And so, here we are: the final installment of The Kids Don’t Get It NBA 2009-10 Season Preview.
You can read the first 5 parts of “Earning Your NBA” by clicking the tab by the same name under “Categories”.
For a brief recap, after watching the MLB playoffs which was full of some of the fattest, cheating-est sons of bitches around–and that’s just counting Guliani sitting in the stands–I thought it was high time someone tried to drum up support for the NBA.
So I’ve done a division by division, team by team breakdown of the league. Here are some highlights:
- The Atlantic Division: where we learned about Rasheed “Black Woodsman Cannibal” Wallace (Celtics), discovered an overweight Ben Affleck moonlighting as a PF (Knicks) and unlocked (?) A.I. Mudbutt (76ers).
- The Central Division: Charlie Villanueva is the first Chernobyl baby to play pro ball (Pistons), Shaq’s doughnut sweat (Cavaliers) and head coach Vinnie of the Blacks (Bulls)
- The Southeast Division: home of Hedo Turkoglu’s face (Magic), why Brendan Haywood loves riding wood (Wizards), and how the Charlotte Bobcats are destroying the African-American community.
- The Northwest Division: where tattoos=NBA contracts (Nuggets), the 80 yr-old Greg Oden and Richard Pryor re-incarnated (Blazers), and Utah perfects cloning Karl Malone (Jazz).
- The Pacific Division: Pau Gasol escapes Che Guevara, Steve Nash’s pretty, pretty hair, and making love to Stephen Curry’s mom.
And now, the final division rears its head: the Southwest Division!
The Southwest Division (Houston Rockets, Dallas Mavericks, New Orleans Hornets, San Antonio Spurs, Memphis Grizzlies)
- Houston Rockets: I lived in Houston from 2001-03. Amazing time, and by “amazing time” I mean, “thank Batman I made it back to the East Coast”. It was my own personal Escape from New York. If you have an equal love for strippers and burritos, urban sprawl and mega-malls, then Houston’s the place for you. Anyway, because I was there from 01-03, it meant that I was there to witness the very first game of Yao Ming; the much-heralded introduction of the China man that would Change the Face of the NBA (so they thought). Anyway, I knew Yao was in trouble when, while sitting in the stands for that 1st game, every time he scored or touched the ball, one of the fans around me yelled something along the lines of, “Yeah, give it to’em Jackie Chan!”….or, “open your eyes n—a!”….or even “karate kick his ass, Jet Li!”. As if this wasn’t enough, the Rockets organization–anticipating the confusion of Houstonians seeing a 7-ft-tall Chinese man (fearing someone would say, “you sure that just ain’t a brother with that Michael Jackson disease?”)–referred to him as “Emperor Yao” and more amazingly, whenever Yao blocked a shot, hit a free throw, scored or drank Gatorade on the sideline they would make a gong sound on the overhead speakers. Amazing. I nervously waited for the day that the same marketing team would come up with the idea of having Yao bring Tracy McGrady out in a rickshaw as part of the player introductions. And poor Yao was interviewed from Day 1, initially only speaking in his native language….then eventually speaking in broken English (fitting right into the Houston scene)….then in a modified English that made him sound like an Asian Frankenstein…to his current English speech, which makes him sound closer to Marlee Matlin. At one point, the Rockets had Patrick Ewing as a big man coach, Dikembe Mutombo as back-up C for Yao and Yao Ming all under one roof–that’s 21-ft of gibberish. Want proof? Check this out.
- Dallas Mavericks: Home of Dirk Nowitzski, the German 7-ft’er with the shooting range of Larry Bird and the face of a bad police sketch. Actually, poor Dirk is quite familiar with the police lately: his pregnant fiancee Cristal Taylor was arrested on a series of outstanding warrants and revealed to have at least 8 different aliases. When questioned by reporters, Dallas detectives commented, “we haven’t seen this many warrants and name changes since Ol Dirty Bastard”. On top of that, the Mavericks prized SF, Josh Howard, who once casually told reporters “yeah, I smoke weed occasionally”, was caught on YouTube at a flag football charity event where he said in reference to the Star Spangled Banner: “I don’t celebrate that sh-t. I’m black.” He then blew a huge cloud of weed and disappeared like a ninja.
