Worst Celebrity Faces: Bruce Jenner

This is the first entry into a fairly self-explanatory new category on The Kids.

Do we need much more introduction besides the title? Perhaps we do.

Basically, once again inspired by E! and their various combinations and assorted lists that they air whenever they’re not showing Ryan Seacrest doing something Seacrest-y on there, they play programs like “Hollywood’s 30 Hottest Bodies” or “Tinseltown’s 18 Loosest Vaginas” or “10 Black Actors You’ll Never See Again”.

Something like that.

Anyway, because they do such kewl lists, I thought it was high-time for me to enter my own lists. I started and completed one already–check out “15 Greatest Hollywood Tragedies” sometime when you should be working or talking things through with your sig other. Or you can also check out the thus-far-one-entry “Worst Pop Culture Jobs” which is coincidentally also E!-related.

So anyway; yes.




We’re going to take a look at the collection of the most famous fugged mugs that the shiny lights, camera and action has to offer.

And we’re starting with an Olympian who’s probably seen Kim Kardashian’s butt at least once, which should have the Medusa effect on any man: hard as stone.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Bruce Jenner.

Worst Celebrity Faces #10: Bruce Jenner

You know, before Keeping Khlamydia with the Kardashians, Bruce Jenner’s name rang familiar in the same “eh, I think I’ve heard of him” sort of way that I often have when people talk about people that are famous for doing stuff that I’m not entirely clear on what they did, like Alan Greenspan or Jesus.

Anyway, from what I understand, Bruce Jenner was a two-time gold-winner in the Olympic decathlon. I’m too tired to look that up to get into “specifics” so let’s just assume it’s a video game, which would make sense because, according to Wikipedia, he won by scoring a record 8,634 points playing the Decathlon. Look; I’ve been playing video games for years–I think I can top this record just by playing Ms. Pacman.

So, after winning The Decathlon (on only 2 quarters!! Boss.), Jenner apparently disappeared for a number of years before finally resurfacing on stoopid reality shows like The Weakest Link and The Apprentice during the early ’00’s.

I’m not sure at what point he decided his face was getting too agey, but it’s painfully clear now that at some point Jenner said, “if I’m going to appear in front of the cameras again, I’d best look androgynous.”

I mean really; Bruce Jenner used to be a pretty good-lookin’ guy. Take a look:

Not bad, right? He’s got that sort of sweet, collegial Law & Order/Kennedy prep-school-sex-offender-looks to him. I mean hey, I’d do him. Even let him wear his medals and shit. Bet his decathlon’s big, too.

But then, at some point he clearly said to himself, “I need to scare the Smurf out of people”  and so, went to a doctor and said:

“Make me look beautiful.”

Unfortunately he apparently had The Simpson’s “Dr. Nick” perform the surgery: instead of restoring his youthful appearance , what he got instead was a face eerily akin to Walter Mercado, the tranny psychic on Telemundo.

I mean really, at this point Jenner doesn’t even look human; he looks like some mad scientist found a way to animate the Bruce Jenner wax figure at Madame Tussauds (he’s got one, right Rob?) sent to run treadmills and face-Smurf wife Kris Jenner.

You can imagine Kris Jenner’s surprise when she came home from shooting MILF sex films in Jacinto Valley (#14 on the Tinseltown Loosest Vaginas List) to find Bruce’s face frozen into that stupid grin.

As a result, I keep watching Keeping Khlamydia…. for the following reasons:

  1. to watch the eventual crash and burn of Chunky ‘Dash’s (Khloe Kardashian) marriage to Lamar Odom
  2. to watch the daily struggle of the youngest Kardashian girl trying not give in to all the slut vibes her mom and sisters are tossing around the house
  3. for Bruce Jenner to find his Vader helmet
  4. the night that Rob Kardashian learns he’s adopted, and then spends the season trying to bang older sis Kim
  5. for the 5th season finale where Bruce Jenner and Walter Mercado get surgically joined a la Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear so they can do the movie Stuck on Tu

Should be good, yeah? Next up: with #9, the list gets Golden.


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