Monthly Archives: November 2009

It’s a Win-Winfrey Situation

Oprah looking at some "legend's balls"

They say that white women are the black man’s Kryptonite, and so I’ve always said that white women’s Kryptonite (WWK) is Oprah Winfrey.

I know what you’re going to say: “But Kids, I’ve seen the Oprah show–there’s colored women in the audience all the time.” Yeah, but here’s the thing, stupid: those are like all her relatives–cousins flown in from out-of-town to support their cousin. If you read the exit attendance rosters, you’ll see names like “Fropah”, “JoePah”, “Lopah”, “Bropah” and “Maya Angelou” who’s allowed to be there every show– same seat, same clothes, same pained look on her face– largely because none of the staffers are sure whether she’s alive or not (“is that caged bird singing or not?”).

Well, anyway, WWK and one of The Kids’ favorite targets–media Godzilla, Oprah Winfrey–announced that she was stepping down from her talk show throne.

The crazy thing is though, is that she announced that her show’s not ending for another two years.

During her first weeks of retirement, Oprah will return to Tattoine to gaze at Han Solo's frozen body in her enterainment chamber.

Who the Smurf announces something two years in advance? If you ever wanted/needed/refuted proof that Oprah was essentially nothing more than Nell Carter with a better weave and a talk show couch well, there you have it. Happy holidays.

To be fair, reports are that she’s planning on going into cable programming, and if it’s anything like getting service from Comcast, she probably needs to put her bid in two years ahead of time.

Anyway, with 730 (or, I as like to call it, “two Oprahs”) days until her final airing, it’s fine time to start guessing how she might or should end her show.

And so, some suggestions on how the Queen of Talk can take her final walk:

  1. Unveil her Macy’s Thanksgiving Day float–along with Spiderman, she’d be the perfect addition to the collection of larger-than-life, full-of-hot-air things floating down the streets of Manhattan. I imagine her float will have a microphone in one hand, Stedman’s nuts in the other, and hordes of suburban moms dancing on her back. In an Oprah surprise twist, she’ll actually be the float itself. They will play Kelis’ “Milkshake” as she floats on by.

    "....and here they are: a Pokemon, a toy soldier and Chicago's own OPRAH WINFREY! Retirement's never looked so good, Katie!"

  2. Thanks to the efforts of her producers, she will be reunited with her childhood friends Christopher Robin and Piglet.
  3. Invite all the things that her show spawned to take a curtain call with her: Dr. Phil, Tom Cruise and his sex-slave Katie Holmes, Maya Angelou’s corpse, Tyra Banks and her fivehead forehead, and middle-class white women dementia.
  4. In one corner: Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O’Donnell. In the other corner: Oprah Winfrey and Gail King. Bell sounds. Mud-wrestling match begins.
  5. “The Winfrey Gauntlet”–where Oprah has to run (or gallop or trot or whatever she does) through a series of physical challenges like on the old American Gladiators show, only instead of dick-eating muscle-bound “ladies” like Diamond, she’s got to face all the old talk show hosts that she’s defeated over the years. Jenny Jones shooting NERF balls at her weave. Rope-racing Phil Donahue. Arm-wrestling Ricki Lake. With color commentary by Tempest Bledsoe and Montell Williams.

    Can Oprah best both Ricki Lake AND Judge Judy in the Gauntlet????

Oprah excitedly imploring the 'razzi to "Watch this!" before pounding Stedman one to the face.

So yes. She’s got some options. And she’s got 2 Oprahs and counting before she has to decide.

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Worst Celebrity Faces: Goldie Hawn

Here we are at #9 on the latest, thrilling-est list from The Kids Don’t Get It.

Last week we started the list off with fugged-mug #10: the ghastly countenance of Bruce Jenner.

The plan was to submit another entry sooner, but constantly Googling and pasting Jenner’s aged-Ken-doll face all over my computer screen resulted in nightmarish dreams where I was strapped to a lab chair with Kim ‘dashian applying Jenner’s face to my own using her butt.

Bittersweet.

Banger Sister Goldie Hawn

Anyway, it took several days to shake that off, so Batman only knows how the rest of this list is going to impact me.

One must suffer for art I suppose.

Worst Celebrity Faces #9: Goldie Hawn

Kathleen Turner. Mimi Rogers. Goldie Hawn. That’s what my 80’s wet dreams looked like.

Kathleen Turner.

Mimi Rogers.

Goldie Hawn.

