The Kids Wants to Know: “What Lame-@$$ Quiz Best Describes YOU?”

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I’ve been mulling over how much time I have to be associated with Facebook. I mean, I’m a 31 yr-old black male, which means that I’ve already out-lived my projected lifespan by about 15 years. So it’s time to start getting serious thinking about my legacy.

jetsons

2014: Rosie Perez gets replaced with Rosie the Robot

Back in the day, such things would be accomplished through NBA record-setting, organizing the Million Man March, or cameo-ing with Master P on something, but in the advanced computer age, such legacies are now redundant. I mean we’re about 5 years away from the Jetsons’ imagined future of white-haired daughters and busty robot maids, so all legacies now will be the electronic kind.

This is where Facebook comes in.

Facebook was initially the gentrification answer to the ever-browning MySpace. In its initial incarnation, you had to be a college student with a working college email address and know the cast of Friends. It’s since changed to become something akin to MTV: a maelstrom of people cavorting, f-cking and photo-ing with the reckless abandon of a frat initiation.

Do I really want to show my children, or have my children shown to them, that my electronic/internet-al imprint consists of copious linking of “Lil Wayne freestyling about tampons” or “wall” messages like “I can’t believe you peed on the Metro!”.

Is that what I want?

To be remembered and traced back with comments like, “omg did u see kanye on the mtv awards? i h8 him–but his album’s the shit. i ❤ him. drinks tonite?”.facebook

To have my child look at my list of friends and say:

“Who’s that?”

“I dunno, someone I met at a bar once I think”

“Who’s that?”

“I dunno, someone I went to HS with once. Or maybe punched”

“Who’s that? She looks like me!”

“Someone I hooked up with once before…..don’t tell your mother”

“Who’s that man? He’s funny-lookin”

“Fergie. No wait that’s my old English prof. He was in a horrible fire accident once. No, no, wait…that’s Fergie”

And so on and so forth.

So yes. I think the time’s ticking on my time with Facebook. I mean, no offense, but if I haven’t talked to over the last 15-18 years…..why now?

So I can see your latest “Mafia Wars” hit?

So I can see that I should join you in becoming a fan of “Jesus”…or “Gossip Girls” or….”Laughing at People Tripping”?

zoot

From the album "Piggy's Pork Tenderloins"

It might be time to move on. I’d rather stay one step ahead of the pack whenever possible and spare myself the inane listings of favorite bands that are really only listed to prove how cool you for knowing obscure ones (“Favorite Artists: The Snoot Group and Its Babies–it’s a little known band out of Brooklyn fronted by ‘Zoot’ the bald saxophone player from the old Muppets Band.”). And books. The oft-times embarrassing favorite books of people that I respect. Who knew Dan Brown had so many fans?

Facebook is an amazing collection of people treating their dogs like kids (“snoopy’s sick today. can’t think about work 😦 “), their kids like pets (“my son pissing on the carpet and me taking a picture. my boy! lol”), and their spouses like bitches (“wife crashed car again today. my gf and i can’t believe it”).

So yes, it’s getting close to closing time on FB. And if there’s ever better proof that now’s the time to get going it’s the recent article in The Washington Post about Sarah Palin joining Facebook (kinda).

Sarah Palin.

Sarah Smurfing Palin is on Facebook.

The mere idea that somehow, someday, I’m going to log into FB and have Palin as a People You May Know is, well, terrifying.

It falls on my personal list of Greatest Fears.

Just look:

  1. The Roots become house band for a really unfunny white guy
  2. Salma Hayek is really a man
  3. Oprah eats my family
  4. My fave group, The Snoot Group and Its Babies, disbands
  5. Sarah Silverman’s career continues
  6. Getting friended or connected to Sarah Palin
  7. Pharrell is really a woman

Out of curiosity and bloggeristic integrity though, I went to Sarah Palin’s page and over the last couple of days discovered the following:

"Just wrote on your wall, sweet'ums"

"Just wrote on your wall, sweet'ums"

  • Favorite Bands: rubber, John Denver, Jesus, moose mating calls, John Mayer, N.W.A.
  • Favorite Things: bein’ cute, bein’ stupid, bein’ pregnant
  • Status Updates: “is looking at the shores of China from my window, wondering where it all went wrong”….”is getting super-poked by so many new friends!”….”still thinks that colored-man in the White House talks kinda funny”….”is not understanding what’s going on on ‘House’ anymore. I mean, really!”….
  • Favorite Books: the Bible (GOP edition), So Your Daughter’s a Whore and You Want to Be VP, The Da Vinci Code

So I gotta leave. Soon. I can’t afford to be associated with another Da Vinci fan.

I can’t.

To boot, the website’s having a movie made about it.

Starring Justin Timberlake.

I Smurf you not.

So it’s time for an about-Face. Time to gather my things…my photos….my witty captions on pics…my Lil’ Wayne freestyle links….and Cormac McCarthy this b-tch by hittin’ the road.

Who’s with me?

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