Monthly Archives: October 2009

Earning your NBA Part 1: The Atlantic Division

Waves and waves and waves of sports are washing over us this week.

Monday Night Football.

The World Series between the Barack Obama Phillies and the G.W. Yankees–one’s a promising, up-and-comer, the other an arrogant mainstay that feels entitled to be there. And will probably bomb your home in the name of democracy, defense and Steinbrenner.

Anyway, sandwiched between these two events–not to mention yet another Sat/Sun combo of football, of the pre-Pro and Pro variety–will be the start of the 2009-10 NBA season.

You remember the NBA, don’t you? For most of you, it’s the league that Micheal Jordan started, since maintained by Kobe “I’ll touch you in the dark” Bryant and LeBron “no, my 1st name’s not French” James.

But you probably don’t know much else beyond that, right?

Well, fortunately for you, The Kids LOVES basketball. And LOVES the NBA. And as one of the remaining 100 people still watching/following/entertained by the league, I’m taking it on myself to bring all of you back into the fold with an NBA 2009-10 Season Preview.

The Kids Don’t Get It style, of course. I’ll provide a preview of each of the divisions over the course of the week, with a look at each team within the division.

No more introductions–let’s do this.

The Kids Don’t Get It 2009-10 NBA Season Preview!

Atlantic Division (Boston, New York, Philadelphia, New Jersey, and Toronto):

  • The Boston Celtics: The Celtics are like the league’s coolest co-worker league. It’s full of guys who’ve been around for awhile: Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and Rasheed “Black Woodsman Cannibal” Wallace all rasheed_wallace11have 10+ years experience in the NBA. It’s basically like watching your old college pals get together: there’s the friend that’s always talking sh-t (Garnett), the friend that always seems high (Pierce), the bald one still gettin’ tail somehow (Allen) and the one that just wants to get wasted and eat you (Wallace). Sure, they’ve done well on their own, but they are always somehow more fun all together. And with both Garnett and Wallace on the team together, the Celtics become the NBA’s premier “Angry Black Man” team–both of these guys have biiiiig mouths on them, and the kinds of tempers you usually only find in Bruce Banner and “behaviorally-challenged” kids. Rasheed Wallace alone has consistently lead the league in technical fouls (earned for things like arguing with the refs or uncontrollably dry-humping the 1/2 time acrobats) for about 45yrs now. And I once watched Garnett–probably the NBA’s most excitable player–actually pee on himself, collect it in one of those orange Gatorade cups, and then drink it down while staring down the other team’s mascot. The remaining urine was collected and sold on store shelves as “G”.
  • New York Knicks: The Knicks have been criminally bad for about 8 years now. No, I literally mean criminally bad. Their former coach/GM/pimp, Isaiah Thomas, cost the NYK organization millions of dollars behind a sexual harassment suit. The team’s star PG, Stephon Marbury, banged one of the team’s interns. In his car. In the parking lot. Of a strip club. And then this was covered up. By Stephon and Isaiah! Worst buddy pairing ever. Well, both of those guys are gone now, and in their place is Mike D’Antoni, who looks like “Wario” from the Nintendo games, and David Lee, who looks like a Ben Affleck weight-gain role for Oscar baiting. You know the Knicks aren’t going to win, because the NBA’s one of the lone places still standing where White Guys Don’t Win.

     

    Knicks_Lee

    Good Will Balling

  • Philadelphia 76ers: The 76ers, for awhile now, have been trying to find success with a brand-new “A.I.” The moniker once used as shorthand for Allen Iverson has now been adopted by the team’s marquee player, Andre Igudoala, whose name sounds like some sort of butt-virus you’d get in the jungles of Central America. In addition to “A.I. Mud Butt”, the team also sports at least two other disease-sounding names: Jason “I’m sorry ma’am, you’ve got–” Kapono and Maurice Speights–which sounds like some debilitating condition that Ben Franklin would have had. This season also marks the (hopefully) triumphant return of Elton Brand, the 76ers $80 million power forward, who missed virtually all of last season after injuring his shoulder tossing all that money in the air.

     

    coach mike-d yelling

    "It-a wasn't a-me-ah! It was-ah, Mario! Not Wario, Mario!"