In true testimony to the time that was the 1980’s, there’s some real questionable taste there. And probably coke.

This list remained intact until several things happened:

  • Kathleen Turner’s voice only got huskier and dickly-er, eventually catching up with her physical appearance, a look that confirmed that she and Jamie Lee Curtis seemed to be drinking the same “DICK TO THE XXXXTREME” protein shakes. Seriously; nowadays she looks like Robert Downey’s older brother. This is the woman that did Romancing the Stone–yet ended-up being the World’s Hottest Voice-Over for the Who Framed Roger Rabbit? movie as Jessica Rabbit, the only cartoon character I’d consider let playing with my No. 2 pencil.
  • Mimi Rogers–well, actually, nothing bad really happened to Mimi Rogers (except, well, her consistently shit-awful movie choices), but soon the world introduced me to hotter, younger, bustier brunettes like Nigella Lawson and really, who can compete with Nigella????????

    Kurt Russell and Lady GaGa on the red carpet.

  • Goldie Hawn–oh. Oh. Oh. Goldie. I’m not quite sure what happened to GH; in movies like Private Benjamin and Wildcats she was probably the ultimate cute-hot combination. She was even still kinda cute-hot in Bird on a Wire with Mel “Screw Jews” Gibson. But then, well, she kinda disappeared from Hollywood relevancy until resurfacing with Susan Sarandon’s breasts in Banger Sisters which probably made less money than what http://www.bangbros.com (uh, I wouldn’t click that if I were you) makes in an hour. And then First Wives Club and–holy shit, I just Googled Hawn for some more info and just learned that she’s 64 years old.

I repeat: Goldie Hawn is 64 years old.

 

"Most people think we're sisters!"

But anyway–her face. Her Hollywood face.

Goldie’s face looks like it underwent a transformation that involved sitting in one of those military G-force flight simulators while being forced to watch daughter Kate Hudson’s movies.

The result? It’s like the old superstitious phrase, “step on a crack break your mother’s face”: the once-cute Private Benjamin would now have to pay someone (like say Kurt Russell) a lot of Benjamins in order to hit her private. I mean forget Banger Sisters; at this point I don’t think anyone would even bang’er face.

Maybe this is why Kate’s remained single for so long; usually a woman’s mother is a window into how the girl will look down the road.

It would appear that Kate’s window is going to remain shut for awhile.

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Worst Celebrity Faces: Bruce Jenner

This is the first entry into a fairly self-explanatory new category on The Kids.

Do we need much more introduction besides the title? Perhaps we do.

Basically, once again inspired by E! and their various combinations and assorted lists that they air whenever they’re not showing Ryan Seacrest doing something Seacrest-y on there, they play programs like “Hollywood’s 30 Hottest Bodies” or “Tinseltown’s 18 Loosest Vaginas” or “10 Black Actors You’ll Never See Again”.

Something like that.

Anyway, because they do such kewl lists, I thought it was high-time for me to enter my own lists. I started and completed one already–check out “15 Greatest Hollywood Tragedies” sometime when you should be working or talking things through with your sig other. Or you can also check out the thus-far-one-entry “Worst Pop Culture Jobs” which is coincidentally also E!-related.

So anyway; yes.

Worst.

Celebrity.

Faces.

We’re going to take a look at the collection of the most famous fugged mugs that the shiny lights, camera and action has to offer.

And we’re starting with an Olympian who’s probably seen Kim Kardashian’s butt at least once, which should have the Medusa effect on any man: hard as stone.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Bruce Jenner.

Worst Celebrity Faces #10: Bruce Jenner

You know, before Keeping Khlamydia with the Kardashians, Bruce Jenner’s name rang familiar in the same “eh, I think I’ve heard of him” sort of way that I often have when people talk about people that are famous for doing stuff that I’m not entirely clear on what they did, like Alan Greenspan or Jesus.

Anyway, from what I understand, Bruce Jenner was a two-time gold-winner in the Olympic decathlon. I’m too tired to look that up to get into “specifics” so let’s just assume it’s a video game, which would make sense because, according to Wikipedia, he won by scoring a record 8,634 points playing the Decathlon. Look; I’ve been playing video games for years–I think I can top this record just by playing Ms. Pacman.

So, after winning The Decathlon (on only 2 quarters!! Boss.), Jenner apparently disappeared for a number of years before finally resurfacing on stoopid reality shows like The Weakest Link and The Apprentice during the early ’00’s.

