Now Playing Near You: Whip It, Whip It Good, Whip It REAL Good

Oh boy, it’s been a quiet week, hasn’t it?

The Kids are getting geared-up for a return to normalcy, and what better way than the latest installment of “Now Playing Near You”–a snooty look at the week’s movie releases.

You can read previous installments by clicking on the link of the same name located in the right-hand margin.

And now, the latest gut-busting reviews of movies you’re sure to see (or not see depending on taste). Get your popcorn, soda and chaps removed–the Kids are about to Whip It.

Now Playing in Theaters:

  1. Zombieland: In the world comics, books and movies, the monsters are back again. Thanks to dim-witted wankfests like Twilight–who’ve turned vampires into sparkling, effeminate, walking-roofies waiting to bang your daughter–Benecio del Toro’s upcoming Werewolf movie (talk about a role one was “born to play”), the Resident Evil movies and games and Meet the Osbournes, monsters have seen a huge resurgence in popularity over the last few years. This week’s spotlight is Zombieland, an adventurous romp about a group of humans walking through a
    I'm so high!

    I'm so high!

    zombie-infested America, blasting, chopping and sawing every zombie in their path. The movie stars Woody Harrelson, who probably thinks he’s really shooting zombies the whole time, but sadly doesn’t star Megan Fox, Miley Cyrus, Oprah Winfrey, any recent cast of Real World/Road Rules, Akon, Gwen Stefani or Jay Leno as zombies. Just to name a few. It does star Abigail Breslin (from the painfully over-hyped Little Miss Sunshine ) though. But she’s not a zombie either. F-ck, why see this? Besides, what’s the last good “land” you’ve heard of? Graceland, Disneyland, Never-Never Land and Maryland all suck–why should Zombieland be any different? Actually, it might be.

  2. Whip It: Starring too-cute-and-quirky-Juno lead Ellen Paige who’s trading in the most unbelievable dialogue ever delivered by a “16 yr-old teenage mom” for a movie about a plucky young woman who is a waitress by day and a roller-derby baller by night. Other trades: instead of the name “Juno” she’s now a character named “Bliss”. Instead of annoying, overdone Diablo Cody (writer of Juno), we get lispy, tipsy Drew Barrymore (directing). I don’t care if you whip it, smurf it, lick it, beat it or stroke it–just don’t see it.

    whip-it

    "Yeah, so, I was in Juno, you know...."

  3. The Invention of Lying: Bill Clinton and George Bush Jr. star in This movie is about Ricky Gervais being the first person to discover the ability to lie. It’s bound to be bad because of the TV Star Rule: movies reliant on TV stars are never good. It’s got Ricky Gervais (from the U.K. The Office), Jennifer Garner (Elektra), Tina Fey (SNL and 30 Same Jokes) and Rob Lowe (West Wing and home-made porn films). That’s too many TV stars for a movie to succeed. Garner and Fey alone should be a warning for studio execs–the two haven’t been the leads in decent movies yet. Baby’s Momma alone, with a title and a supporting character cast that’s as offensive as it is unfunny, should be proof of this. I dare you, dear readers to name me a movie that had TV stars sharing the main acting duties and it being good still. Doesn’t happen. It just doesn’t.
  4. Toy Story in 3-D: Tim Allen in 3-D brings a whole new meaning to the idea of “Tool Time”.
  5. Toy Story 2 in 3-D: Smurf-dammit, didn’t you hear me the first time?
  6. Capitalism: A Love Story: It’s Michael Moore’s latest attempt to make at duality: good points at the cost of being labeled a “liberal”. What I’d love to see is for Moore to do a documentary on something that he, Rush Limbaugh, Lady Gaga and Simon Cowell all share: man breasts.
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