- New Orleans Hornets: how do you save a sinking city? With basketball of course! The N.O. Hornets have one of the league’s best PGs playing for them: Chris Paul. Paul is the energetic, quick, creative point guard that’s been likened to a young Isaiah Thomas, which is sort of like your daughter’s teacher telling you that she reminds the teacher of an “up and coming Jenna James”. Paul is flanked with Peja Stojakovic, who looks like a member of “Right Said Fred”, and Emeka Okafur, the PF/Cwho has now gone from black people-crushing Charlotte Bobcats, to black people-crushing New Orleans. This man’s life is clearly cursed.
- San Antonio Spurs: With little-to-no star power, the Spurs have had to rely on Tony Parker’s marriage to make them talk-able to the general public. I mean sure, people know who Tim Duncan is, but Duncan’s got about as much marketing charisma as Lipitor. Duncan’s biggest headline will be whenever he retires because it’ll be something like, “Duncan Leaving NBA to Return to Solo, Millenium Falcon”, or, “Future Hall-of-Famer Duncan Returns to Yeti Life”. To be sure, there’s other guys: the Spurs also have The Kids’ favorite Manu Ginobili, SF Richard Jefferson and the aforementioned Tony Parker. But really, it all falls back on Tony Parker being married to Eva Longoria; it’s the only thing the Spurs have going for them. And how rough is that to consider? You’re a multi-championship-winning team that’s always competitive, boasts one of the greatest PF ever (Tim Duncan), full of likable guys on your roster…..yet your #1 asset is a chick that looks like she should be standing next to a concept car on a rotating stage. The mystery that is the public thinking that Eva Longoria is hot continues unresolved. America runs on Duncan.
- Memphis Grizzlies: Pau Gasol left and was replaced by his less-talented brother, Marc Gasol who is sorta the “Khloe” to Pau’s “Kim”–or maybe Pau should be “Khloe” since they both play ball with Lamar Odom? Ah, whatever. This puts the Grizzlies into the category of “Sibling-Shared Franchises”, earning a #4 spot:
- Brotherly Love (starring Joey Lawrence and his mutant brothers)
- Sweet Valley High (twins Cynthia and Brittany Daniels)
- Anything the Duff sisters do
- Memphis Grizzlies Pau/Marc Gasol
- Anything the Simpson sisters do (Ashley & Jessica; Maggie & Lisa)
This season, the Grizzlies have also brought Allen Iverson onto the team, after Iverson made stops in Philadelphia, Denver and Detroit–I actually think he’s trying to recreate 50-Cent’s last tour–before landing in Memphis to play for what might be the worst team in the league. I mean, sure, the Griz have Rudy Gay, Marc Gasol and Mike Conley–but they also have Allen Iverson and Zach Randolph–a man so crazed and erratic that even Isaiah Thomas let him go. I wish David Stern would create a new franchise team in some effed-up city/town like, ttesay, Trenton, NJ. And then, he can start a team there that’s full of guys like this. It’d be a team with Zach Randolph at PF, Stephen Jackson at SG, Rasheed Wallace at C, Ricky Davis shooting craps mid-court and Ron Artest doing Ron Artest things like wearing a Scream mask during post-game interviews and hiding under the bleachers eating Snickers. The team would be called the Trenton City Dick-Punchers, and their mascot would be something douchey and punchable–but instantly obnoxious–like say Nick Lachey.
And so, that completes our Kids Don’t Get It NBA 2009-10 Season Preview (an abrupt ending, I know). Guess to make this worth something reportable, I should make some predictions for the season. Ok, here goes:
- MVP: Hedo Turkoglu’s Face
- Coach of the Year: Mikhail Prokhoro (Russian Mafia-assisted)
- GM of the Year: Mikhail Prokhorov
- Rookie of the Year: Mikhail Prokhorov (Russian Mafia-assisted)
- 6th Man of the Year: Dirk’s ex-fiancee’, baby
- Defensive Player of the Year: Ron Artest’s teeth; Stephen Jackson’s gun (tie)
There you go. Jump-ball has already started on the season, so you’d best get to watching.
The NBA: Where Magic Johnson happens.