I’m not sure at what point he decided his face was getting too agey, but it’s painfully clear now that at some point Jenner said, “if I’m going to appear in front of the cameras again, I’d best look androgynous.”

I mean really; Bruce Jenner used to be a pretty good-lookin’ guy. Take a look:

Not bad, right? He’s got that sort of sweet, collegial Law & Order/Kennedy prep-school-sex-offender-looks to him. I mean hey, I’d do him. Even let him wear his medals and shit. Bet his decathlon’s big, too.

But then, at some point he clearly said to himself, “I need to scare the Smurf out of people”  and so, went to a doctor and said:

“Make me look beautiful.”

Unfortunately he apparently had The Simpson’s “Dr. Nick” perform the surgery: instead of restoring his youthful appearance , what he got instead was a face eerily akin to Walter Mercado, the tranny psychic on Telemundo.

I mean really, at this point Jenner doesn’t even look human; he looks like some mad scientist found a way to animate the Bruce Jenner wax figure at Madame Tussauds (he’s got one, right Rob?) sent to run treadmills and face-Smurf wife Kris Jenner.

You can imagine Kris Jenner’s surprise when she came home from shooting MILF sex films in Jacinto Valley (#14 on the Tinseltown Loosest Vaginas List) to find Bruce’s face frozen into that stupid grin.

As a result, I keep watching Keeping Khlamydia…. for the following reasons:

  1. to watch the eventual crash and burn of Chunky ‘Dash’s (Khloe Kardashian) marriage to Lamar Odom
  2. to watch the daily struggle of the youngest Kardashian girl trying not give in to all the slut vibes her mom and sisters are tossing around the house
  3. for Bruce Jenner to find his Vader helmet
  4. the night that Rob Kardashian learns he’s adopted, and then spends the season trying to bang older sis Kim
  5. for the 5th season finale where Bruce Jenner and Walter Mercado get surgically joined a la Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear so they can do the movie Stuck on Tu

Should be good, yeah? Next up: with #9, the list gets Golden.

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ESPN’s TrueHoop Gives The Kids Don’t Get It a Shout-Out

Slowly but surely the internets are catching up with the hilarity that is The Kids Don’t Get It thanks muresanto the recent coverage of the NBA season.

Thanks to Henry Abbott and his blog TrueHoop–it’s a collection of news, blogs, articles and interviews of every team in the NBA (though I’m still waiting for them to uncover what’s going on with Gheorghe Muresan)–which is a great read for those that want to be in the know with what’s going on, who’s sucking (…….), who’s hiding from Ron Artest and the ongoing debate about whether or not Phil Jackson’s really black.

You can see the awesome shout-out to The Kids Don’t Get It here:

http://espn.go.com/blog/truehoop/post/_/id/10603/friday-bullets-138

…..this calls for more NBA coverage at some point, yes?phil_jackson

(looks at recent quardillion blog hits)

Yes.

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Now Playing Near You

the-men-who-stare-at-goats-book

Goat in trouble.

It’s been a long, long time now since The Kids did a movie preview/review. Now that the MLB playoffs are over, and Jeter and A-Rod are off to make the buddy movie Jeter and Hooch, there’s room to focus in on what’s happening at the movie theater.

A brief overview for anyone new: these are movies that I haven’t actually viewed, but feel competent enough to provide a review for anyway.

And since there’s so many movies out there that The Kids didn’t get to over the last couple of weeks, you’re going to get a ton of reviews BUT I’m going to see if I can keep each one to 1-2 sentences, though there’s a Jamie Foxx movie in the mix, so it’s going to test my restraint.

There’s a ton to get through, so let’s just dispense with the pleasantries and work our slow, awful row towards the Foxx.

In Theaters Now:

  • Women in Trouble: A movie starring Carla Gugino, Emmanuelle Chriqui, and Adrianne Palicki star as call girls and porn stars. This is how agents lose their jobs, actresses lose respect, and how people like Sandra Bernhardt stay employed.
  • The Men Who Stare At Goats: George Clooney Movie #1 follows Ewan McGregor as an Iraq War reporter who is pulled into psychic military regiments where he witnesses Clooney, Kevin Spacey and Jeff Bridges do dumb shit that NPR listeners will probably find “quirky” and “satirical”. I’ve seen the trailer and concluded that I’d rather stare at Bruce Jenner’s face, a splattered bowlful of bad Mexican food or Samantha Ronson french-kissing my Nana.

    women in trouble

    Intern in trouble.

