Now Playing Near You: Aliens! Time Travel!…Hudgens!

Just got paid/it’s Friday night/the party’s jumping/it’s movie night!

Welcome back to Now Playing Near You; the (almost) weekly installment reviewing straight-to-DVD movies that somehow made it to the big screen first.

Sneaky bum-sniffers.

Anyway, the name of the game is reviews of movies I haven’t actually seen, but delivering it with an arrogance so self-assured these reviews feel genuine.

If you’re new to this, you can see previous installments in the “Now Playing Near You” category on this page.

And now, without further adieu, the movies.

Opening This Week:

  1. District 9: District 9 is the latest movie by superstar film director Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings). It’s a movie about aliens that have already landed on Earth and settled into an isolated area of…..South Africa–a
    On the prowl for the Mandelaliens.

    You gotta fight for your right to apartheid.

    welcome Hollywood change since most aliens land in NYC. Shockingly, the Afrikaners aren’t too keen about the real estate that the aliens are inhabiting, so they start pushing them out. This movie’s original title was actuallyDistrict…of Columbia. The good news is that there’s a lot of alien-related bombing and action. The bad news? Apartheid.

  2. The Time Traveler’s Wife: It’s a movie about a guy dropping in and out of a woman’s life, essentially driving her crazy. I can think of at least 4 women who call this “my childhood”.
  3. Bandslam: It’s what marching band kids do in a group late at night when the counselors are asleep. I’m inclined to blame this on Kids Incorporated (and therefore, by extension, Fergie), but who the Smurf finds mediocre-talented
    "I kissed a girl/but I won't tell Mom/she'll say I'm like my Aunt Tom..."

    "I kissed a girl/but I won't tell Mom/she'll say I'm like my Aunt Tom..."

    kids playing music entertaining? I mean, really? This annoying group of students are enjoying their moment in the sun, thanks to High School Musical 1-50, Glee Club, Fame and To Catch A Predator. And the songs in these movies wouldn’t even make it onto a Kidz Bop—and those fuggin’ CDs fuggin’ suck. And who are these kids that do these songs? I don’t know any kid that wants to sing a “clean” version of “To the Window, To the Wall” (“I give Joe a call/and say “Yo, let’s ride to the mall”/I’ll pull up and beep beep beep beep beep….”). Granted, I made that up, but I hate those songs. I hate those kids. You know what those songs say? “I’m still breast-fed and wear footsie PJs at 14.” Bah. Fuck, I didn’t even talk about Bandslam. Bah.

  4. Ponyo: At first I saw this title and I said to myself, “sweet! someone’s making a Ginuwine movie!”. But then I saw that it’s actually an anime movie based loosely on stories like The Little Mermaid and Finding Nemo, but nothing to do with Ginuwine. And now, here I am. With my saddle. Waiting.

    Jeremy Piven as.....well, probably "Ari, only selling cars" in 'The Goods'

    Jeremy Piven as.....well, probably "Ari, only selling cars" in 'The Goods'

  5. The Goods: Jeremy Piven….Ving Rhames….James Brolin….and a movie about dirty car salesman directed by the guy that back-stabbed Dave Chappelle….nope; don’t see anything good here unfortunately. Now maybe if they sent all these guys to District 9, then, then we’d have a movie worth seeing.

Coming Soon:

  1. Inglorious Basterds: Oh, that Tarantino; so clever and kewl! Look at that off-kilter spelling! This movie is about Brad Pitt leading a small, plucky group of Jewish soldiers on a mission to fight Nazis. What you can expect: cool, really obscure music, Brad Pitt’s monkey-face with a moustache, at least 3-8 uses of a racial slur and Tarantino coked-out in the film booth.
  2. Headless Woman: Let me tell you something; I dated one of these ‘headless’ women before, and trust me, they don’t headbang and they definitely don’t Bandslam either.
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