen my grandfather, who is rather conservative, said, “leave the room…….and close the door….and turn out the lights.”

The next day we saw Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and then went to KB Toy Store and bought every bit of WFRR? merchandise there was from stuffed dolls to….stuffed dolls.

And at home, I quickly decided that I needed to see Every Kathleen Turner Movie Ever–until I saw that she looked more like Bugs Bunny than Jessica Rabbit.

Because of the fervor that she embarrassingly released in men across the country (coloring book sales went up 7000% during the Roger Rabbit summer), no one was ever drawn the same way again–Cheetarah was more ‘cat’ than ‘pussycat’, She-Ra was ready to castrate you at a moment’s notice and Jem was on heroin.

Granted, there was Kim Basinger’s character Holli Would in Cool World, but my boy says that like most of Warner Bros been up in that.

Jessica Rabbit left a legacy of sorts though, as she created the unique dynamic of “WTF Couple” where one partner is so ridiculously, obviously out of the league of the other partner.

For example:

  • Heidi Klum and her Unmasked Phantom of the Opera husband, Seal
  • Beckham and his “Czech prostitute” wife, Posh Spice

    Christina telegraphing what Quasi did to win her over.

    Christina telegraphing what Quasi did to win her over.

  • Michael Jordan and ex-wife Juwanna Man Juanita
  • Christina Aguilera and her husband, Quasimodo
  • Salma Hayek and anyone that’s with her

That, my friends, is a legacy. Jessica, you will be missed.

Fun sidenote: while Googling for pics of Jessica Rabbit and her “Googles”, I came across this pic of Heidi Klum dressed as Jessica Rabbit. What’s worse–marrying a Seal or a Rabbit?

Coming up next: the Top 6, with appearances by the other Williams sisters (not Serena and Venus), we cool down with some Ice, and try not to get a black eye as we make our way to #1…..

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1 Comment

Filed under 15 Greatest Hollywood Tragedies, Uncategorized

One response to “List o’ the Week: 15 Greatest Hollywood Tragedies #9-7

  1. HOLA QUE TRISTE JA JA JA

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