  • 2012: One of those “end-of-the-world” movies that’s probably playing on 2012 screens in your town. $2012.00 is also about how much Amanda Peet and John Cusack asked to be paid for this film.
  • Disney’s A Christmas Carol: Ah, Jim Carrey. Still working!
  • Michael Jackson’s This Is It: Not a thriller, or a bio, just some concert footage. Just more proof that when it comes to MJ, I wish the coffin contained the Black Eyed Peas’ career instead of him.
  • Law Abiding Citizen: . Fuck Foxx and his “acting”; I can play a blind dude at the piano too; wanna see? dntuerw;ing;ne;inrun;gtsngs;au. Oscar please.
  • Where the Wild Things Are: About a white kid running from the demons that he thinks are real, but are probably really in his head. Hello Every Frat Boy I’ve Met.
  • The Fantastic Mr. Fox: Clooney Movie #2 is Wes Anderson’s adaptation of a Roald Dahl’s book using stop-animation. Things I’d like to stop: Jamie Foxx’s career; Fergie; Oprah’s weight gain; Wendy William’s camel-toe face from talking.
  • Astro Boy: It’s a computer-animated retelling of the original Astro Boy, which is apparently about a 1/2 naked boy toy that flies and uses jet boots. It’s like Pinocchio except less wood and more young boy nudity–which probably means more wood for some viewers anyway. Somehow unsurprisingly, Nicholas Cage is starring in this, too.

    disney_a_christmas_carol_jim_carrey_scrooge_first_look

    Carrey in trouble (and 3-d animation).

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Earning Your NBA Part 6: The Southwest Division

And so, here we are: the final installment of The Kids Don’t Get It NBA 2009-10 Season Preview.

You can read the first 5 parts of “Earning Your NBA” by clicking the tab by the same name under “Categories”.

alg_palin_guiliani

"Ha! Bein' EVIL's GREAT! Ha!"

For a brief recap, after watching the MLB playoffs which was full of some of the fattest, cheating-est sons of bitches around–and that’s just counting Guliani sitting in the stands–I thought it was high time someone tried to drum up support for the NBA.

So I’ve done a division by division, team by team breakdown of the league. Here are some highlights:

  • The Atlantic Division: where we learned about Rasheed “Black Woodsman Cannibal” Wallace (Celtics), discovered an overweight Ben Affleck moonlighting as a PF (Knicks) and unlocked (?) A.I. Mudbutt (76ers).
  • The Central Division: Charlie Villanueva is the first Chernobyl baby to play pro ball (Pistons), Shaq’s doughnut sweat (Cavaliers) and head coach Vinnie of the Blacks (Bulls)
  • The Southeast Division: home of Hedo Turkoglu’s face (Magic), why Brendan Haywood loves riding wood (Wizards), and how the Charlotte Bobcats are destroying the African-American community.
  • The Northwest Division: where tattoos=NBA contracts (Nuggets), the 80 yr-old Greg Oden and Richard Pryor re-incarnated (Blazers),  and Utah perfects cloning Karl Malone (Jazz).
  • The Pacific Division: Pau Gasol escapes Che Guevara, Steve Nash’s pretty, pretty hair, and making love to Stephen Curry’s mom.

And now, the final division rears its head: the Southwest Division!

The Southwest Division (Houston Rockets, Dallas Mavericks, New Orleans Hornets, San Antonio Spurs, Memphis Grizzlies)

