Shaken, Not Stirred

Of the many, many bizarre things that I heard about this week–a week that included somehow more news about Michael Jackson, a week where people protested the POTUS imploring kids to stay in school and “remember that Big Barack is watching you”, a week where a Republican politician acted like he was at Showtime at the Apollo–the most bizarre thing had to be waking up in my hotel bed the other morning and seeing the following go by on CNN ticker when I turned on the TV:

NFL player Shawne Merriman chokes reality star Tila Tequila in his home

WTF?

Tila Tequila is a reality star?

Now proudly tracks-free for 6 hrs and counting!

Now proudly tracks-free for 6 hrs and counting!

If being a drunken bi-curious tramp makes one a star, then I know about 14 chicks from college that are up for the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

I kid, I kid (kinda).

Anyway, Tila Tequila–probably the only person that can describe what syphilis tastes like– was for some reason visiting Shawne “No, I’m not Sinbad’s brother” Merriman’s house. And by ‘some reason’ I of course mean reasons rhyming with the words “hex”, “brugs” and “hoop hex on brugs”.

But still, I can’t possibly imagine what would compel Shawne Merriman to do the following:

  1. invite Tequila into his home. Like a vampire, this is the only way that a Tequila can enter your domicile–invitation only. Why risk it, Shawne? Haven’t we learned anything from Mike Vick? Bitches only get you in trouble. Again, I kid, I kid.
  2. touch Tila Tequila. This is because doing so would undoubtedly make one positive for something: coke, chlamydia, steroids. Why risk your contract? Haven’t we learned anything from Mike Vi–wait, used that joke already.
  3. choke Tila Tequila. I mean, Tila Tequila is already in your house. On those grounds alone, you’ve shown you’ve got poor judgment. I imagine TT comes into any place she’s visiting in the same fashion: walks in, pisses on the carpet, tongues the nearest mom/girlfriend/pet and then proceeds to plop on the couch and pleasure herself to episodes of Top Chef. In that order. Merriman and his posse probably found the first couple of things kinda cool and funny (“yeah mom, get it! you in the nfl now, baby!”) but then–what happened to make him snap? Did TT inadvertently kick and break one of his XBOX 360 controllers? Were they hatef*cking when she suddenly said “Come on, Shawne–Ray
    One day, Tila.

    One day, Tila.

    Lewis stabs better than you!” in front of his boys (and mom)? Did she laugh at his demo tracks for his unreleased rap album  Plaxico Burress and Shawne Merriman Productions Presents: Who Shot Ya? ? I imagine one of the above went down, and then, dayworker landscaper Latrelle Sprewell walks in right when TT is trying to leave and says, “hey boss, choke her!”. And then it’s on. It’s on. It’s on. It’s on. Get the Patron.

    YES SHE DESERVED TO BE CHOKED AND I HOPE SHE BURNS IN HELL

    YES SHE DESERVED TO BE CHOKED AND I HOPE SHE BURNS IN HELL

  4. offer the explanation: “well she was drunk and her name is ‘Tequila’. WTF? I mean really, WTF? First of all, what sort of Smurfed-up health class did Merriman take the 3rd time in 8th grade that says, “when out with bi-sexual peers that appear to be intoxicated, take their keys, give them a glass of water, and then choke the ho. Repeat.”  I’d like to see the Budweiser commercial that ends with “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk. Or breathe.” All this on the basis that her name’s ‘Tequila’. I hate to see how he handles an emergency situation with anyone with the name ‘Johnson’ (“Her last name’s Johnson–I banged her”), ‘Pott’ (“Her last name’s Potts–I smoked her”) or ‘Gay’ (“His last name’s Gay–I banged him…and then I hated myself so I called up Johnson”).

Regardless, there’s no good ending to such a story when it’s basically reduced to the classic “he said, she herpes” bit. Roger Goodell, who’s already had to institute a “no Twitter-ing during games” policy, a “1 more strike with you driving and killing people when you’re stoned and you’re out of the league” policy and a “if you taser dogs, you’d better talk at local schools afterwards” policy, will now have to implement yet another in the form of the “stay away from all sorts of tequila–Cuervo or Tila included” policy.

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