So, the big news burning up the NFL world has been the Philadelphia Eagles’ surprise signing of Michael Vick. While most of the league is replying with support and kind words–ESPN found at least 12 players who were willing to put their guns and strippers down long enough to offer a comment about the Vick signing–here in Philly, the public hasn’t been quite as receptive, with many people actually getting additional guns to riot the streets to celebrate the Phillies win-streak…and find time to decry Mike Vick joining the Birds.
But in-house, at the Bird Base, the head coach Andy “It’s 11pm, do you know where your sons are?” Reid and Donovan McHurt are both thrilled with the addition, which, combined with his 1 1/2 year prison sentence, loss of wages and numerous public trials, should be enough for most people, but of course isn’t. Hence a 10000000000000000 Facebook posts about the “horror” and “disgust” and “shame” people have about the signing….and yet woefully few “status updates” about like, say, I dunno, the alarming dropout rates and poorly-educated children across the country.
Maybe the Eagles should’ve signed Drop-out Rate as a back-up QB.
But anyway, being that the public is what it is, particularly here in Philly, NFL Commissioner Roger Godell has placed some stipulations on Vick’s reinstatement in the league. It basically comes down to a couple of simple rules like:
- Don’t get beers with Ray Lewis
- Don’t accept any Evites from Pacman Jones
But there’s a lot of work that Vick is going to have to do in order to win favor with the public again.
“So, what’s a guy to do”, you ask? Well, I’m glad you did!
Presenting “The Kids Don’t Get It Guide to Michael Vick Rehabilitation”
- Rehab Move #1: Vick’s In Your Bathroom: What better way to reassure the crowd of soccer moms that it’s ok to like Mike Vick again? By having Vick become the official sponsor of Vick’s Vapor Rub. This makes so much sense that I’m sure it’s being worked out right now. But man, just imagine–your kid comes home from school wheezing and panting from being shot in the chest by Drop-out Rate (see, told you they should’ve signed him, now look) and you go racing for……….Vick’s Vapor Rub! It’s got Vick’s face on it, and he’s got his arms crossed and he’s wearing a generic football jersey with the number “1” on it. And he’s
staring. Hard. Like he’s staring a dog down (oops). But anyway, you spray some of that shit on your sissy son’s chest, out pops the bullet, and he’s off to his room to masturbate and play XBOX faster’n you can say “Mom’s going out tonight”. But you know what? You’re not going out, because you’re looking at that sweet-smelling bottle of Vick’s….. his prison-hardened body….and you’re saying “I wonder what else this stuff can pop with a bit of rubbing”. Soccer moms won over.
- Rehab Move #2: The Bounty Hunter, Dog: What better way for Mike Vick to redeem himself than by going into the streets and rounding up, saving and/or leashing wayward dogs? I propose a special 2-parter episode of Animal Cops: Philadelphia where Vick rides with the animal shelter crew, rounding up bitches. For example, I am about 27% certain that the dog that I came across when walking to the South Philly post office hates black people. It just ran to the edge of its leash barking and yelling things like, “Stay away from our women!” and “I hate you yet I cheer for you on all my local sports teams!” and “this Barack Obama thing changes NOTHING!” and the N-word. So, I’d like to see an episode where Vick gets dumped into S. Philly by the
Animal Cops people armed with nothing more than one of those over-sized bee nets. And with that, the hunt for Bark-Bark the Italian Aryan Power Dog begins. If he can subdue the dog as a black man in South Philly, there’s hope for us all.
- Rehab Move #3: Fly Like a Butterfly, Drop Like a Stone: Have Mike Vick start dog-fighting again-but this time, he’s actually fighting. He’d tour around all the underground dog fighting houses, and when someone’s dog steps into the ring for a match and they say, “WHO HERE WILL BATTLE BARK-BARK”, Vick will step out of the crowd and say “I WILL” and then Goodell will untie the leash he’s got around Vick and he’ll enter the ring. Then, as soon as the match starts, when they’re dancing around, sniffing each other’s butts and stuff, when the dog goes to throw his first punch, Goodell will give Vick the signal and Vick will take the hit, dropping to the mat. Together, they’ll spend a month watching Vick throw fights against Rottweilers, Dobermans, pit bulls and shih tzus . Every dog possible will want to get a crack at Vick’s “glass jaw”. It’ll be like Bloodsport. And he’ll lose every fight as a way of winning dogs over again. When he goes down in an epic match versus “Chauncy” the blind 3-legged poodle? Dogs will lose all interest and hatred in Vick. Dogs, won over!