Michelle by Mattel


Thanks to stem cell research, we've got a 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Lady

Just in time for the holiday season, Jailbreak Toys is releasing a Michelle Obama doll continuing the recent tradition of First Lady dolls and dummies that started with Laura “Mannequin 3” Bush and “Cankles-Fun” Hillary dolls. But what could a Michelle Obama doll have to offer a hungry public when the holiday season rolls around?

I mean, I’d probably get one; I already have a Che Guevara finger puppet that I make say things like, “America isn’t so bad” and “You’re hot and you’re cold/You’re yes then you’re no”, so naturally, I imagined all the things that I could do with a Michelle Obama doll:

  1. wipe that smug look off its face
  2. make it say things like, “Eat it, Clintons!” and “Wearing J. Crew doesn’t make me one of you, idiots!”
  3. hatef*ck it, and then make it do a “walk of shame” in front of Barbies, Cabbage Patch kids and Transformers toys
  4. brush her hair and tell her my secrets


    "B!tch Please!" Michelle Doll!

What will be awesome are all the cool accessories that they’ll eventually release for the Michelle line of dolls. Things like:

  • Outfits! Dominatrix gear (“Each package comes with its own Michelle-approved safe words like “acorn”, “Alaska” and “Hilary”!)….mom jeans….”Obama Mama” t-shirt
  • Michelle Doll-exclusive extra cushion for the pushin’
  • “Michelle Obama Talk Show Set Fun” playset, complete with flashing lights, grinning 1-dimensional contestants and interviewers, and her own doll-sized book to promote: “I’m Awesome Because I Raise My Kids and Smile”


    "Satanic Yoda Fun" Michelle Doll!

  • a machete
  • a corvette

And so on and so forth. I imagine a complimentary set has been sent to the White House already….and were promptly confiscated by Uncle Joe Biden, who went to his office and spent hours forcing staff members to watch puppet shows making the Hillary and Michelle ones make out with each other (“Check these broads out–they can’t get enough of each other! Kissy-face! Kissy-face! I’m VP!”)


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