  • Houston Rockets: I lived in Houston from 2001-03. Amazing time, and by “amazing time” I mean, “thank Batman I made it back to the East Coast”. It was my own personal Escape from New York. If you have an equal love for strippers and burritos, urban sprawl and mega-malls, then Houston’s the place for you. Anyway, because I was there from 01-03, it meant that I was there to witness the very first game of Yao Ming; the much-heralded introduction of the China man that would Change the Face of the NBA (so they thought). Anyway, I knew Yao was in trouble when, while sitting in the stands for that 1st game, every time he scored or touched the ball, one of the fans around me yelled something along the lines of, “Yeah, give it to’em Jackie Chan!”….or, “open your eyes n—a!”….or even “karate kick his ass, Jet Li!”. As if this wasn’t enough, the Rockets organization–anticipating the confusion of Houstonians seeing a 7-ft-tall Chinese man (fearing someone would say, “you sure that just ain’t a brother with that Michael Jackson disease?”)–referred to yao-minghim as “Emperor Yao” and more amazingly, whenever Yao blocked a shot, hit a free throw, scored or drank Gatorade on the sideline they would make a gong sound on the overhead speakers. Amazing. I nervously waited for the day that the same marketing team would come up with the idea of having Yao bring Tracy McGrady out in a rickshaw as part of the player introductions. And poor Yao was interviewed from Day 1, initially only speaking in his native language….then eventually speaking in broken English (fitting right into the Houston scene)….then in a modified English that made him sound like an Asian Frankenstein…to his current English speech, which makes him sound closer to Marlee Matlin. At one point, the Rockets had Patrick Ewing as a big man coach, Dikembe Mutombo as back-up C for Yao and Yao Ming all under one roof–that’s 21-ft of gibberish. Want proof? Check this out.
  • Dallas Mavericks: Home of Dirk Nowitzski, the German 7-ft’er with the shooting range of Larry Bird and the face of a bad police sketch. Actually, poor Dirk is quite familiar with the police lately: his pregnant fiancee Cristal Taylor was arrested on a series of outstanding warrants and revealed to have at least 8 different aliases. When questioned by reporters, Dallas detectives commented, “we haven’t seen this many warrants and name changes since Ol Dirty Bastard”. On top of that, the Mavericks prized SF, Josh Howard, who once casually told reporters “yeah, I smoke weed occasionally”, was caught on YouTube at a flag football charity event where he said in reference to the Star Spangled Banner: “I don’t celebrate that sh-t. I’m black.” He then blew a huge cloud of weed and disappeared like a ninja.
  • New Orleans Hornets: how do you save a sinking city? With basketball of course! The N.O. Hornets have one of the league’s best PGs playing for them: Chris Paul. Paul is the energetic, quick, creative point guard that’s eva-longoria-spurs-jerseybeen likened to a young Isaiah Thomas, which is sort of like your daughter’s teacher telling you that she reminds the teacher of an “up and coming Jenna James”. Paul is flanked with Peja Stojakovic, who looks like a member of “Right Said Fred”, and Emeka Okafur, the PF/Cwho has now gone from black people-crushing Charlotte Bobcats, to black people-crushing New Orleans. This man’s life is clearly cursed.
  • San Antonio Spurs: With little-to-no star power, the Spurs have had to rely on Tony Parker’s marriage to make them talk-able to the general public. I mean sure, people know who Tim Duncan is, but Duncan’s got about as much marketing charisma as Lipitor.  Duncan’s biggest headline will be whenever he retires because it’ll be something like, “Duncan Leaving NBA to Return to Solo, Millenium Falcon”, or, “Future Hall-of-Famer Duncan Returns to Yeti Life”. To be sure, there’s other guys: the Spurs also have The Kids’ favorite Manu Ginobili, SF Richard Jefferson and the aforementioned peja073Tony Parker. But really, it all falls back on Tony Parker being married to Eva Longoria; it’s the only thing the Spurs have going for them. And how rough is that to consider? You’re a multi-championship-winning team that’s always competitive, boasts one of the greatest PF ever (Tim Duncan), full of likable guys on your roster…..yet your #1 asset is a chick that looks like she should be standing next to a concept car on a rotating stage. The mystery that is the public thinking that Eva Longoria is hot continues unresolved. America runs on Duncan.
  • Memphis Grizzlies: Pau Gasol left and was replaced by his less-talented brother, Marc Gasol who is sorta the “Khloe” to Pau’s “Kim”–or maybe Pau should be “Khloe” since they both play ball with Lamar Odom? Ah, whatever. This puts the Grizzlies into the category of “Sibling-Shared Franchises”, earning a #4 spot:lachey
  1. Brotherly Love (starring Joey Lawrence and his mutant brothers)
  2. Sweet Valley High (twins Cynthia and Brittany Daniels)
  3. Anything the Duff sisters do
  4. Memphis Grizzlies Pau/Marc Gasol
  5. Anything the Simpson sisters do (Ashley & Jessica; Maggie & Lisa)

