Oh my, my, my, chicken wings, breasts, and thighs –we’re getting close to end my friends. Our journey to this point is of mythic proportions….it’s like Sam and Frodo making it to Mordor….like Luke making it to the Deathstar…..like Billy Bob finally getting to make Halle “feel good” in Monster’s Ball….we’re near the end!
Can you feel it? I can!
#’s 6-4 are up at bat, and we’re banking on you agreeing with us that two women, separated at birth, but forever united on talentless, will make you a believer that Hollywood is a trail of sadness, tears and tragedy.
The Kids Don’t Get It 15 Greatest Hollywood Tragedies: #6-4
#6: Tyra Banks:
Watching the Tyra Show doesn’t just lower IQ, it lowers everything possible:
- Sperm count
- Hope for humanity
- Belief in black female talk-show hosts
When I saw her first show where she donned a “fat” suit and ambushed guys on blind dates by showing up in the suit and then berating them for not being into her. As I watched the “journalistic pride” in her eyes recounting each incident, I said, “they are going to have to pry this show from her fingers like David Koresh in Waco, TX”.
More amazing? Even after revealing herself to be Tyra Banks, not a single dude seemed interested in taking her out.
And they’re single!
And they’re out meeting people on blind dates!
And she’s a super model!
Not a bite. Not even a nibble.
The Chris Webber network runs deeper than you think.
Needless to say, that was a heavy episode. By the end of the show I concluded that the Tyra Banks Show could only result in getting someone killed.
And while it hasn’t gotten anyone killed yet (to include, sadly, Tyra’s career), it’s bound to happen soon. Just take a look at her upcoming topics, which all sound like email subject lines in your spam folder:
- “pregnant bunny”
- “can people guess your race?”
- “what’s up everywhere else?”
- “here’s your future face”
Gee; I wonder what Tyra’s future face would look like? Maybe…..
#5: Wendy Williams
I often find myself wondering, “if Chewbacca and Tyra were to hatef-ck each other, and that hatef-cking resulted in a baby that they had to abandon in NYC, and that baby grew mean, huge and dong-like and became a media personality with little class and even less talent, how many horse tranquilizers would it take to subdue it?”
Not sure the answer to the question, but with time I think we’ll know how much it takes to knock-out “Wendy-bacca” Williams.
Wendy Williams started her career on the radiowaves in NYC, and is the epitome of the phrase “you have a face made for radio”. She’s also Tyra’s future face if Tyra spends the next 20 years doing hardcore porn, HGH and Joe Camel impersonations after eating Ru Paul.
WW is basically the “Hulk” to Tyra’s “Bruce Banner” except the Hulk has a smaller dong.
Recently, the long-running self-proclaimed Queen of Media brought her radio show, The Wendy Williams Experience to TV in an attempt to piss black people off even more now that Flavor of Syphilis and I Love Making Mistakes New York are no longer on the air.
You know how Family Guy is a poor retread of The Simpsons and South Park? Well, the Wendy Williams TV Show is a poor retread of the Tyra show.
Wendy spends her time talking “girl talk” on her show* and conducting some of the poorest interviews I’ve ever seen. I honestly think that Helen Keller and an unmanned Muppet could do a better job.
Her presence on TV now, along with with her uncanny TYRA BANKS TO THE XXXTREME-like appearance, means that we’re not book-ended with bad TV, and the last saving graces for black female talk show hosts lie in
Whoopi “I ate my eyebrows” Goldberg and Oprah—who I can’t decide if she’s God’s cruel gift to Earth, God or Godzilla.
*please note that “girl talk” nowadays means openly talking about your coochie and making snarky comments about The Hills and Angelina Jolie.
#4 Ice Cube:
I used to always cringe at the end of every episode of The Price Is Right whenever Bob “let pop-pop touch your titty Barker Beauty” Barker implored everyone to have their pets spayed or neutered. Why, you ask?
As a member of hip-hop group N.W.A. (Nice to Women Alwayz), Ice Cube, along with Dr. Dre and Easy-E was one of the hardest, most gangster-ish guys around–largely because at the time Donald Rumsfeld was too busy trying to kill Harry Potter’s parents.
Anyway, Ice Cube went from AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted to America’s Funniest Home Videos. If you go to IMDB and look at his filmography, it’s quite compelling.
- Boyz n’ the Hood (ghetto life in CA, with bullets)
- Friday (ghetto life in CA, with weed)
- Anaconda (big-ass snake tries to eat J. Lo’s big ass)
- The Players’ Club (Ice Cube and a strip club)
So far, so good, right? Then:
- Barbershop (…..ok, ok)
- Barbershop 2: I’m Starting to Sell Out (…uh, ok….I mean…ok)
- Torque (Ice Cube rides a motorcycle, little weed seen)
- Are We There Yet? (Ice Cube babysitting….wtf?)
- Are We Done Yet? (Ice Cube renovating a house? WTF? Maybe he’s uncovering his weed stash?)
I mean this transformation was amazing…..amazing. The last time someone turned around this fast and f-cked their fan-ship was at the AVN Awards after party. I find it odd that he does these films under the name “Ice Cube” still. How do producers not read the casting call and exclaim, “ICE CUBE???? ICE CUBE wants to be in Howard the Duck 2: Right Quack at Ya!?? But that Smurf’s crazy!”
Ice Cube is perhaps the Real Life Fresh Prince of Bel-Air story.
I heard he has his radio stations pre-set buttons all tuned to NPR.
I heard he even locks his doors now when he rolls through Princeton, NJ.
I heard he was the person that called the cops on Henry Louis Gates Jr.
I heard he voted for McCain on the grounds that Barack Obama “sounded too ghetto”.
This, my friends, is a tragedy.
But not as bad as our Top 3 Greatest Tragedies. Tune in soon!