Part 1 came out the other day, looking at the NBA’s Atlantic Division: composed of the diseased 76ers, the Celtics’ 12 Angry (Black) Men, and Russian mob tactics at the NJ Nets training camp. Oh, and Hedo Turkoglu’s face.
This edition gives takes a look at the Central Division, home to LeBron James and a load of shitty teams.
Central Division (Indiana Pacers, Detroit Pistons, Cleveland Cavaliers, Chicago Bulls, and Milwaukee Bucks)
- Detroit Pistons: Hasn’t Detroit suffered enough lately? Between the mortgage and the auto industry crises, Detroit’s been hit harder than a Lions QB the last couple of years. And now, similar to the city they represent, the Pistons, once the toast of the NBA, is now something resembling those burnt little bits of bread that falls out of your toaster. Or something like that. Anyway, the Pistons’ roster is now an assemblage of freaks and castoffs. There’s Kwame Brown, who was first, Michael Jordan’s disappointing #1 pick when he was a GM for the Wizards and played alongside him a bit. Then, he got shipped off to the Lakers where he was surrounded by Kobe and Phil Jackson. Jordan, Kobe, Phil Jackson–most urologists don’t find themselves around that many dicks. Throw in Charlie Villanueva–who, with no eyebrows and a bald head resembles “Powder”, and you’ve no longer got to wonder why long-time Piston Rip Hamilton looks like he’s trying out for The Soloist.
- Indiana Pacers:….were the other team involved in the infamous “Malice at the Palace” brawl between the Pistons and the Pacers. Once the dust settled, the Pacers took a look around and said, “we’ve got to get these crazy mofos out of here”. Their roster at the time included Ron Artest (butt-sick crazy), Jamaal Tinsley (too fat to fight, but loves the weed) and Stephen Jackson who is 2nd to only Pacman Jones on the Last Dude You Want To Go Clubbing With list (with Stephon Marbury being #3). But yes, the Pacers have since had a makeover, gentrification style. Replacing Ron Artest? Mike Dunleavy! Standing in for Stephen Jackson? Troy Murphy! Along with Jeff Foster and Tyler Hansborough, the Pacers have done a total 180, going from the Wu-Tang Clan to 98 Degrees. Larry Bird says that they’re going after “character” guys now–nice guys that won’t smack ho’s and pro’s or stomp the scrotums of spectators. Yeah, but you know what? Basketball teams made up of “character” guys are like the big girl with the “nice personality”; fun to talk to, but the whole time you know they’re never going to really score.
- Cleveland Cavaliers: Team 1 Man just got more one-r (?) this season: to add some extra playoff and championship muscle to try and win it all this season, the Cavaliers management went out and got Shaquille O’Neal. At 37 yrs old and about 500 lbs, Shaquille is the “America” they’re referring to when they say, “America runs on Dunkin”. At this stage of his career, I think Shaq sweats cinnamon buns just giving interviews. And he’s supposed to help LeOverrated win a championship? Smurf Seth McFarlane; this is the real Cleveland Show. I mean really; who says, “you know what our team needs to win a c’ship? An overweight, cross-eyed giant that couldn’t run if he was being taint-tasered at this point!”….and yet the idea of Shaq playing with NBA uber-stud LeBron James is still funnier than anything that Family Guy has done in years. Shaq joins teammates Zydrunas, Jamario and Lebron to complete a roster that sounds like it’s made up of ghetto alien warriors.
- Chicago Bulls: Instead of Mike Jordan, they have point guard Derrick Rose. Instead of Phil Jackson, they have head coach Vinny Del Negro–because of his name translation, I call him “Vinnie of the Blacks”– since leading the Bulls. Anyway, Vinnie of the Blacks leads a team composed almost entirely of 20-somethings, making the Bulls not only one of the youngest teams in the league, but also the team voted Most Likely To Start a Rap Label/Cameo in a Lil Wayne Video in the NBA Yearbook. Fun fact: wanna know who was voted Most Likely To Accidentally Get Emails From the NAACP? Vinnie Del Negro. Vinnie of the Blacks reminds me of one of my favorite jokes:
Q: What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?
- Milwaukee Bucks: Most people could probably name, or at least say “oh yeah; I’ve heard of him” about the franchise player on most NBA teams. Dwyane Wade? Steve Nash? Chris Paul? Most likely you know those names, or you’re at least familiar with them if you follow sports at all. But the Milwaukee Bucks’ Micheal Redd? His name probably sooner conjures up images of Fred Sanford than NBA superstar. Needless to say, Redd’s not in Wade’s T-Mobile Top 5; hell, he probably isn’t in Juwanna Man’s Top 5. Plus, it’s cold in Milwaukee. I mean cold. Perhaps the most amazing thing about Redd’s career aren’t his impressive numbers while playing in Milwaukee; it’s the fact that he’s not in the daily blotter for shooting someone, or done something crazy, like erected a climate-controlled bio-dome to simulate Miami, FL complete with all the chicks from Pitbull’s “Calle Ocho” video. There’s nothing crueler than placing a black guy in the cold with lots of money and even more weird white people. It’s like a horror movie. As a matter of fact, I only know two people who enjoyed such conditions: Karl Malone and a black guy from Denver I went to college with. Malone was so happy, he even became a mailman for the Mormons, and my college bud was so warped being in regular temps around regular colored people, he needed to keep a shaman’s pouch around his neck. I never saw its contents, but I’m pretty sure it had Colorado snowflakes, a pic of his mom in a parka, and some Dave Matthews lyrics. Something like that.