The X-Mouse

First Madea came to Disneyworld, and now Spider-man’s coming.

In the biggest entertainment news this week, Mickey Mouse bought Spider-man for $4 billion dollars. This was stunning for most of the comic book and Hollywood world; even more surprising was that Disney made the payment with 3/4 of this money:

2009 $5 Disney DollarsAnyway, once it was announced, fan reaction on the streets outside of Marvel Headquarters:was wild:

rioting

Witnessing this, many geeks minimized their porn sites for a moment to comment all over message boards about the insanity of this business move. A look at some of their comments:

  • “they are going to totally ruin the x-men now”–batman34696940285
  • so who would win in a fight between chip n’ dale vs the hulk? it’d be chip n’ dale right because they could bit his ankles down til he fell over and then crawl into his anus and destroy him from the inside. i saw them do
    Under the new regime, the Black Panther can expect to get heavily white-washed.

    Under the new regime, the Black Panther can expect to get heavily white-washed.

    that to a robot once on rescue rangers. also, i’ve tried it.”–doctordoomdoompow

  • sweet! maybe we can get some good animated movies”–therealwolverine3456678990
  • “click here to see naked pictures of tinker bell and storm in hot fairy-on-girl action”***–thekidsdontgetit spider-fan69

***link no longer works.

Back at the Mouse House though, where they are quite familiar with such reactions from previous entertainment acquisitions (like ESPN, ABC and your mother), Disney took measures to discourage similar protests outside of the House of Mouse:

rioting-polish-polices-mickey-mouse-uniform-picture4

AmazingSpider-Man123

"F*ck you, Web-head--I work for the Mouse now!"

And so, as with any business merger/acquisition, changes will undoubtedly be made in an attempt to bring the Marvel brand up to Disney-level quality.

Through my vast Hollywood network, I was able to get some secret files regarding Disney’s plans for Marvel studios.

I also have pics of Bea Arthur, Kelly Ripa and Regis Philbin 3-way, but I’ll save those for annual Happy Holidays cards.

Here are the document’s contents:

  • Make all existing non-white characters white. Black Panther? Now “White Kitty”.
  • Kill Spider-man, replace with Hannah Montana.
  • The X-Men, will now be a traveling band of socially mobile, incredibly attractive HS misfits on a quest to denounce consensual dry-humping and promote the Disney Store.
  • The Fantastic Four will now refer to Zac Ephron, Ashley Tisdale, Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens
  • Bury Marvel Comics founder Stan Lee alive with Walt Disney’s body in the secret “I, Robot” labs inside the Epcot ball.
  • Kill Captain America, replace with Hannah Montana.
  • All comic sound effects (“BOOM” “POW” “ZAP”) will be replaced with the phrase, “THAT’S SO RAVEN!”
  • Kill Iron Man, replace with Hannah Montana.

In the end, Disney’s appropriation of Marvel comics will have all the magic of Fantasia (that is to say, an acid trip with brooms and bubbles) with the silent, marauding Spanglish Bardem blood-lust of No Country for Old Men (produced by Miramax, a division of Disney).

Understandably, publicly Disney CEO Roger Iger denies any of these plans. However he did say the following thing which gives me hope:

“We are excited about the prospect of getting involved in Marvel’s film division, particularly after seeing such shitshows like Fantastic Four. I personally can’t wait to get the original film and take a giant Tinkerbell on it. So act fast, folks; it’s your last chance to see Jessica Alba before she goes into the Disney Vault!”

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