Now Playing Near You:Love Happens in Jennifer’s Body

Oops.

Looks like Friday passed without a slate of movie reviews for everyone.

Freaky Friday!

Doubtless, you all spent the weekend wandering the streets like so much Lindsay Lohan.

That’s my fault, kids. Total mea culpa.

So, The Kids is doling out a Thursday edition for you kids that’s bridging last week and this week in releases and whatnot. Hopefully this will get us all back on track for next week’s upcoming movies.

I didn’t see the following movies, but you might have.

Now Playing In Theaters:

  1. Love Happens: You know how some people get dumped by the person they’re convinced was The One, and as a result, never recover? And then they spend all their time talking and acting like “Oh my god, that just gave me this whole 2nd chance at life” sort of kick, so sometimes love happens with a pasty-faced pop stars, sometimes love happens with Vince “I look like a roofie dealer” Vaughn and all the while getting that crazy glint in the eye that sometimes means someone’s going home with her or someone’s going to get stabbed? Yeah, well……………………………..Jennifer Anniston has a new movie out. And co-star Aaron Eckhart is either getting taser or ‘tang outta this.

    Anniston: "Do you mind if I call you "Phoebe" tonight?"

  2. Jennifer’s Body: The Craigs’ reconciliation faces its first test; Drs. Auschlander and Gideon struggle together to save St. Eligius when Weigert decides to get out; Novino pushes Morrison to decide between her and Joanne; Griffin places his future in God’s hands; Ehrlich returns from his odyssey; and Fiscus’ last E.R. patient is a lady from the opera…But is it really over? The jaw-dropping climax culminates in a blue-collared dad placing his young autistic son Tommy Westphall’s miniature St. Eligius snow globe on the living room TV set, having summoned him to dinner. “St. Elsewhere’s” entire six-year saga had all been a figment of little Tommy’s imagination!
  3. Pandorum: A movie about Dennis Quaid waking up in outer space confused about who he is anymore or why he’s there. I’m guessing the same thing happened to Quaid when he woke up at some point on the set of a movie called Pandorum.
  4. Surrogates: Bruce Willis stars in a movie that takes place in the “near” future where people have access to robotics technology that allows them to control better looking, more fit versions of themselves. I’m guessing Wendy Williams’ robot looks like Shaq and Fergie’s robot looks like that kid from the movie Mask. Anyway, Willis’ character investigates a mysterious murder of a college student that helped the scientist that created these robots. F-ck it hurts to write three sentences about some of these movies–how does someone write an entire script? Plus, another addition to the Hollywood Names List: Rosamund Pike, which sounds like some hicktown highway exit in Western Maryland. Hey, Willis read Surrogates, you know what script was underneath it? Pandorum. And speaking of scripts,you’re probably confused by the Jennifer’s Body entry two spots up. Allow me to explain. It’s a movie about Megan Fox as a gorgeous high school girl possessed by a demon. Needless to say, an episode guide from Season 6 of St. Elsewhere was a better service to you all. Sadly Jennifer’s Body has nothing to do with Love-Hewitt, Lopez, Connelly or even Anniston for that matter.

    Type of line you'll hear in 'Surrogates': People are meant to LIVE life, not CONTROL it!

  5. Fame: Oy. Between this, Glee and America’s Got Talent, middle-class obnoxious geeks are having their day in the sun (and yes, I’ve lumped all those groups together). There is no greater hell for me than to imagine spending a day with kids who thrive in such environments. These are the people that go on to do things like Kids Songz, Disney channel movies and ticket sales at Loews movie theaters. This week’s entire slate of movies is really a showcase of Your Hollywood Career As You Knew It Is Officially Over actors. First we had Anniston, then Quaid, then Willis and now the instructors in the movie Fame. Take a look: Kelsey Grammar, Megan Mullally, Bebe Neuwirth and Charles S. Dutton. Toss in Debbie Allen and you’ve got 5 actors that would get more respect if they were seen dancing for change on the NYC subway. I couldn’t even search or attach a picture to this entry for fear that I’d see it and be compelled to punch my screen at some point. You want to know what fame is, kids, real fame? Waking up in space without knowing who you are anymore and why you’re there. Fame is Pandorum. Still, Lilith and Frasier reunited!
  6. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs:…..is typically something you hear right before someone teabags you. You really want to take your kids to see that?
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