This season, the Grizzlies have also brought Allen Iverson onto the team, after Iverson made stops in Philadelphia, Denver and Detroit–I actually think he’s trying to recreate 50-Cent’s last tour–before landing in Memphis to play for what might be the worst team in the league. I mean, sure, the Griz have Rudy Gay, Marc Gasol and Mike Conley–but they also have Allen Iverson and Zach Randolph–a man so crazed and erratic that even Isaiah Thomas let him go. I wish David Stern would create a new franchise team in some effed-up city/town like, ttetrenton bridgesay, Trenton, NJ. And then, he can start a team there that’s full of guys like this. It’d be a team with Zach Randolph at PF, Stephen Jackson at SG, Rasheed Wallace at C, Ricky Davis shooting craps mid-court and Ron Artest doing Ron Artest things like wearing a Scream mask during post-game interviews and hiding under the bleachers eating Snickers. The team would be called the Trenton City Dick-Punchers, and their mascot would be something douchey and punchable–but instantly obnoxious–like say Nick Lachey.

And so, that completes our Kids Don’t Get It NBA 2009-10 Season Preview (an abrupt ending, I know). Guess to make this worth something reportable, I should make some predictions for the season. Ok, here goes:

  • MVP: Hedo Turkoglu’s Face
  • Coach of the Year: Mikhail Prokhoro (Russian Mafia-assisted)
  • GM of the Year: Mikhail Prokhorov
  • Rookie of the Year: Mikhail Prokhorov (Russian Mafia-assisted)
  • 6th Man of the Year: Dirk’s ex-fiancee’, baby
  • Defensive Player of the Year: Ron Artest’s teeth; Stephen Jackson’s gun (tie)

There you go. Jump-ball has already started on the season, so you’d best get to watching.

The NBA: Where Magic Johnson happens.

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Earning Your NBA Part 5: The Pacific Division

We’re down to the final two Divisions in our weeks-long NBA 2009-10 Season Preview.nba-logo

It’s been a rather fun, special ride, hasn’t it?

Are you just logging onto The Kids for the first time? Maybe just catching up with the blog after getting released from Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew? Well then, be sure to read Parts 1-4 of “Earning Your NBA”. In the previous installments we cover everything from the Denver Eastern Promises to Hedo Turkoglu’s Face, to answering the question, “Greg Oden: Man or Negro Tree?”.

In this penultimate installment of The Kids Don’t Get It Earning Your NBA: A Preview of the 2009-10 NBA Season (I’m trying to create longer and longer titles for special features like this), we’ll throw more questions at you, more funny, and quite possibly more sex for those out there that need it.

Now, let’s do this.

The Pacific Division (LA Lakers, Phoenix Suns, LA Clippers, Sacramento Kings, Golden State Warriors):

  • LA Lakers: How’s this team ever going to do press conferences? The NBA Championship LA Lakers have Pau Gasol–who looks like he just escaped from a Central American drug war jungle prison, Ron Artest–a man who probably fucks and eats lions for sport and Lamar Odom–who manages to get into the treasured Kardashian camp and walks away with the chunky, crazy one. WTF. There’s no way that Lakers’ owner Jerry Buss is going to let a single one of these fools talk; Pau’s going to recount his days living off of monkey meat and recording his thoughts on guava leaves or some shit; Ron’s going to talk about the bad rap that cannibalism gets, and Lamar Odom’s going to discuss what it’s like to make love to your wife, dreaming of your sister-in-law the entire time, and how weird it is to be in the same room with Bruce Jenner’s face. Which leaves Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson to talk, and that’s not the best scenario either since either one’s liable to be sleeping with your daughter.

    Rockets Lakers Basketball

    I DONT CARE WHAT THEY MITE SAY. I LOVE U. JUST HEAR ME OUT. I LOVE U. THIS IS RIGHT.

  • Phoenix Suns: Or as I like to call them, “The Canadians” since PG Steve Nash is about the only person on the team that people are most likely to know/recognize. You know Steve Nash, right? Nash is the proud owner of the prettiest head of hair in the NBA. It’s true. During time-outs and team huddles last year, Shaq could be routinely seen brushing Nash’s hair. And the Suns have Alvin Gentry as their head coach; a guy who combines the look of a 1920’s Black Kansas City gangster and Joe Jackson. Oh, and All-Star PF Amare Stoudemire, who looks the world’s biggest welder thanks to the basketball goggles he’s wearing this season. All Stoudemire needs are shorty-shorts and a YMCA gym and he’d be a middle-aged white man.

     

    steve nash

    Maybe he's born with it? Or maybe it's Maybeline.