  • New Jersey Nets: The Nets, if you haven’t heard, have recently been purchased by a young, mysterious Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov. According to Nets insiders, Prokhorov has spent the entire Nets training camp time teaching the players how to make Molotov cocktails, substitute vodka for water, and how to escape the Kremlin with nothing but a spork smuggled in your buttocks. I don’t know much about Mikhail, but Russian+Jersey professional basketball team=sequel to The Air Up There.

     

    mikhail

    "No Mr. Kobe, I expect you to DIE"

  • Toronto Raptors: The Raptors have proudly been a part of the NBA’s “Player Exchange Program” for like 12 years now. The NBA PEP was created by the NBA and Canada as a means of securing Steve Nash. Canada said, “ok, NBA; you realize that we’ve spent about 2 generations breeding and re-breeding Canadians in order to make Steve Nash, right? I mean, he’s got John Candy’s durability, Howie Mandel’s cockiness, and Avril Lavigne’s hair. He’s like our Canadian 6 Million Dollar Man. If we’re going to let him play with you, you’ve got to send us some American players who will teach us American things like rap music and Chick-Fil-A.” And so it was done. The Raptors’ big off-season acquisition was Hedo Turkoglu, who looks like the lovechild of Hugh Jackman and Sloth from The Goonies. He’s paired up with the Raptor’s top big man, Chris Bosh, who now resembles Predator. Wolverine and the Predator on the same team? This I gotta see.

     

    82992867FM056_Jazz_Magic

    Raised in a dank basement for the first 20yrs of its life, the Hedo Turkoglu enjoys his first taste of air and candy.

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Trojan Horse

mcnabb

McNabb works his mojo on the field with his magic fingers.

We’re nearing the midway point of the 2009 NFL season, and here in Philly it’s been another painful ride thus far thanks to McNabb and the Eagles.

Fortunately for area folks, Jimmy Rollins and the South Philly Bombers (Motown) will soon be squaring off against Derek and A-Rod’s Big Adventure (Summer’s Eve) later this week in a ‘roid battle of the bats. This World Series will either end with Philly burning because Philadelphians are happy about the team repeating, or NYC burning because Philadelphians are happy about the team repeating or mad because they lost to the Yank-these.

mcnabb-709810

Wrap it up, Donovan!

I don’t hate McNabb. I really don’t. He and his mother are not only responsible for getting me to eat Campbell’s Soup, but to also consider the idea that sometimes a pro QB –who pukes in big moments, sits on the sidelines more than a husky kid on a track team and throws more bad passes than a drunk frat boy–that sometimes a man needs his mother’s teat to help him through the bad times life.

As a matter of fact, because of how his legacy is sure to be remembered I’ve come to consider McNabb the “Condom Quarterback”.Trojan-Condoms

What’s a “Condom Quarterback” you say?

Allow me to explain.

The Kids Don’t Get It Explains How Donovan McNabb is a Condom:

  • In my early, randy college days, my friends and I went everywhere with a condom in our pockets. Parties, professor office hours, bars, dorm meetings, keggers, the dining hall–we were ready. The condom stayed in the pocket , because, well, that’s where it needed to be. But then, when the “time” came, it was never really effective–you’re suddenly making a mad scramble to get it, fumbling with it, palms sweaty, teeth gritted…and so, something was always lost when it was probably easier just having it out of the pocket. And sometimes, because it’s been in the pocket so long, when it does come out, it looks a little old and worn. I mean, that condom’s been in the pocket for a long time now–and really, you’ve only let it stay in your pocket at this point only because you’ve had it for so long, and at this point, you’re determined to see it finally get used–even if it means it might not really be any good anymore and may well break at the big moment. And now, presto, it’s like 9 years later and you’re the dad with the crackhead baby that everyone associates you with– you know, like Andy Reid with Donovan, or Andy at the family dinner table. That’s Donovan.

    donovan_vmed_8p.widec

    Helmet-ed for her pleasure.

  • Like a condom, Donovan’s almost like sensation of the real thing (like say the Manning boys)–but falls just a bit short.
  • If it’s on, someone’s sure to be getting f-cked in the next 48mins.
  • His arm: I mean, sure, we’d all like for that arm to be magnum-sized, but really, who are we fooling? It’s pretty average.
  • Might score a lot, but ultimately doesn’t produce.
  • …with all that being said, the condom’s still the safest, surest bet man’s got to date. Better than the pump-and-pray method (Kolb). Better than just trying to do it yourself (Westbrook). And it’s certainly still better than going raw dog (Vick).

