“I want a piano to fall on Alicia Keys and put an end to her musical career.”
I uttered these words to some co-workers one day, and I do not regret them.
I never will.
I’ve tried to like Keys; I mean, if her thighs and Beyonce’s were to engage in a sumo match, Keys’ would pin those suckers faster’n you could say “Jay-Z”. But as longtime followers of The Kids…will note, The Kids…doesn’t support the presence, artistry, or general shittery of Alicia Keys. Her voice is the kind of voice that you hear at churches, community talent shows and state penn conjugal visit trailers—if it’s really loud, it’s really good, right?
As a matter of fact, here’s a brief list of things that The Kids…would sooner support instead of Alicia Keys:
- sex trafficking
- the GOP
- overnight stays at the Hotel Rwanda
- fire-branding your children
That’s about it. Alicia Keys would probably fall somewhere very, very low on the list; just beneath”watching zombies devour my mother” and a smidge above “drinking lemonade from an R. Kelly lemonade stand”.
Hey, here’s a quick fun quiz for you. The following are examples of Keys’ lyrics and some random teenage poetry that found. Spot the real Keys lyrics and which one is the teen poetry. No Googling to help you out, either.
Lay your head on my pillow
Here you can be yourself
No one has to know what you are feelin’
No one but me and you
Only we know what is talked about, baby boy
I don’t know how you could be driving me so crazy
Baby when you’re in town
Why don’t you come around?
I’ll be the loyalty you need
You can trust me
all at once…
i had it all but
it doesn’t mean anything
now that you’re gone
from above seems i had it all
but it doesn’t mean anything
since you’re gone
You cannot hide the way you feel inside I realize
Your actions speak much louder than words
So tell me why oh
By now I should know that
That in time things would change
So it shouldn’t be it shouldn’t be so bad
So why do I feel so sad
Ok. Done. Finished. Pencils down.
Example #1…..Alicia Keys lyrics
Example #2….Alicia Keys lyrics
Example #3…..Alicia Keys lyrics
There you go, suckers. All that shit was from the pen of the piano-playing, scrotum-splitting voice of the mediocre Keys. Hers is the stuff of My So-Called Talent Life. I mean really; the only people who’ll find such lyrics deep are high school dropouts, Hallmark employees and pedophiles. Those lyrics read like an open diary on That’s So Raven!.
And if that wasn’t enough, Alicia Keys turned her brand-name shitness into a lecture series at NYU, UCLA–a move that swiftly reduced both institutions’ ranking in the U.S News & World Report College Rankings list, just look:
766. Hogwarts (House of Slytherin Campus)
767. Lincoln Tech, (Columbia, MD campus)
768. University of Phoenix (any campus)
769. Towson University
Her lecture series, “The Elements of Freedom” (sponsored by Proactiv), “coincidentally” shares the same name of her upcoming album due out in December.
Let’s hear it for NY, huh?