All the Wrong Keys

“I want a piano to fall on Alicia Keys and put an end to her musical career.”

I uttered these words to some co-workers one day, and I do not regret them.

burning piano

Keys gives a burning sensation.

I never will.

I’ve tried to like Keys; I mean, if her thighs and Beyonce’s were to engage in a sumo match, Keys’ would pin those suckers faster’n you could say “Jay-Z”. But as longtime followers of The Kids…will note, The Kids…doesn’t support the presence, artistry, or general shittery of Alicia Keys. Her voice is the kind of voice that you hear at churches, community talent shows and state penn conjugal visit trailers—if it’s really loud, it’s really good, right?

As a matter of fact, here’s a brief list of things that The Kids…would sooner support instead of Alicia Keys:

  1. sex trafficking
  2. the GOP
  3. overnight stays at the Hotel Rwanda
  4. lynching
  5. Applebee’s
  6. fire-branding your children

That’s about it. Alicia Keys would probably fall somewhere very, very low on the list; just beneath”watching zombies devour my mother” and a smidge above “drinking lemonade from an R. Kelly lemonade stand”.

Hey, here’s a quick fun quiz for you. The following are examples of Keys’ lyrics and some random teenage poetry that found.  Spot the real Keys lyrics and which one is the teen poetry. No Googling to help you out, either.

Example #1:


...and when you put her out, she smokes! So diva like!

Lay your head on my pillow
Here you can be yourself
No one has to know what you are feelin’
No one but me and you

Only we know what is talked about, baby boy
I don’t know how you could be driving me so crazy
Baby when you’re in town
Why don’t you come around?
I’ll be the loyalty you need
You can trust me

Example #2:

all at once…
i had it all but
it doesn’t mean anything
now that you’re gone
from above seems i had it all
but it doesn’t mean anything
since you’re gone

Example #3

You cannot hide the way you feel inside I realize
Your actions speak much louder than words
So tell me why oh

By now I should know that
That in time things would change
So it shouldn’t be it shouldn’t be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

Ok. Done. Finished. Pencils down.

The results:

Example #1…..Alicia Keys lyrics

Example #2….Alicia Keys lyrics

Example #3…..Alicia Keys lyrics

There you go, suckers. All that shit was from the pen of the piano-playing, scrotum-splitting voice of the mediocre Keys. Hers is the stuff of My So-Called Talent Life. I mean really; the only people who’ll find such lyrics deep are high school dropouts,  Hallmark employees and pedophiles. Those lyrics read like an open diary on That’s So Raven!.


Clive Davis' own living legend, Alicia Keys

And if that wasn’t enough, Alicia Keys turned her brand-name shitness into a lecture series at NYU, UCLA–a move that swiftly reduced both institutions’ ranking in the U.S News & World Report College Rankings list, just look:

766. Hogwarts (House of Slytherin Campus)

767. Lincoln Tech, (Columbia, MD campus)

768. UCLA

768. University of Phoenix (any campus)

769. Towson University

770. NYU

Her lecture series,  “The Elements of Freedom” (sponsored by Proactiv), “coincidentally” shares the same name of her upcoming album due out in December.

Let’s hear it for NY, huh?



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7 responses to “All the Wrong Keys

  1. Willie Nelson Mandela

    I LOVED the reference to Lincoln Tech in Columbia! I live about a mile from there. What really got me laughing was that Hogwarts ranked higher. You are a comic genius my friend!

  2. rob_sawyer

    “Reads like an open diary to Thats So Raven.”

    That was rich!

  3. Irvin

    I don’t understand how one can say this about a woman who has one 13 Grammy Awards (so far) and 11 other nods, 3 world music awards, and 5 AMA’s, and those are just a few of her groundbreaking achievements. I don’t think it’s fair to say this about her songwriting, because a lot of other critically acclaimed songwriters’ lyrics look just the same way when actually written down and dissected in such cynical fashion… and also, those were EXCERPTS of her songs, not the whole songs. You might have even just taken the worst parts of some of her songs and passed them off as a representation of her body of work, in fact one of the songs you used, Diary, is Grammy nominated in itself. You don’t always have to have a flawless voice to be considered great, and her voice isn’t even the generic church voice in the first place,you might be thinking of Melanie Fiona or Fantasia, but I doubt Alicia is even known for her riffs and runs or melismas, more for her melodies, and yes, songwriting….The lynching and R. Kelly references were random and in bad taste as well… How odious do you have to be to not like Alicia Keys? She’s never tried to use sex to sell, always been a forward thinking visionary in R&B, and is a very involved humanitarian/philanthropist…jeez

  4. Irvin

    nice piano pic by the way, my new wallpaper

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