Restaurant Weak: “F-ck, I got crabs!”


This is the latest installment of “Restaurant Weak”, where I review the fast food chains that are making your wallets lighter and your asses bigger.

Hey, question: you ever find yourself driving around town, maybe leaving the local shopping mall and think, “Old Navy shirt? Check. New Crocs from Wal-Mart? Check. Now where can I score some garlic bread and whale fat?”.

If that’s you (and it is, come on, isn’t it?) then you undoubtedly pull over and drop anchor at Red Lobster.

And you know what? That deserves a review.

The Kids Don’t Get It Restaurant Weak Review of ‘Red Lobster’

First of all, to go to Red Lobster one must realize two things are most likely going to happen:

  1. river blindness
  2. mermaid herpes
  3. fresh-water swamp ass

The secret ingredient is ground Elephant Man bones.

This is because, Red Lobster shares all their ingredients, and indeed their marketing, with Olive Garden –the other American fast-food specialty place that should require a personal injury attorney and a waiver in order to eat at it–and takes that recipe and adds things like “sea ingredients” and “salted butter” resulting in a salty-ass bread referred to as “biscuits” but more closely resembles elephantitis hands.

Even Googling Red Lobster throws up some flags. For example, one  Google search results says, “did you mean red lobster the tacky-ass restaurant, or red lobster the genital eating disease in Urban Dictionary?”. Then on there’s a listing for Red Lobster coupons.


Amazing, isn’t it? I mean really, what reputable restaurant offers coupons to eat there? To me, only the following things should offer coupons to encourage consumer participation/spending:

  • orphanages (“get one Black kid, get an ADDITIONAL 1/2 Black, 1/2 White Kid for FREE”)
  • Extenze
  • Hookers (“$2.00 off any ‘job with a purchase of Extenze!”)

So yes; red flag #2 is coupons.

They also get flag points for their actual website which, when you visit it sizzles. I don’t know about you, but when I think of Red Lobster, I’m thinking of–well, blogging b/c I don’t ever fuggin’ think about Red Lobster. But when I did think of it, I thought about a tacky-ass website that would have tacky-ass sound effects like seagulls cawing (?), maybe a lighthouse flashing and immigrant workers drowning as they retrieved fish from the ocean.

But no; the Lobster people instead opted for a tacky-ass website for a tacky-ass restaurant where the sound effects are…..sizzling. This would be appropriate if we were talking about:

  • Outback Steakhouse (home of the politically-incorrect Bushman’s Bread which is second on Yahoo’s Most Offensive Terms List behind “The Black Man’s Poison” and just ahead of “Republicans”)

    Fergie's fishing for some fishsticks. Say that 5x.

  • Fergie’s crotch
  • Dick Cheney’s MySpace Page

Inside the website, Red Lobster makes some delicious and irresistible promises like “we’ll make sure we cook the food healthfully” and boasts that its offerings are high in Omega-3 acids, which I think is what they use in Hydroxy Cut and KY jelly.

They also list the following warnings about eating at the Lobster:

  • Your health and safety are top priorities for Red Lobster.
  • Your money and general ignorance of fish are greater priorities for Red Lobster.
  • If you are allergic to one type of shellfish, there is a good chance you are allergic to other types of shellfish as well.
  • If you are allergic to one type of finfish, there is a good chance you are allergic to other types of finfish as well.
  • If you are allergic to bad taste, there is a good chance that this place will give you the shingles.
  • Some of our combination seafood recipes contain multiple types of high quality seafood ingredients.  Ingredients can vary due to the availability of seafood that meets our demanding specifications.  Our menus typically only list the primary ingredients in each dish.
  • Red Lobster advises you to NOT trust the Gordon’s Fisherman as he has been seen injecting his fish sticks with heroin.
  • Please note that ingredients also vary according to how often our drug mule makes it across the border.
  • Dressings and sauces can contain many different types of seafood. For example, Caesar Salad dressings and Worcestershire Sauce may contain anchovies.
  • Due to a recent lawsuit we are also required to tell you not to consume our Red Lobster “Taste It Here First!” coupons as the ink can be poisonous and may have anchovies.


    These idiots won't know what fished 'im!

So as you can see, Red Lobster, Olive Garden and Applebee’s complete the Bermuda Triangle of Taste. By all means, feel free to patron these businesses, but wouldn’t be better to play it safe?

Support your local Bushman.



      Filed under Restaurant Weak

      2 responses to “Restaurant Weak: “F-ck, I got crabs!”

      1. kittikins

        I don’t care if those biscuits are made of dead babies and cat poop, they’re delicious.

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