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Michelle by Mattel

Jailbreak-Toys-Comes-Out-with-Michelle-Obama-Doll-2

Thanks to stem cell research, we've got a 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Lady

Just in time for the holiday season, Jailbreak Toys is releasing a Michelle Obama doll continuing the recent tradition of First Lady dolls and dummies that started with Laura “Mannequin 3” Bush and “Cankles-Fun” Hillary dolls. But what could a Michelle Obama doll have to offer a hungry public when the holiday season rolls around?

I mean, I’d probably get one; I already have a Che Guevara finger puppet that I make say things like, “America isn’t so bad” and “You’re hot and you’re cold/You’re yes then you’re no”, so naturally, I imagined all the things that I could do with a Michelle Obama doll:

  1. wipe that smug look off its face
  2. make it say things like, “Eat it, Clintons!” and “Wearing J. Crew doesn’t make me one of you, idiots!”
  3. hatef*ck it, and then make it do a “walk of shame” in front of Barbies, Cabbage Patch kids and Transformers toys
  4. brush her hair and tell her my secrets

    angry-michelle-obama-jpg

    "B!tch Please!" Michelle Doll!

What will be awesome are all the cool accessories that they’ll eventually release for the Michelle line of dolls. Things like:

  • Outfits! Dominatrix gear (“Each package comes with its own Michelle-approved safe words like “acorn”, “Alaska” and “Hilary”!)….mom jeans….”Obama Mama” t-shirt
  • Michelle Doll-exclusive extra cushion for the pushin’
  • “Michelle Obama Talk Show Set Fun” playset, complete with flashing lights, grinning 1-dimensional contestants and interviewers, and her own doll-sized book to promote: “I’m Awesome Because I Raise My Kids and Smile”

    michelle-obama-mad

    "Satanic Yoda Fun" Michelle Doll!

  • a machete
  • a corvette

And so on and so forth. I imagine a complimentary set has been sent to the White House already….and were promptly confiscated by Uncle Joe Biden, who went to his office and spent hours forcing staff members to watch puppet shows making the Hillary and Michelle ones make out with each other (“Check these broads out–they can’t get enough of each other! Kissy-face! Kissy-face! I’m VP!”)

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The Kids Wants to Know: “What Lame-@$$ Quiz Best Describes YOU?”

AAEA002347

You've been tagged.You've been tagged.You've been tagged.You've been taggedYou've been tagged.

I’ve been mulling over how much time I have to be associated with Facebook. I mean, I’m a 31 yr-old black male, which means that I’ve already out-lived my projected lifespan by about 15 years. So it’s time to start getting serious thinking about my legacy.

jetsons

2014: Rosie Perez gets replaced with Rosie the Robot

Back in the day, such things would be accomplished through NBA record-setting, organizing the Million Man March, or cameo-ing with Master P on something, but in the advanced computer age, such legacies are now redundant. I mean we’re about 5 years away from the Jetsons’ imagined future of white-haired daughters and busty robot maids, so all legacies now will be the electronic kind.

This is where Facebook comes in.

Facebook was initially the gentrification answer to the ever-browning MySpace. In its initial incarnation, you had to be a college student with a working college email address and know the cast of Friends. It’s since changed to become something akin to MTV: a maelstrom of people cavorting, f-cking and photo-ing with the reckless abandon of a frat initiation.

Do I really want to show my children, or have my children shown to them, that my electronic/internet-al imprint consists of copious linking of “Lil Wayne freestyling about tampons” or “wall” messages like “I can’t believe you peed on the Metro!”.

Is that what I want?

To be remembered and traced back with comments like, “omg did u see kanye on the mtv awards? i h8 him–but his album’s the shit. i ❤ him. drinks tonite?”.facebook

To have my child look at my list of friends and say:

“Who’s that?”

“I dunno, someone I met at a bar once I think”

“Who’s that?”

“I dunno, someone I went to HS with once. Or maybe punched”

“Who’s that? She looks like me!”

“Someone I hooked up with once before…..don’t tell your mother”

“Who’s that man? He’s funny-lookin”

“Fergie. No wait that’s my old English prof. He was in a horrible fire accident once. No, no, wait…that’s Fergie”

And so on and so forth.

So yes. I think the time’s ticking on my time with Facebook. I mean, no offense, but if I haven’t talked to over the last 15-18 years…..why now?

