Aaaaand here we are: Part 3 of The Kids Don’t Get It‘s first-ever NBA season preview; a division-by-division, team-by-team analysis of the who’s and what’s on your NBA teams. You can read the first two installments here and here or by going to the “Earning Your NBA 09-10″ tab in the right-hand corner. If you haven’t done so already, do please read them: the previous installments have breakdowns that are harsher than Goldie Hawn’s face.
Let’s continue by getting crunked (do people still say that? I’m not sure. But do you remember when everyone was talking about getting “crunked”? And they had “crunk clown posses” and shit like that? God we’re so stupid sometimes.) by going down to the Southeast Division, home to the Eastern Conference Champion Magic.
And if you think the name “Magic” is lame, wait til you read about the Southeast Division.
Southeast Division (Orlando Magic, Washington Wizards, Atlanta Hawks, Charlotte Bobcats, Miami Heat):
- Orlando Magic: There in the heart of Disneyworld, beats the heart of the Orlando….Magic. “Hey Kids–WTF’s a ‘Magic’?”, you ask? Good question. I mean, I can picture a Hawk, I can picture a Bull–I can even picture a Knick (only because it’s short for “knickerbockers” and because if you shorten that to, say, “knickers” and say that out loud–“Hey Jamal, did you see the Knickers last night?”, you’ll suddenly want to just say “Knicks” but still have a mental image and a bloody nose.)–but I can’t picture a “Magic”. When I do, I just picture fairy dust. Or “Gob” from Arrested Development. Anyway, last off-season the Magic got rid of Hedo Turkoglu’s face–opposing players constantly confused him with Dopey Dwarf–and picked up Vince Carter, a guy that was once
referred to as “Half Man, Half Amazing” but based on recent years’ play, I’m calling him “Half-Assed”. Carter has spent his pro years playing for the Toronto Raptors and then with the now-Russian-owned New Jersey Nets Nyets before finally getting traded to become a Magic alongside of workhorse Dwight Howard. Can a workhorse and a 1/2 ass win a championship together? Now that’d be Magic.
- Washington Wizards: The Wizards are the “Kim Kardshian/Paris Hilton” team of the league–lots of people know them, but they’ve not done much to warrant the attention they’ve gotten. Plus, I think they have herpes. Anyway, the Wizards are more famous for their off-court exploits in the media, than on. Take 7-ft’er Brendan Haywood for example. No really, take him. He sucks. But really, take Haywood: he got a lot of press this summer for his anti-gay remarks which is funny, because if anything seems queer, it’s an NBA team continuing to sign a 7-ft guy who only averages 7pts and 6 rebounds a game–Heath Ledger could pull down more boards than this guy, and he’s 6 feet under. Anyway, there’s Haywood and there’s also Gilbert Arenas, who used to have the NBA’s/celebrity world’s best blog, but has instead decided to focus on basketball. How novel! Both Haywood and Arenas were out for more than 50% of the season last year, meaning that they spent more time on the bench than being on court. I hope they play more this season; if they keep riding the wood that much, people will talk.
- Altanta Hawks: Ah; Atlanta, GA. The original Chocolate City. Until about 2-3 years ago, the Atlanta Hawks lived up to that title, too. No, I don’t mean in terms of black people. I mean that they played like the “other” chocolate: sh-t. Nowadays, a lot of that has changed, though, as the the Hawks have become a legit playoff team in the East. Led by alliteratively-named superstar Joe Johnson, the Hawks are another one of the young guns in the NBA like the Bulls. Different than the Bulls team though, is that the Hawks are co-captained by veteran PG Mike Bibby–a guy who shoots more than Peter North.
- Charlotte Bobcats: The Bobcats have the unique distinction of being the team that’s run by Mike Jordan. It should also be noted that the Bobcats also have the dubious distinction of being the team that everyone assumes should be playing in Division III college ball instead. The ‘cats have been mired in a losing quagmire since David Stern gave birth to them in 2004. Couple that with having MJ at the reins of your team–this being the guy that sounded like the old WB Frog when he gave his Hall of Fame speech–and you know that you’re headed for rough waters. The Bobcats were founded/owned by former BET CEO Robert Johnson which should’ve been a red flag right there: to date, the Charrlotte Bobcats and Black Entertainment Television hold the #’s 2 and 3 spots on Yahoo’s! Franchises That Have Damaged Blacks the Most list, just look:
Yahoo’s! Franchises That Have Damaged Blacks the Most List:
- The Republican Party
- The Charlotte Bobcats
- Wendy Williams
- state lotteries
- (tie) Olde English/St. Ides/Colt 45
- Miami Heat: Much like the “Magic” earlier on in this post, I can’t quite picture what a “Heat” is. I think it helps though, if you put the word “Miami” in front of it, because then, well, you can picture all sorts of hot, illegal Cubans, running the streets screaming Spanish obscenities and passing out cigars. I’ve never been to Miami–like Vegas, any place that’s on P. Diddy’s hanging out list is probably somewhere I don’t want to
be–but I’ve got to imagine it’s an insane place to be if you’re young and rich and a celeb–it’s the exact opposite of Mike Redd’s situation in Milwaukee. It’s not surprising that after winning Finals MVP and the 2006 NBA Championship that Dwyane Wade missed most of the next season with a “groin pull” injury. I researched “NBA groin pulls” and after getting directed to Tyra Banks’ website several times (weird) I found that LA Lakers and Miami Heat players have suffered a disproportionate amount of groin pulls while playing on those teams versus any other franchises–except the guys that find themselves playing in NJ or alongside of Marbury, because you’re aware of how bad you’ve really f-cked yourself at that point. In addition to D.Wade, the Heat also have long-time F/C Udonis Haslem, who sounds like a muscle in your leg, like “D. Wade’s out with a strained udonis haslem”.