Last week we started the list off with fugged-mug #10: the ghastly countenance of Bruce Jenner.
The plan was to submit another entry sooner, but constantly Googling and pasting Jenner’s aged-Ken-doll face all over my computer screen resulted in nightmarish dreams where I was strapped to a lab chair with Kim ‘dashian applying Jenner’s face to my own using her butt.
Anyway, it took several days to shake that off, so Batman only knows how the rest of this list is going to impact me.
One must suffer for art I suppose.
Worst Celebrity Faces #9: Goldie Hawn
Kathleen Turner. Mimi Rogers. Goldie Hawn. That’s what my 80’s wet dreams looked like.
In true testimony to the time that was the 1980’s, there’s some real questionable taste there. And probably coke.
This list remained intact until several things happened:
- Kathleen Turner’s voice only got huskier and dickly-er, eventually catching up with her physical appearance, a look that confirmed that she and Jamie Lee Curtis seemed to be drinking the same “DICK TO THE XXXXTREME” protein shakes. Seriously; nowadays she looks like Robert Downey’s older brother. This is the woman that did Romancing the Stone–yet ended-up being the World’s Hottest Voice-Over for the Who Framed Roger Rabbit? movie as Jessica Rabbit, the only cartoon character I’d consider let playing with my No. 2 pencil.
- Mimi Rogers–well, actually, nothing bad really happened to Mimi Rogers (except, well, her consistently shit-awful movie choices), but soon the world introduced me to hotter, younger, bustier brunettes like Nigella Lawson and really, who can compete with Nigella????????
- Goldie Hawn–oh. Oh. Oh. Goldie. I’m not quite sure what happened to GH; in movies like Private Benjamin and Wildcats she was probably the ultimate cute-hot combination. She was even still kinda cute-hot in Bird on a Wire with Mel “Screw Jews” Gibson. But then, well, she kinda disappeared from Hollywood relevancy until resurfacing with Susan Sarandon’s breasts in Banger Sisters which probably made less money than what http://www.bangbros.com (uh, I wouldn’t click that if I were you) makes in an hour. And then First Wives Club and–holy shit, I just Googled Hawn for some more info and just learned that she’s 64 years old.
I repeat: Goldie Hawn is 64 years old.
But anyway–her face. Her Hollywood face.
Goldie’s face looks like it underwent a transformation that involved sitting in one of those military G-force flight simulators while being forced to watch daughter Kate Hudson’s movies.
The result? It’s like the old superstitious phrase, “step on a crack break your mother’s face”: the once-cute Private Benjamin would now have to pay someone (like say Kurt Russell) a lot of Benjamins in order to hit her private. I mean forget Banger Sisters; at this point I don’t think anyone would even bang’er face.
Maybe this is why Kate’s remained single for so long; usually a woman’s mother is a window into how the girl will look down the road.
It would appear that Kate’s window is going to remain shut for awhile.