So I can see your latest “Mafia Wars” hit?

So I can see that I should join you in becoming a fan of “Jesus”…or “Gossip Girls” or….”Laughing at People Tripping”?

zoot

From the album "Piggy's Pork Tenderloins"

It might be time to move on. I’d rather stay one step ahead of the pack whenever possible and spare myself the inane listings of favorite bands that are really only listed to prove how cool you for knowing obscure ones (“Favorite Artists: The Snoot Group and Its Babies–it’s a little known band out of Brooklyn fronted by ‘Zoot’ the bald saxophone player from the old Muppets Band.”). And books. The oft-times embarrassing favorite books of people that I respect. Who knew Dan Brown had so many fans?

Facebook is an amazing collection of people treating their dogs like kids (“snoopy’s sick today. can’t think about work 😦 “), their kids like pets (“my son pissing on the carpet and me taking a picture. my boy! lol”), and their spouses like bitches (“wife crashed car again today. my gf and i can’t believe it”).

So yes, it’s getting close to closing time on FB. And if there’s ever better proof that now’s the time to get going it’s the recent article in The Washington Post about Sarah Palin joining Facebook (kinda).

Sarah Palin.

Sarah Smurfing Palin is on Facebook.

The mere idea that somehow, someday, I’m going to log into FB and have Palin as a People You May Know is, well, terrifying.

It falls on my personal list of Greatest Fears.

Just look:

  1. The Roots become house band for a really unfunny white guy
  2. Salma Hayek is really a man
  3. Oprah eats my family
  4. My fave group, The Snoot Group and Its Babies, disbands
  5. Sarah Silverman’s career continues
  6. Getting friended or connected to Sarah Palin
  7. Pharrell is really a woman

Out of curiosity and bloggeristic integrity though, I went to Sarah Palin’s page and over the last couple of days discovered the following:

"Just wrote on your wall, sweet'ums"

"Just wrote on your wall, sweet'ums"

  • Favorite Bands: rubber, John Denver, Jesus, moose mating calls, John Mayer, N.W.A.
  • Favorite Things: bein’ cute, bein’ stupid, bein’ pregnant
  • Status Updates: “is looking at the shores of China from my window, wondering where it all went wrong”….”is getting super-poked by so many new friends!”….”still thinks that colored-man in the White House talks kinda funny”….”is not understanding what’s going on on ‘House’ anymore. I mean, really!”….
  • Favorite Books: the Bible (GOP edition), So Your Daughter’s a Whore and You Want to Be VP, The Da Vinci Code

So I gotta leave. Soon. I can’t afford to be associated with another Da Vinci fan.

I can’t.

To boot, the website’s having a movie made about it.

Starring Justin Timberlake.

I Smurf you not.

So it’s time for an about-Face. Time to gather my things…my photos….my witty captions on pics…my Lil’ Wayne freestyle links….and Cormac McCarthy this b-tch by hittin’ the road.

Who’s with me?

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Let them Eat Cake!

When I think of the suburbs, I tend to think of the following things:porkypig

  • TGI Apple Garden’s
  • adultery
  • book clubs (with adultery)
  • malls
  • Jean Claude Van Damme

I didn’t say they all had to make sense.

bloodsport1

Swine-flu Twister, anyone?

But then, that’s rather the perfect segue into talking about life in the ‘burbs–bland, faceless living, suspiciously spiked with Blood Sport.

Like this.

In case you’re too lazy to click and read, it’s an article about families in the suburbs of Houston hosting swine flu parties for their kids, the idea apparently being that if they can get their kids exposed to it, they’ll build up an immunity to it. I’m not sure who attends such parties; as a suburban-raised kid myself, I know for a fact that my mom wouldn’t let me go over to other kids’ homes to study (dry humping to the 100 Years War notes) let alone something like this.

hazmat clown

"I heard today is someone's Sneezing with Nausea, Fatigue and Occasionally Bouts of Vomiting Day....!"

And just what the hell do you do at a party like this? I imagine that all the normal features of a kid’s party must get the “Swine Flu” treatment in the following ways:

  1. Everyone is required to play “Spin the Bottle” and each child must go into the closet and make out with the Swine-infected kid (let’s call him “Porky”) for 7 minutes or until the healthy kid gets chills–whichever WizardHatPinata1-mhappens first.
  2. Porky, with a runny nose and smoker’s cough, blows out the candles on the Swine-cake (“Happy H1N1-st Day Porky!”)–and then serves it to everyone.
  3. Twister.
  4. A pinata filled with Porky’s dirty tissues, soiled bedsheets and underwear
  5. A Swine-flu-themed Clown

This is why I love and fear the suburbs. It’s the only place where you can go to “Swine-Flu Saturdays” and “My Mom Will Give Us Booze If You Bang Her” parties on Fridays.

