Well, after a brief blissful hiatus, The Kids has returned with more bang for your movie buck.
After a laborious Labor Day weekend, and swinging deep into the week now, we’re closing in on the weekend, which can mean only one thing:
As always, the following are reviews of movies that I wouldn’t pay to see if my healthcare depended on it (YOU LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!), but I’m reviewing them for you anyway with the hopes that you’ll avoid dropping your dime on some Hollywood slime.
This week, we’re starting with the movies coming soon and then the movies that are actually in the theaters now–it’s sort of like when you actually go to the movies and see the trailers first, plus, it allows me to unload on my favorite target, Tyler Perry.
Of course you are, you fuggin’ cute little porker you.
Let’s do this.
In Theatres Now:
- I Can Do Bad All By Myself: The only Google search that returns with the suggestion “did you mean black minstrel show?”. Taraji P. Henson has officially fallen into the Tyler Perry Zone. The TPZ is a place where once-thought-of rising stars and potential Hollywood A-listers go to die in a blaze of stereotypes. Other noteworthy inhabitants of the TPZ include Kathy Bates (who is now learning new meanings to the word Misery), Janet Jackson (who has now sold her titty and her soul in order to get more work), Sanaa Lathan (oh Love & Basketball we hardly knew ye) and Blair Underwood who is glad to be doing anything not Brequiring him to peddle “Soul Glo”. I’m guessing that the clock is only ticking before we see the following get pulled into the TPZ: Eriq LaSalle. Omar Epps. Vivica A. HoFox. The entire cast of Girlfriends. And my special “wildcard” pick: Chris Rock. Meanwhile, a solid bet is that Tyler Perry himself will appear in the movie–to date, he’s slated to appear in 9 of his 10 movies making him a sorta low-low-low-low-low-shank-you-on-the-street-while-you’re-checking-your-mail-rent Alfred Hitchcock. As a matter of fact, because of this feat, I am going to dub Tyler Perry “Alfred Blackcock”. I Can Do
Bad All By Myself opens on 9/11, making it the second worse tragedy to happen to the States on that day. This is the only time you’ll hear me say this: Please don’t support Blackcock.
- Sorority Row: Rumer Willis, daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, stars in a movie about sorority chicks who mistakenly kill one of their own during a prank that goes wrong. Around graduation time though, a “mysterious killer” (jungle juice? grades? integration?) shows up and starts picking the girls off one-by-one. There’s no way that this movie can be better than Sorority House 5: I Sukka Dikka, so why even bother seeing it? I’ll refrain from making too many jokes about the lives of sorority girls–that’s what STD clinics are for–but rumor has it that Rumer’s career isn’t off to a great start. Isn’t there someone in Hollywood interested in making Striptease 2: Dicktease? Pfft, she’s probably better off signing up for Sorority House 6–time to start spreading some Rumer all over town! It worked for her mom, at least.
- Whiteout: At first I was convinced that Tyler Perry had released two movies in the same week–quite possible after hearing him say on Regis & Kelly I-Hate-My-Children Show that it took him only 21 days and one movie studio set to shoot I Can Do Bad. Then I thought that someone had already made a movie about Whitney Houston. Interestingly though, the movie is instead about Kate Beckinsale and a group of investigators sent to uncover the mystery of a body found hidden in the blinding, snowy, icy tundra of Antartica. Naturally, this leads to uncovering an even greater mystery, though I’m guessing that doesn’t involve ones like “why do white people enjoy the outdoors so much?”. I think it’s safe to say that Beckinsale will survive this, just as I think it’s probably safe to say that co-star Columbus Short will most likely not survive this. Maybe if this was called Blackout I’d give him a sporting chance.
- Beyond A Reasonable Doubt: No one plays “smug rich, powerful white guy” like Michael Douglas. From Wall Street, to The Game to War of the Roses, Douglas has shown that when you need a white guy with a face that seems so rich and powerful you want to punch it (…and yes, make love to it, too…wait, what), he’s the one to call. If they ever make an Enron movie, they’d better cast him. Hell if they ever make a “America’s History” movie, they’d better cast him then, too. Shit, if they made a Monopoly movie, I want only him to be the guy dancing on Community Chest and teabagging Columbus Short outside of Marvin Gardens. Anyway, Douglas plays a rich powerful, corrupt lawyer who yada yada yada–this guy’s banging Catherine T-Mobile Jones—that seems like grounds for beyond a reasonable doubt.
In Theaters Now:
- All About Steve: Sandra Bullock once played the roles that helped usher the women’s movement in Hollywood along a pace or two: she was adventurous and feisty in Speed 1-2, she made single moms seem capable of more than whoredom and welfare in Hope Floats and gave the sort of no-nonsense pizzazz usually reserved for Hollywood lesbians in Miss Congeniality 1-2 and 2 Weeks Notice. And now? Now she’s playing a deranged, stalker following Bradley Cooper after he’s had his Hangover and one-night stand with Bullock. He of course gets to look like the sensible, befuddled one, while Bullock spends the movie looking like she’s in need of penicillin to cure the syphilis that’s eaten her sanity (there’s an app for that). Welcome to Katherine Heigl Land, Bullock. Kate Hudson will show you to your seat.
- The Final Destination: Much like the movie to follow this review, why pretend like this isn’t like the 14th sequel to a long-dead franchise? As a matter of fact, I wish we’d adopt this in real life: why is every new partner referred to as merely “girlfriend/boyfriend” instead of the more accurate “girlfriend 16: this one’s bitch crazy” or “boyfriend 7: he’s sorta small in the pants, but he listens when I talk”. Much like the movies, I think this would inform me on how seriously to take my friend’s new partners; the first 2-3, I’m still interested and invested, but after 5-6, you’re just f-cking to keep from being cold at night. Anyway, by my count, I think this is like the 5th Final Destination movie with the same tried and true formula of Kill Teenagers At Random Moments in Gruesome Fashion. If they maybe shot Glee this way, I’d be interested in watching it.
- Halloween II:…….really? Really? Halloween II? In what reality is this only the second Halloween movie?! Mike Meyers is just like the real life Mike Meyers–neither knows when to quit, they’re both pasty-faced freaks, and they both have less talent that Jamie Lee “Dong Surprise” Curtis. Sweet Nietzsche I just saw that Margot Kidder (Lois Lane) is in this movie!
- Extracted: The creator of the severely-overrated Office Space (not to mention King of the Hill) and the lead cast member of the no-longer- underrated Arrested Development join forces to create a movie sure to appear in your local CVS’ “movie bin” in about 4-6 weeks. I’d tell you more about the movie, but with co-stars like Gene Simmons, Ben Afflack! Affleck and Kristen Wiig in it, I probably don’t need to.