It’s a Win-Winfrey Situation

Oprah looking at some "legend's balls"

They say that white women are the black man’s Kryptonite, and so I’ve always said that white women’s Kryptonite (WWK) is Oprah Winfrey.

I know what you’re going to say: “But Kids, I’ve seen the Oprah show–there’s colored women in the audience all the time.” Yeah, but here’s the thing, stupid: those are like all her relatives–cousins flown in from out-of-town to support their cousin. If you read the exit attendance rosters, you’ll see names like “Fropah”, “JoePah”, “Lopah”, “Bropah” and “Maya Angelou” who’s allowed to be there every show– same seat, same clothes, same pained look on her face– largely because none of the staffers are sure whether she’s alive or not (“is that caged bird singing or not?”).

Well, anyway, WWK and one of The Kids’ favorite targets–media Godzilla, Oprah Winfrey–announced that she was stepping down from her talk show throne.

The crazy thing is though, is that she announced that her show’s not ending for another two years.

During her first weeks of retirement, Oprah will return to Tattoine to gaze at Han Solo's frozen body in her enterainment chamber.

Who the Smurf announces something two years in advance? If you ever wanted/needed/refuted proof that Oprah was essentially nothing more than Nell Carter with a better weave and a talk show couch well, there you have it. Happy holidays.

To be fair, reports are that she’s planning on going into cable programming, and if it’s anything like getting service from Comcast, she probably needs to put her bid in two years ahead of time.

Anyway, with 730 (or, I as like to call it, “two Oprahs”) days until her final airing, it’s fine time to start guessing how she might or should end her show.

And so, some suggestions on how the Queen of Talk can take her final walk:

  1. Unveil her Macy’s Thanksgiving Day float–along with Spiderman, she’d be the perfect addition to the collection of larger-than-life, full-of-hot-air things floating down the streets of Manhattan. I imagine her float will have a microphone in one hand, Stedman’s nuts in the other, and hordes of suburban moms dancing on her back. In an Oprah surprise twist, she’ll actually be the float itself. They will play Kelis’ “Milkshake” as she floats on by.

    "....and here they are: a Pokemon, a toy soldier and Chicago's own OPRAH WINFREY! Retirement's never looked so good, Katie!"

  2. Thanks to the efforts of her producers, she will be reunited with her childhood friends Christopher Robin and Piglet.
  3. Invite all the things that her show spawned to take a curtain call with her: Dr. Phil, Tom Cruise and his sex-slave Katie Holmes, Maya Angelou’s corpse, Tyra Banks and her fivehead forehead, and middle-class white women dementia.
  4. In one corner: Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O’Donnell. In the other corner: Oprah Winfrey and Gail King. Bell sounds. Mud-wrestling match begins.
  5. “The Winfrey Gauntlet”–where Oprah has to run (or gallop or trot or whatever she does) through a series of physical challenges like on the old American Gladiators show, only instead of dick-eating muscle-bound “ladies” like Diamond, she’s got to face all the old talk show hosts that she’s defeated over the years. Jenny Jones shooting NERF balls at her weave. Rope-racing Phil Donahue. Arm-wrestling Ricki Lake. With color commentary by Tempest Bledsoe and Montell Williams.

    Can Oprah best both Ricki Lake AND Judge Judy in the Gauntlet????

Oprah excitedly imploring the 'razzi to "Watch this!" before pounding Stedman one to the face.

So yes. She’s got some options. And she’s got 2 Oprahs and counting before she has to decide.


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