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No-tell, Nobel, Holiday Inn!

In what has to be the world’s Nicest Consolation Prize, Barack Obama, he of the Jedi sword and Uncle Joe Biden, was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for essentially being a nice guy that’s not Bush. barack loungin

Now, I like Barack.

He’s a “suspenders and shiny loafers” guy.

He’s a “now that’s a lady I’d brew a pot of coffee for in the morning” when-he- saw-a-hot-woman kind of guy.

Michelle (through gritted teeth): Give. Me. The. Mic. 'Sweetie'.

Michelle (through gritted teeth): Give. Me. The. Mic. 'Sweetie'.

He’s a “we spent the weekend re-binding our old books and then played a messy round of backgammon on Sunday” kind of guy.

But I don’t know about the NPP, which seems like it was given to him by a group of people who thought, ‘Hey Barack-y, don’t worry about not getting the Olympics for Chicago–hey, hey, look at it this way–Jordan didn’t come there to help out, either. Don’t feel bad. Let’s get you a Slurpee!”. It’s like when you take a pal out to the bar to pick up his spirits and you convince some really really hot chick there to dance with him. He’s surprised, humbled for a moment, and then pretty elated, but deep down he knows he prob doesn’t deserve it, but even deeper down he’s loving the boner that it’s giving him.

That’s how I imagine B.O.’s feeling about his Nobel: a little undeserving, but, you know what? Smurf it, I got a chubby.

I just wonder how he’s going to handle this award now. At some point, this constant fawning and acclaim must go to one’s head: When Halle Berry won the Oscar on her back for Monster Ball-ing Billy Bob Thornton, she brought the award to script readings for X-Men 2. Just sat it on the table like a bottle of Jack. At a script reading! For the X-Men movie! Amazing.

Granted, she went from BAPS to Boomerang to Monster’s Ball–no one is meant to make such a meteoric rise (see:  Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears and 90’s Sitcom-to-Movie Remakes Addams Family, Brady Bunch, Starsky & Hutch). And none of those have turned out well.

That’s why I’ve always been so worried about Barack.

And it’s not like Michelle “Darth Sidius” Obama is going to keep him level, either–that woman loves this stuff probably 80000000000x more than he does. I bet when they had White House sex last night, before he slipped out of his moccasins and ascot, and she out of her snake skin and goat hooves, she said, “No, ‘rack–put the Nobel on”. And then they made love to Jeffrey Osbourne music.teen choice awards 2009 nominees nominations

So yeah; now what? What’s Barack wake up to this morning after winning the NPP? Why, the announcements that he’s won the following awards, of course! Just look at this fake article that I fake found on the internet that was not really on the Washington Post website:

Barack Obama Sweeps Nickelodeon Teen Choice Awards, Earth

AP–What a week for President Obama. Mere hours after being announced the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, Barack Obama won every category at the Nickelodeon Teen Choice Awards, including categories the POTUS was considered a “dark horse” contender in, such as “Other Stuff Female Hottie” and “Best Summer Hook-Up Song”. While officially airing back in August, with the awards already doled out to teen choice stars, Teen Choice/Nickelodeon CEO Raven Symone explained, “We knew the choices were always ridiculous, so we approached the committee about retracting all the awards and re-awarding them to the nominees that should’ve won all along–Barack Obama”.When reached for a comment about this reverse decision, Barack Obama chuckled with a shake of his head and said, “That’s so Raven”.

As a result, 47 Teen Choice Award trophies (surfboards) were delivered to the White House today.

In addition to the Teen Choice Awards, Barack Obama is also expected to win the following awards for 2009-2010:

  • Best Picture (Academy Awards)
  • Best Picture (Foreign) (Academy Awards)
  • Best Cinematography (Academy Awards)
  • #1 on Maxim’s Hot 100 (Maxim Magazine)
  • Prom Queen (Winslow High School Prom, Class of ’10, New Brunswick, NJ)

    Halle Berry 2002 Oscar Academy Award

    "This is for every girl that was afraid that sleeping with somebody wouldn't get you anywhere! Now I can make 'Catwoman'!"

