No-tell, Nobel, Holiday Inn!

In what has to be the world’s Nicest Consolation Prize, Barack Obama, he of the Jedi sword and Uncle Joe Biden, was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for essentially being a nice guy that’s not Bush. barack loungin

Now, I like Barack.

He’s a “suspenders and shiny loafers” guy.

He’s a “now that’s a lady I’d brew a pot of coffee for in the morning” when-he- saw-a-hot-woman kind of guy.

Michelle (through gritted teeth): Give. Me. The. Mic. 'Sweetie'.

Michelle (through gritted teeth): Give. Me. The. Mic. 'Sweetie'.

He’s a “we spent the weekend re-binding our old books and then played a messy round of backgammon on Sunday” kind of guy.

But I don’t know about the NPP, which seems like it was given to him by a group of people who thought, ‘Hey Barack-y, don’t worry about not getting the Olympics for Chicago–hey, hey, look at it this way–Jordan didn’t come there to help out, either. Don’t feel bad. Let’s get you a Slurpee!”. It’s like when you take a pal out to the bar to pick up his spirits and you convince some really really hot chick there to dance with him. He’s surprised, humbled for a moment, and then pretty elated, but deep down he knows he prob doesn’t deserve it, but even deeper down he’s loving the boner that it’s giving him.

That’s how I imagine B.O.’s feeling about his Nobel: a little undeserving, but, you know what? Smurf it, I got a chubby.

I just wonder how he’s going to handle this award now. At some point, this constant fawning and acclaim must go to one’s head: When Halle Berry won the Oscar on her back for Monster Ball-ing Billy Bob Thornton, she brought the award to script readings for X-Men 2. Just sat it on the table like a bottle of Jack. At a script reading! For the X-Men movie! Amazing.

Granted, she went from BAPS to Boomerang to Monster’s Ball–no one is meant to make such a meteoric rise (see:  Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears and 90’s Sitcom-to-Movie Remakes Addams Family, Brady Bunch, Starsky & Hutch). And none of those have turned out well.

That’s why I’ve always been so worried about Barack.

And it’s not like Michelle “Darth Sidius” Obama is going to keep him level, either–that woman loves this stuff probably 80000000000x more than he does. I bet when they had White House sex last night, before he slipped out of his moccasins and ascot, and she out of her snake skin and goat hooves, she said, “No, ‘rack–put the Nobel on”. And then they made love to Jeffrey Osbourne music.teen choice awards 2009 nominees nominations

So yeah; now what? What’s Barack wake up to this morning after winning the NPP? Why, the announcements that he’s won the following awards, of course! Just look at this fake article that I fake found on the internet that was not really on the Washington Post website:

Barack Obama Sweeps Nickelodeon Teen Choice Awards, Earth

AP–What a week for President Obama. Mere hours after being announced the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, Barack Obama won every category at the Nickelodeon Teen Choice Awards, including categories the POTUS was considered a “dark horse” contender in, such as “Other Stuff Female Hottie” and “Best Summer Hook-Up Song”. While officially airing back in August, with the awards already doled out to teen choice stars, Teen Choice/Nickelodeon CEO Raven Symone explained, “We knew the choices were always ridiculous, so we approached the committee about retracting all the awards and re-awarding them to the nominees that should’ve won all along–Barack Obama”.When reached for a comment about this reverse decision, Barack Obama chuckled with a shake of his head and said, “That’s so Raven”.

As a result, 47 Teen Choice Award trophies (surfboards) were delivered to the White House today.

In addition to the Teen Choice Awards, Barack Obama is also expected to win the following awards for 2009-2010:

  • Best Picture (Academy Awards)
  • Best Picture (Foreign) (Academy Awards)
  • Best Cinematography (Academy Awards)
  • #1 on Maxim’s Hot 100 (Maxim Magazine)
  • Prom Queen (Winslow High School Prom, Class of ’10, New Brunswick, NJ)

    Halle Berry 2002 Oscar Academy Award

    "This is for every girl that was afraid that sleeping with somebody wouldn't get you anywhere! Now I can make 'Catwoman'!"

  • Telenovela del Ano (Telemundo)
  • Best Comic Book Graphic Novel (The Eisner Award)
  • World’s Sexiest Bachelor (People Magazine)
  • 100% Certified Fresh (
  • Chris Mortensen’s “Pick of the Week”
  • Jet Magazine’s “Beauty of the Week”
  • The MVP trophy for the 2009-10 NBA Season
  • Playmate of the Year (Playboy)
  • American Idol Season Winner 2010

The sky’s the limit for B.O. now.


1 Comment

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One response to “No-tell, Nobel, Holiday Inn!

  1. Funny. Although I must say the smurf-ing in the White House is probably done to Aaron Neville and not Jeffrey Osbourne. hahaha

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