It’s been a long, long time now since The Kids did a movie preview/review. Now that the MLB playoffs are over, and Jeter and A-Rod are off to make the buddy movie Jeter and Hooch, there’s room to focus in on what’s happening at the movie theater.
A brief overview for anyone new: these are movies that I haven’t actually viewed, but feel competent enough to provide a review for anyway.
And since there’s so many movies out there that The Kids didn’t get to over the last couple of weeks, you’re going to get a ton of reviews BUT I’m going to see if I can keep each one to 1-2 sentences, though there’s a Jamie Foxx movie in the mix, so it’s going to test my restraint.
There’s a ton to get through, so let’s just dispense with the pleasantries and work our slow, awful row towards the Foxx.
In Theaters Now:
- Women in Trouble: A movie starring Carla Gugino, Emmanuelle Chriqui, and Adrianne Palicki star as call girls and porn stars. This is how agents lose their jobs, actresses lose respect, and how people like Sandra Bernhardt stay employed.
- The Men Who Stare At Goats: George Clooney Movie #1 follows Ewan McGregor as an Iraq War reporter who is pulled into psychic military regiments where he witnesses Clooney, Kevin Spacey and Jeff Bridges do dumb shit that NPR listeners will probably find “quirky” and “satirical”. I’ve seen the trailer and concluded that I’d rather stare at Bruce Jenner’s face, a splattered bowlful of bad Mexican food or Samantha Ronson french-kissing my Nana.
- 2012: One of those “end-of-the-world” movies that’s probably playing on 2012 screens in your town. $2012.00 is also about how much Amanda Peet and John Cusack asked to be paid for this film.
- Disney’s A Christmas Carol: Ah, Jim Carrey. Still working!
- Michael Jackson’s This Is It: Not a thriller, or a bio, just some concert footage. Just more proof that when it comes to MJ, I wish the coffin contained the Black Eyed Peas’ career instead of him.
- Law Abiding Citizen: . Fuck Foxx and his “acting”; I can play a blind dude at the piano too; wanna see? dntuerw;ing;ne;inrun;gtsngs;au. Oscar please.
- Where the Wild Things Are: About a white kid running from the demons that he thinks are real, but are probably really in his head. Hello Every Frat Boy I’ve Met.
- The Fantastic Mr. Fox: Clooney Movie #2 is Wes Anderson’s adaptation of a Roald Dahl’s book using stop-animation. Things I’d like to stop: Jamie Foxx’s career; Fergie; Oprah’s weight gain; Wendy William’s camel-toe face from talking.
- Astro Boy: It’s a computer-animated retelling of the original Astro Boy, which is apparently about a 1/2 naked boy toy that flies and uses jet boots. It’s like Pinocchio except less wood and more young boy nudity–which probably means more wood for some viewers anyway. Somehow unsurprisingly, Nicholas Cage is starring in this, too.