Before we start Part 4 of the NBA, a word from our sponsors:
Smurf the Yankees.
Ok, now that that’s out of the way, let’s continue with The Kids Don’t Get It NBA 09-10 Season Preview: an in-depth look at each NBA team this season, The Kids style: high on hilarity, low on substance. Sort of like Barack’s presidency so far.
Ok, whatevs, let’s do this!
….and here’s cuatro.
Northwest Division (Denver, Oklahoma City, Portland, Utah, Minnesota)
- Denver Nuggets: The Denver Nuggets are the All-Tattoo team of the NBA. I mean, there’s a lot of people in the league with tattoos–even Commissioner David Stern has a tramp-stamp that says “KOBE BEEF” with a
down-arrow–but the Nuggets probably take the cake. There’s the two biggest offenders: JR Smith and Chris Anderson. JR Smith is a guy so covered in ink he’s black by default. Then there’s Chris “Birdman” Anderson, who looks like he spends his weekend chasing colored kids away from his trailer. Together these boys look like they should have been cast in Eastern Promises. Anyway, the Nuggets drafted Baltimore’s own Carmelo Anthony to be their franchise star, and for the last 6 years, Carmelo’s had to deal with not only his Eastern Promises teammates, but going from Charm City–home of Ray Lewis Shanking Club–to one of the worst Real World locations ever. And his wife is named “La-La”. Does that seem fair? I guess it must be fun to at least say “I’m in La-La…….land.”
- Oklahoma City Thunder: Annie get your gun–there’s NBA playas on the loose! The Oklahoma City Thunder were originally the Seattle Supersonics–through a series of mishandlings and poor planning–with a healthy dose of evilness–they were displaced and relocated faster than you can say “Katrina”. The Oklahoma City Thunder are led by Kevin Durant, who is about as muscular as Olive Oyl–but smooth as a baby’s behind. Because they’re a new team though, and extremely young, the Thunder have been pretty bad since moving to OKC. Last season the OKC Thunder only won 23 games out of a possible 82, giving them a win % of .280 and enough losses to win “Prized Pig” on NBC’s Biggest Loser. This year, they’re projected to win more games, but even if they don’t, they at least have a cute personality.
- Portland Trailblazers: are one of the youngest teams in the NBA. Or so it would seem. Upon closer look though, the ‘Blazers are getting older, and weirder. Sure, you have young’un Brandon Roy–he’s the team’s
leader and franchise player–and you have LaMarcus “I have to be in the NBA with this name” Aldridge at PF. But then the Blazers made two decidedly un-youthful moves over the last couple of seasons. First, they got Greg Oden who is supposedly a 21-yr-old 7-ft’er from Ohio State, yet strangely looks like a cross between a Tree Ent from the Lord of the Rings, and a black Benjamin Buttons. When man discovered fire, Oden was
the one rubbing the sticks. Then, this off-season they signed former 76ers PG, Andre Miller, who I’m trying to collect DNA samples from to prove that someone’s actually cloned Richard Pryor and asked him to run point. All this and a town of self-righteous hippies who’d rather listen to NPR make this Portland team one to watch.
- Utah Jazz: Next to Milwaukee, Utah, specifically Salt Lake City, must be the
worst possible place to end up if you’re a young black NBA stud. Actually I think it might be worse just because they’ve got Mormons there. And once Karl Malone retired, not only did the state’s black population decrease 100%, the time there scarred him so much he’s living in the woods now! Nowadays the Jazz have PG Deron Williams and PF Carlos Boozer, though fans like to interchangeably call them “Karl Malone”. And by “like to” I mean “they think he’s still
playing”. Because there’s so few blacks there. And because they’re a whole lot of white people.