  • LA Clippers: The Clippers have to share their space with the Lakers. They’re the only professional franchise squatters to be found; every time the Lakers are on the road, the Clippers rush in and take over the place, pulling up the carpet, opening their Laker drawers, raiding their Laker fridge, wearing their Laker underwear. And they’ve been cursed with a series of bizarre injuries over the years to nearly every franchise player that’s come their way, starting with Ron Harper and ending most recently with the following injuries: Elton Brand (out 2/3 season with a shoulder injury a couple of seasons ago), Baron Davis (just joined last season and then as soon as he showed up his left nut exploded or something) and then this season’s super-high draft pick Blake Griffin–his legs fell off once he signed his contract. They’ve even got squatter-level celebrities; while the Lakers have the likes of Jack “Old Scratch” Nicholson and Jessica Alba; the Clippers have funny man Penny Marshall and lesbian Billy Crystal. Wait, is that right? I get them confused.

     

    amare-goggles-phoenix-suns

    Amare wears goggles to prevent his heat vision from destroying people around him.

  • Sacramento Kings: Like most things involving sacks (NFL, potatos, the dangly-things under your wang) the SACramento Kings are painful to watch in action, virtually untouchable and occasionally on your face. Huh? The Kings were never the same after they lost to the LA Lakers in the Western Conference Finals back in 01-02 in a game that was so fixed I thought it was endorsed by Bob Barker. Chris Webber’s knees and passion to live left him, as evidenced by his departure to play for the 76ers and date Tyra Banks, and years later, the Kings had Ron Artest, and his experience was so bizarre it robbed him of his insanity long enough for the Rockets to be wooed into taking him–and then subsequently let him go to the Lakers a year later once they discovered he spent his nights sleeping in teammates’ lockers. Anyway, nowadays the Kings, who are owned by the Maloof Brothers, are a total, dismal joke, unable to attract any real talent or maintain its once-rabid fanbase. This wouldn’t surprise you if you knew that the Maloofs once let MTV use their hotel/penthouse floor for an entire season of Real World: Las Vegas. I thought about doing a follow-up joke to this fact, but really, do I need to say anything more?
  • Golden State Warriors: The Warriors are anything but. They’re a team composed of Stephen Jackson, a guy so crazy that he’s listed as one of Ron Artest’s “top friends” on Facebook–and Don Nelson, who looks like he should be the Prime Minister for Russia. This is a team that loves to shoot a lot, and are dedicated to it, too: Don Nelson’s coaching style calls for the team to launch shots with reckless abandon–perfect for Stephen Jackson! Jackson’s been so dedicated to this new system, he practices after hours too. In the parking lot of strip clubs. The world’s your gym when you’ve got a beretta! Sadly, the league banned their players from using Twitter during the season, otherwise we’d get these exchanges between Jackson and Artest:

     

    jacksontat1

    "I made this one for God, because God likes bullets and shit."

stevejaxshots @rartest: what u up to, ron?

rartest@ stevejaxshots: watchin’ gossip girls eatin funions, tattooing myself. u?

stevejaxshots @rartest: wanna go shoot something? i’m supposed to do an appearance at a local hs in an hr for nba reads

rartest @stevejaxshots: hm, k…can we stop by porn shop tho? i need to start x-mas shopping. local hs? they’ll shoot u!

stevejaxshots @rartest: not if i shoot them 1st lolz!

 

curry

The Warriors are happy to announce that Sonya Curry will be in our stands this season!

What could have been. Anyway, the Warriors also have young PG Monta Ellis, who sounds like an island getaway. “Come to beautiful Monta Ellis; preferred prison colony of NBA’s Stephen Jackson!”. This year, the Warriors drafted Stephen Curry, son of former NBA player Dell Curry. Besides his sweet shooting stroke, Curry Jr. also wins the award for the Hottest NBA Player’s Mom thanks to his mother, Sonya Curry. My goal is to befriend young Stephen–maybe trade comic books with him, or watch Spongebob–and get invited over to his parents’ house for a sleepover, and then get up early in the morning and ask Sonya Curry for breast milk, hold the milk. Or say, “man, this dinner’s really awesome, Mrs. C–but it’d be great with a little Curry on the side. And by “on the side” I mean “in my sleeping bag tonight after Stephen and I watch The Phantom Menace. He’ll be sleep by 10. I’ll leave the zipper down for you.”

Hey, you know who else has a sweet shooting stroke and loves hot moms? Stephen Jackson! That should be a Bay Area night radio show: Late Night Sweet Shots with Stephen Jackson

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