  • Telenovela del Ano (Telemundo)
  • Best Comic Book Graphic Novel (The Eisner Award)
  • World’s Sexiest Bachelor (People Magazine)
  • 100% Certified Fresh (RottenTomato.com)
  • Chris Mortensen’s “Pick of the Week”
  • Jet Magazine’s “Beauty of the Week”
  • The MVP trophy for the 2009-10 NBA Season
  • Playmate of the Year (Playboy)
  • American Idol Season Winner 2010

The sky’s the limit for B.O. now.

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Now Playing Near You: Whip It, Whip It Good, Whip It REAL Good

Oh boy, it’s been a quiet week, hasn’t it?

The Kids are getting geared-up for a return to normalcy, and what better way than the latest installment of “Now Playing Near You”–a snooty look at the week’s movie releases.

You can read previous installments by clicking on the link of the same name located in the right-hand margin.

And now, the latest gut-busting reviews of movies you’re sure to see (or not see depending on taste). Get your popcorn, soda and chaps removed–the Kids are about to Whip It.

Now Playing in Theaters:

  1. Zombieland: In the world comics, books and movies, the monsters are back again. Thanks to dim-witted wankfests like Twilight–who’ve turned vampires into sparkling, effeminate, walking-roofies waiting to bang your daughter–Benecio del Toro’s upcoming Werewolf movie (talk about a role one was “born to play”), the Resident Evil movies and games and Meet the Osbournes, monsters have seen a huge resurgence in popularity over the last few years. This week’s spotlight is Zombieland, an adventurous romp about a group of humans walking through a
    I'm so high!

    I'm so high!

    zombie-infested America, blasting, chopping and sawing every zombie in their path. The movie stars Woody Harrelson, who probably thinks he’s really shooting zombies the whole time, but sadly doesn’t star Megan Fox, Miley Cyrus, Oprah Winfrey, any recent cast of Real World/Road Rules, Akon, Gwen Stefani or Jay Leno as zombies. Just to name a few. It does star Abigail Breslin (from the painfully over-hyped Little Miss Sunshine ) though. But she’s not a zombie either. F-ck, why see this? Besides, what’s the last good “land” you’ve heard of? Graceland, Disneyland, Never-Never Land and Maryland all suck–why should Zombieland be any different? Actually, it might be.

  2. Whip It: Starring too-cute-and-quirky-Juno lead Ellen Paige who’s trading in the most unbelievable dialogue ever delivered by a “16 yr-old teenage mom” for a movie about a plucky young woman who is a waitress by day and a roller-derby baller by night. Other trades: instead of the name “Juno” she’s now a character named “Bliss”. Instead of annoying, overdone Diablo Cody (writer of Juno), we get lispy, tipsy Drew Barrymore (directing). I don’t care if you whip it, smurf it, lick it, beat it or stroke it–just don’t see it.

    whip-it

    "Yeah, so, I was in Juno, you know...."

  3. The Invention of Lying: Bill Clinton and George Bush Jr. star in This movie is about Ricky Gervais being the first person to discover the ability to lie. It’s bound to be bad because of the TV Star Rule: movies reliant on TV stars are never good. It’s got Ricky Gervais (from the U.K. The Office), Jennifer Garner (Elektra), Tina Fey (SNL and 30 Same Jokes) and Rob Lowe (West Wing and home-made porn films). That’s too many TV stars for a movie to succeed. Garner and Fey alone should be a warning for studio execs–the two haven’t been the leads in decent movies yet. Baby’s Momma alone, with a title and a supporting character cast that’s as offensive as it is unfunny, should be proof of this. I dare you, dear readers to name me a movie that had TV stars sharing the main acting duties and it being good still. Doesn’t happen. It just doesn’t.
  4. Toy Story in 3-D: Tim Allen in 3-D brings a whole new meaning to the idea of “Tool Time”.
  5. Toy Story 2 in 3-D: Smurf-dammit, didn’t you hear me the first time?
  6. Capitalism: A Love Story: It’s Michael Moore’s latest attempt to make at duality: good points at the cost of being labeled a “liberal”. What I’d love to see is for Moore to do a documentary on something that he, Rush Limbaugh, Lady Gaga and Simon Cowell all share: man breasts.

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