Waves and waves and waves of sports are washing over us this week.
Monday Night Football.
The World Series between the Barack Obama Phillies and the G.W. Yankees–one’s a promising, up-and-comer, the other an arrogant mainstay that feels entitled to be there. And will probably bomb your home in the name of democracy, defense and Steinbrenner.
Anyway, sandwiched between these two events–not to mention yet another Sat/Sun combo of football, of the pre-Pro and Pro variety–will be the start of the 2009-10 NBA season.
You remember the NBA, don’t you? For most of you, it’s the league that Micheal Jordan started, since maintained by Kobe “I’ll touch you in the dark” Bryant and LeBron “no, my 1st name’s not French” James.
But you probably don’t know much else beyond that, right?
Well, fortunately for you, The Kids LOVES basketball. And LOVES the NBA. And as one of the remaining 100 people still watching/following/entertained by the league, I’m taking it on myself to bring all of you back into the fold with an NBA 2009-10 Season Preview.
The Kids Don’t Get It style, of course. I’ll provide a preview of each of the divisions over the course of the week, with a look at each team within the division.
No more introductions–let’s do this.
The Kids Don’t Get It 2009-10 NBA Season Preview!
Atlantic Division (Boston, New York, Philadelphia, New Jersey, and Toronto):
- The Boston Celtics: The Celtics are like the league’s coolest co-worker league. It’s full of guys who’ve been around for awhile: Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and Rasheed “Black Woodsman Cannibal” Wallace all have 10+ years experience in the NBA. It’s basically like watching your old college pals get together: there’s the friend that’s always talking sh-t (Garnett), the friend that always seems high (Pierce), the bald one still gettin’ tail somehow (Allen) and the one that just wants to get wasted and eat you (Wallace). Sure, they’ve done well on their own, but they are always somehow more fun all together. And with both Garnett and Wallace on the team together, the Celtics become the NBA’s premier “Angry Black Man” team–both of these guys have biiiiig mouths on them, and the kinds of tempers you usually only find in Bruce Banner and “behaviorally-challenged” kids. Rasheed Wallace alone has consistently lead the league in technical fouls (earned for things like arguing with the refs or uncontrollably dry-humping the 1/2 time acrobats) for about 45yrs now. And I once watched Garnett–probably the NBA’s most excitable player–actually pee on himself, collect it in one of those orange Gatorade cups, and then drink it down while staring down the other team’s mascot. The remaining urine was collected and sold on store shelves as “G”.
- New York Knicks: The Knicks have been criminally bad for about 8 years now. No, I literally mean criminally bad. Their former coach/GM/pimp, Isaiah Thomas, cost the NYK organization millions of dollars behind a sexual harassment suit. The team’s star PG, Stephon Marbury, banged one of the team’s interns. In his car. In the parking lot. Of a strip club. And then this was covered up. By Stephon and Isaiah! Worst buddy pairing ever. Well, both of those guys are gone now, and in their place is Mike D’Antoni, who looks like “Wario” from the Nintendo games, and David Lee, who looks like a Ben Affleck weight-gain role for Oscar baiting. You know the Knicks aren’t going to win, because the NBA’s one of the lone places still standing where White Guys Don’t Win.
- Philadelphia 76ers: The 76ers, for awhile now, have been trying to find success with a brand-new “A.I.” The moniker once used as shorthand for Allen Iverson has now been adopted by the team’s marquee player, Andre Igudoala, whose name sounds like some sort of butt-virus you’d get in the jungles of Central America. In addition to “A.I. Mud Butt”, the team also sports at least two other disease-sounding names: Jason “I’m sorry ma’am, you’ve got–” Kapono and Maurice Speights–which sounds like some debilitating condition that Ben Franklin would have had. This season also marks the (hopefully) triumphant return of Elton Brand, the 76ers $80 million power forward, who missed virtually all of last season after injuring his shoulder tossing all that money in the air.
- New Jersey Nets: The Nets, if you haven’t heard, have recently been purchased by a young, mysterious Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov. According to Nets insiders, Prokhorov has spent the entire Nets training camp time teaching the players how to make Molotov cocktails, substitute vodka for water, and how to escape the Kremlin with nothing but a spork smuggled in your buttocks. I don’t know much about Mikhail, but Russian+Jersey professional basketball team=sequel to The Air Up There.
- Toronto Raptors: The Raptors have proudly been a part of the NBA’s “Player Exchange Program” for like 12 years now. The NBA PEP was created by the NBA and Canada as a means of securing Steve Nash. Canada said, “ok, NBA; you realize that we’ve spent about 2 generations breeding and re-breeding Canadians in order to make Steve Nash, right? I mean, he’s got John Candy’s durability, Howie Mandel’s cockiness, and Avril Lavigne’s hair. He’s like our Canadian 6 Million Dollar Man. If we’re going to let him play with you, you’ve got to send us some American players who will teach us American things like rap music and Chick-Fil-A.” And so it was done. The Raptors’ big off-season acquisition was Hedo Turkoglu, who looks like the lovechild of Hugh Jackman and Sloth from The Goonies. He’s paired up with the Raptor’s top big man, Chris Bosh, who now resembles Predator. Wolverine and the Predator on the same team? This I gotta see.